New path with Vivitrol

I have started on a path that I plan to see through even though at times it seems impossible to carry this on for the rest of my life, but I guess its like they say, “one day at a time” *sigh*. My doctor has prescribed Vivitrol injections along with a whole slew of pharmaceuticals. I have written about my experience with Naltrexone in a past post (which i would link here if I was in any way tech savvy). The problem with Naltrexone is user error, if I wanted to get drunk (and whats the point of drinking if not to end up black out asleep on the closet floor, am i right?!?!) I could simply not take the pill and there were many days that I just wanted to get drunk.

The shot was pretty simple, painful, but simple. They read me a long list of possible side effects and there is defiantly still a little soreness in my bum but so far so good. The cravings seem to be gone, however I can’t say that I have really been put to the test but when the thought of drinking comes to mind I simply feel uninterested. She also prescribed me an anti depressant, Celexa, I think is the name and she prescribed Gabapentin. In all honesty I could very well not be wanting a drink because my body is still trying to sort out what to do with all these new chemicals swirling around in my system. The first day I took all the new meds I felt high as a kite but that has dissipated over the last two days.  I am attending AA meetings again but this time I am not going to try really hard to work the program. I have also taken back up blogging (see here) so that should help with getting my thoughts out and organized. So that is the plan and I am sticking to it.

The “whys”

I am not sure how beneficial examining the whys of my drinking is but I have read about the exercise enough that I think it’s worth a shot.

Why do I drink?

Mostly I would say I drink to stop my mind from going a million miles a minute but when I actually think about the times that I get drunk my mind still goes a million miles a minute and it’s usually full of anger and hate filled thoughts. I know I do drink for the numbness it has the ability to make all the worry and stress and disappointment go away for a while and it also makes me feel capable of anything. I also have the belief that it makes me creative and allows me to conquer the world without leaving my couch. I drink cause it makes me blind to a lot of my shortcomings or failings somehow the extra 15 pounds, acne scars and aging skin seem alright after a few glasses of wine and completely non existent after a bottle. The thing about it though is it does all these things only for a few hours and what it leaves me with in return is all of those insecurities amplified by a million.

I drink for exactly what alcohol was created to do. It numbs, I drink to numb out reality. So instead it’s time to change reality. I need to look at all the areas of my life that I’m trying to numb and either make piece with it or work on making the situation better.

Me

😪

I need so many things right now that I have no idea what I actually need. I am so lost. I got wasted on a Tuesday night started a fight with my husband and I know I did all of it on purpose. I knew exactly what I was doing when I bought the two bottles of wine on my way home. I have been on and off with my therapist which also means I have been on and off with the Naltrexone and GABA she prescribes. I am not unhappy but I’m not happy. I don’t know how to make anything better I just know how to make everything livable. I don’t know what I am trying to prove or do in regards to my marriage. He is in a tough spot but all I can think about is myself and how it’s not fair to me. I also keep trying to think of reasons why we shouldn’t be together or why it won’t work but I don’t know why. I love him and he loves me I just feel like I’m sabotaging everything because I don’t deserve to be happy and I think ultimately I will let him down and he will have had enough and leave me so why draw it out. I have no idea what to do

Ooops I forgot

Its been a while, but I have learned that is a common theme among drunks. I have had so many happenings and because I hate looking back and reading the past posts because then I have to realize its been so long since my declarations of abstinence so i don’t, which i guess doesn’t work my original therapists suggestions of seeing what I am feeling and understanding where I am coming from but anywhoooo. So I got married to the one man that understands me and loves me without condition. I am in a home we are remodeling and I went to AA for a good 2 months and left. I spent over a thousand dollars on hypnotherapy. I was laid off from a great job that I had no interest in and I am still drinking.

Now that thats out of the way I think I might just start a new.

I have a hard time accepting that I am this ruined person that god has deemed a person that deserves a disease that will always have to depend on AA to stay sober. I went, got up and got a chip and carried that thing with me for over month trying to convince myself it meant something. I could barely repeat the never ending repetitive praises to god and withstanding hugs from random people. If my god is whatever my god gets to be then don’t make me say the “our father” I am sorry but its such bullshit there were people there that have been 30 years sober and were like “I am living one day at a time knowing I can slip into hell every day but my God all mighty and this group is the only thing that keeps me from going down that hill.” If thats me in 30 years then shoot me in the god damned head today. I won’t say I’m on a free for all right now but I am looking for a more medicinal approach. I used Naltrexone for a while but I CHOSE on so many occasions not to use it cause I wanted to be fucked up so I think there is a lot more available via the medical route.

So anywho I am back to all you 3 readers 🙂

XO

RM

Slips and Falls

I started writing this blog at an extremely low point in my life where I felt like I had no one and I was just looking for a connection. I have always been an extremely private person so posting my thoughts ANYWHERE that someone could read was a real cry for help. I also intended for the blog to hold me accountable, I had this idea that any time in doubt of myself I could just read an entry and it would jolt me out of whatever I was feeling, however I only ever wrote anything when I was drunk or the next morning after getting drunk. Today I am neither. I have considered trying to take everything down from this site to erase all these terrible experiences but all in all its my truth and the road from addiction aint pretty.

Today, I am in such a different place, I would like to say things have changed more than they have but I am grateful for the changes that I have made and I think I can credit it with finally putting a tiny little toe into reaching outside of myself and looking for support. I always thought that sobriety would be some AH-HA moment or something I could achieve from taking a magic pill (like literally I tried those “magic” pills) but I think its been this journey. I never wanted to spend my life hanging off the side of a cliff like AA lead me to believe and I also didnt want to feel the constant monkey on my back every time I left the house. I always knew as a pure fact that I would one day be sober, that this charade couldn’t be maintained but I just was waiting for it to happen. There is such a huge amount of bullshit out there when it comes to addiction and the crazy thing is no one really honestly knows why it happens, how it happens, or who it will affect. I spent so much time and way too much money looking for answers, a book, a phrase, an AA meeting, a psychiatrist, a drug to cure me of my disease and spent no time and no money on introspection. I always threw in the adage of my father is an alcoholic so science says I have to be too and you know its incurable so no point in fighting nature. Well thats a load of bullshit, I mean honestly who gives a shit if Dr. Gofuckyourself says that its an incurable disease, all you can do is hold tight and pray that today you don’t go off the handle. Doctors are people and people and science can be wrong. People were also pretty damn sure the earth was flat for a long time too. Just saying. I am finally realizing that I am in charge of my beliefs and I don’t want any more defeating beliefs like that to enter my grey or white matter again.

I am sure that I am on a journey towards something amazing and journeys are long and come with slips and falls and that what makes the end so great.

Thanks for reading my slips and falls.

Renee M.

The struggle is so real

I have had a drink every day this weekend. I have’nt blacked out like normal and I also stopped taking any and all medications. I did however go to an open gym at a crossfit on Saturday and as much as I shitted the bed on the workout because I’m SOOOO out of shape, it felt so good. I FELT GOOD. I am still unsure of this whole counseling business. I have found a lot of relief in that prior but for some reason all I feel is that this therapist wants to throw meds at me and I just don’t feel like thats needed.

I really go back in forth with my thinking, sometimes I am like damn I am SOOOO RIGHT about myself and other times I am like let someone else with WAY more education evaluate you and let you know what she thinks. Like what IF the antidepressants I have in my possession are a key to my own sobriety?? Or, will I become listless, suicidal, sexually ambivalent, but appear happy (those are common side effects of antidepressants)

I really can’t decide, Has anyone here taken antidepressants and really noticed a dip in drinking and just being content with life????

Naltrexone cont.

A few weeks on Naltrexone and I feel conflicted. First off, I am spending $150-$300 on appointments that are not being covered by insurance and second off I really haven’t spoken about anything with my therapist other then her asking questions about my medications.

1. I am pretty sure I can’t keep up with this cost, my credit card bill has become out of control and
2. I am still drinking almost weekly.

So I don’t feel any real drive not to drink. For Example, I assumed the drug makes the cravings manageable but today for about 6 hours all i thought about was drinking and finally i just went to the store and got wine. It really hasn’t helped with cravings. Also, I can feel my insides hurting lately, like my lower body just cramps and I wake up every day with a severe headache and thats not from drinking. I also recently drank a bit more than I have been (roughly two bottles of wine) and I was hallucinating. I was hallucinating that I was in a camp being murdered and when i got in bed I imagined (hallucinated?) that my fiancé was a guard that had to watch me from getting away.

This literally scares me away from this drug. I don’t care how blacked out I have ever been I have NEVER thought someone I loved would hurt me. I was so scared and kept telling myself to lie still cause if he attacked me I would have to kill him and its like had he cuddled me in that moment would i have done something that couldnt be fixed???? Like no thanks! I know this doesn’t make you a “regular” drinker but I also feel no desire not to.

Fuck this is scary and its always scared me to ever be on drugs, like I am literally afraid of my mind on prescription drugs (I know alcohol is a drug but for some reason it has always seemed manageable).

My doctor prescribed me an antidepressant and I have had it for over a week but I just don’t want to take it. I know why I’m depressed and I know how to fix it and that aint a pill. I don’t workout anymore and I used to workout intensely 7 days a week. I work 8 hours a day refreshing a yahoo screen because I’m not challenged and i don’t care to be challenged anymore in the position I’m in. I let any setback take hold of my imagination. i know the shit that makes me sad and living on a happy cloud isn’t going to make those things go away, it will just make me okay with my current life and I don’t want to be okay with that.

Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up on therapy is shitty but i really can’t afford it and i don’t really think this drug is worth it. I don’t ever want to wake up to something I can’t undo because I hallucinate something crazy.

I drank…I couldn’t resist. I felt like I needed to see what it was like and well I can say you definently can still get drunk but its not the same. I decided Sunday I was going to drink and test it out. I bought a good bottle of wine and shared it with my fiancé. I figured I would only want one glass and then I would get tired of it or not want to drink or I don’t know what I expected but that one bottle turned into breaking into the shitty box wine I have from Thanksgiving. I would almost equate the feeling to chasing a sugar cookie when starved on an island. I see the sugar cookie (I have no idea why I want a sugar cookie but you get the metaphor), I know its delicious and I know if i could only bite it I would be happy and full again but I can’t ever reach it. So I drank and drank and drank and continued even though I really felt like stopping and by stopping I mean my brain was like yuck every sip but my mind was like come on keep trying, you can get there! So I tried and tried and tried and I never got there. Its like being unable to climax in sex. Like its good and it feels good but its just not happening, so I quit, I went to bed fully conscious. I didnt experience a black out even though I guess I would say I had maybe 1.5 bottles over a few hours. I felt exceptionally shitty the next day, but i also felt exceptionally unresolved.

Its a weird feeling to feel like this. I hate my dark passenger (as Dexter would have put it) but i feel strangely attached. I know obviously you become attached to something that makes you feel good even with all the bad that comes with it but one would think a conscious brain would be able to label these feelings as bad??? This still confounds me. One good thing is I told my fiancé about my blog. I know thats not a big deal but it is to me cause this has become a diary really.

I also started taking the Baclofen and it makes me talkative but not tired. I havent tried it at work yet but I will do so when I feel stressed. Fuck. Did I tell you guys we are getting evicted?!?!? Not cause we suck but because our landlords want to move back in cause they suck so we have been super stressed recently.

Anywho, Sorry for such a downer post, I wish that the Naltrexone made it impossible to get drunk but it doesn’t and to some point it satisfies the ability to drink but also inhibits the good feelings.

 

 

 

The Cost of Naltrexone

Why are mornings so hard to wake up. I have tried my whole life to become a morning person but everyday that alarm clock rings all I want to do is throw it against the wall and stay in bed all day long!

When I started my research into Naltrexone and Vivitrol I had a hard time finding any useful information regarding cost. I have had the misfortune of showing up to a doctors office expecting one thing and ending up with a huge bill that had to be payed in full before I could leave so being prepared was a crucial piece for me. I have health insurance and I would say its pretty decent health insurance, buuuttttt apparently mental health is not really a priority since they really don’t cover anything regarding my psychiatrist appointment. I spent $300 just for the initial visit which was a 2 hour visit and included a urinalysis (for drug testing) and a breathalyzer. She sent me home with an order form to get blood work done but I have not done that yet so I am not sure what that will cost out of pocket. She gave me two diagnosis to try to use to submit my own claim, she said sometimes they pay on one but not the other so I submitted the alcoholism diagnosis and it was denied so I think I am going to try the severe anxiety diagnosis. My insurance covered m=the medication and I ended up spending $10 on a month worth of Naltrexone and $10 on the Baclofen. She didnt really discuss Vivitrol injection and I assume that Vivitrol is more for people that will skip out on taking the Naltrexone. I know she did mention that the Vivitrol injection is super expensive so if you are willing to take the drugs daily then thats the better option.

Costs will obviously vary if you have a different insurance or see a different level of psychiatrist. Overall I see it as an investment into my health and wellness. It seems like a small price to pay for keeping my family and life together although it is really a fucking bummer how expensive it is to get help. It really opens my eyes to the reasons why there are so many people out there that don’t get proper mental health treatment. All in all I am out $320 and I am supposed to go back to see her this week and I believe that will cost $150. She did mention she would try to work with me on cost because who in the world could spend 150$ a week on therapy!

Anywho hope this helps you decide on a treatment that is right for you. I would say paying that money really sucks but when I calculate the weekly wine tab including poor money decision making that goes along with it I am on the winning side.

Day 4 and 5

Day 4 and Day 5 have been pretty unremarkable. I still have not tried the Baclofen but I am going to this weekend if I get anxious. I wanted to drink last night since it was Friday and that tends to be my day to get black out drunk. It doesn’t help that I have wine leftover from Thanksgiving sitting in our pantry either. I had a pretty strong craving last night but again I am so scared that the medication will prove to be a placebo and then I will be back to square one. I also think its pretty pointless to try to quit drinking and go through all these steps and then just test myself like that.

The only side effects I would say I have experienced is I have had pretty bad headaches. Every morning I am waking up with like a pounding headache. I suppose it beats the hangover headache for sure but its still not fun to deal with. I also can say that I have spent the last week pretty depressed. My stomach has been fine and I have had normal pooping, I know TMI but I read a lot of reviews saying it caused constipation, and I don’t know about you but being constipated fucking sucks and I’m pretty happy I havent experienced that. Oh yeah and I am super thirsty ALL. THE. TIME. I have an appointment with my doctor Friday and I know she is going to try to put me on antidepressants. I am not sure why I have such an aversion but I just do not want to be a super medicated person. I think most people experience depression from time to time and drinking is a depressant so its hard for me to say whether this is normal or needs medical intervention. I really like her as a psychiatrist and she has numerous masters and PHD’s in addiction so I will trust her recommendations and give it a try.

I will do a post next time on the costs since I couldn’t find much on those details until I went in to get checked out.

Have a good weekend everyone!