Slips and Falls

I started writing this blog at an extremely low point in my life where I felt like I had no one and I was just looking for a connection. I have always been an extremely private person so posting my thoughts ANYWHERE that someone could read was a real cry for help. I also intended for the blog to hold me accountable, I had this idea that any time in doubt of myself I could just read an entry and it would jolt me out of whatever I was feeling, however I only ever wrote anything when I was drunk or the next morning after getting drunk. Today I am neither. I have considered trying to take everything down from this site to erase all these terrible experiences but all in all its my truth and the road from addiction aint pretty.

Today, I am in such a different place, I would like to say things have changed more than they have but I am grateful for the changes that I have made and I think I can credit it with finally putting a tiny little toe into reaching outside of myself and looking for support. I always thought that sobriety would be some AH-HA moment or something I could achieve from taking a magic pill (like literally I tried those “magic” pills) but I think its been this journey. I never wanted to spend my life hanging off the side of a cliff like AA lead me to believe and I also didnt want to feel the constant monkey on my back every time I left the house. I always knew as a pure fact that I would one day be sober, that this charade couldn’t be maintained but I just was waiting for it to happen. There is such a huge amount of bullshit out there when it comes to addiction and the crazy thing is no one really honestly knows why it happens, how it happens, or who it will affect. I spent so much time and way too much money looking for answers, a book, a phrase, an AA meeting, a psychiatrist, a drug to cure me of my disease and spent no time and no money on introspection. I always threw in the adage of my father is an alcoholic so science says I have to be too and you know its incurable so no point in fighting nature. Well thats a load of bullshit, I mean honestly who gives a shit if Dr. Gofuckyourself says that its an incurable disease, all you can do is hold tight and pray that today you don’t go off the handle. Doctors are people and people and science can be wrong. People were also pretty damn sure the earth was flat for a long time too. Just saying. I am finally realizing that I am in charge of my beliefs and I don’t want any more defeating beliefs like that to enter my grey or white matter again.

I am sure that I am on a journey towards something amazing and journeys are long and come with slips and falls and that what makes the end so great.

Thanks for reading my slips and falls.

Renee M.

The struggle is so real

I have had a drink every day this weekend. I have’nt blacked out like normal and I also stopped taking any and all medications. I did however go to an open gym at a crossfit on Saturday and as much as I shitted the bed on the workout because I’m SOOOO out of shape, it felt so good. I FELT GOOD. I am still unsure of this whole counseling business. I have found a lot of relief in that prior but for some reason all I feel is that this therapist wants to throw meds at me and I just don’t feel like thats needed.

I really go back in forth with my thinking, sometimes I am like damn I am SOOOO RIGHT about myself and other times I am like let someone else with WAY more education evaluate you and let you know what she thinks. Like what IF the antidepressants I have in my possession are a key to my own sobriety?? Or, will I become listless, suicidal, sexually ambivalent, but appear happy (those are common side effects of antidepressants)

I really can’t decide, Has anyone here taken antidepressants and really noticed a dip in drinking and just being content with life????

Naltrexone cont.

A few weeks on Naltrexone and I feel conflicted. First off, I am spending $150-$300 on appointments that are not being covered by insurance and second off I really haven’t spoken about anything with my therapist other then her asking questions about my medications.

  1. I am pretty sure I can’t keep up with this cost, my credit card bill has become out of control and
  2. I am still drinking almost weekly.

So I don’t feel any real drive not to drink. For Example, I assumed the drug makes the cravings manageable but today for about 6 hours all i thought about was drinking and finally i just went to the store and got wine. It really hasn’t helped with cravings. Also, I can feel my insides hurting lately, like my lower body just cramps and I wake up every day with a severe headache and thats not from drinking. I also recently drank a bit more than I have been (roughly two bottles of wine) and I was hallucinating. I was hallucinating that I was in a camp being murdered and when i got in bed I imagined (hallucinated?) that my fiancé was a guard that had to watch me from getting away.

This literally scares me away from this drug. I don’t care how blacked out I have ever been I have NEVER thought someone I loved would hurt me. I was so scared and kept telling myself to lie still cause if he attacked me I would have to kill him and its like had he cuddled me in that moment would i have done something that couldnt be fixed???? Like no thanks! I know this doesn’t make you a “regular” drinker but I also feel no desire not to.

Fuck this is scary and its always scared me to ever be on drugs, like I am literally afraid of my mind on prescription drugs (I know alcohol is a drug but for some reason it has always seemed manageable).

My doctor prescribed me an antidepressant and I have had it for over a week but I just don’t want to take it. I know why I’m depressed and I know how to fix it and that aint a pill. I don’t workout anymore and I used to workout intensely 7 days a week. I work 8 hours a day refreshing a yahoo screen because I’m not challenged and i don’t care to be challenged anymore in the position I’m in. I let any setback take hold of my imagination. i know the shit that makes me sad and living on a happy cloud isn’t going to make those things go away, it will just make me okay with my current life and I don’t want to be okay with that.

Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up on therapy is shitty but i really can’t afford it and i don’t really think this drug is worth it. I don’t ever want to wake up to something I can’t undo because I hallucinate something crazy.

I drank…I couldn’t resist. I felt like I needed to see what it was like and well I can say you definently can still get drunk but its not the same. I decided Sunday I was going to drink and test it out. I bought a good bottle of wine and shared it with my fiancé. I figured I would only want one glass and then I would get tired of it or not want to drink or I don’t know what I expected but that one bottle turned into breaking into the shitty box wine I have from Thanksgiving. I would almost equate the feeling to chasing a sugar cookie when starved on an island. I see the sugar cookie (I have no idea why I want a sugar cookie but you get the metaphor), I know its delicious and I know if i could only bite it I would be happy and full again but I can’t ever reach it. So I drank and drank and drank and continued even though I really felt like stopping and by stopping I mean my brain was like yuck every sip but my mind was like come on keep trying, you can get there! So I tried and tried and tried and I never got there. Its like being unable to climax in sex. Like its good and it feels good but its just not happening, so I quit, I went to bed fully conscious. I didnt experience a black out even though I guess I would say I had maybe 1.5 bottles over a few hours. I felt exceptionally shitty the next day, but i also felt exceptionally unresolved.

Its a weird feeling to feel like this. I hate my dark passenger (as Dexter would have put it) but i feel strangely attached. I know obviously you become attached to something that makes you feel good even with all the bad that comes with it but one would think a conscious brain would be able to label these feelings as bad??? This still confounds me. One good thing is I told my fiancé about my blog. I know thats not a big deal but it is to me cause this has become a diary really.

I also started taking the Baclofen and it makes me talkative but not tired. I havent tried it at work yet but I will do so when I feel stressed. Fuck. Did I tell you guys we are getting evicted?!?!? Not cause we suck but because our landlords want to move back in cause they suck so we have been super stressed recently.

Anywho, Sorry for such a downer post, I wish that the Naltrexone made it impossible to get drunk but it doesn’t and to some point it satisfies the ability to drink but also inhibits the good feelings.

 

 

 

The Cost of Naltrexone

Why are mornings so hard to wake up. I have tried my whole life to become a morning person but everyday that alarm clock rings all I want to do is throw it against the wall and stay in bed all day long!

When I started my research into Naltrexone and Vivitrol I had a hard time finding any useful information regarding cost. I have had the misfortune of showing up to a doctors office expecting one thing and ending up with a huge bill that had to be payed in full before I could leave so being prepared was a crucial piece for me. I have health insurance and I would say its pretty decent health insurance, buuuttttt apparently mental health is not really a priority since they really don’t cover anything regarding my psychiatrist appointment. I spent $300 just for the initial visit which was a 2 hour visit and included a urinalysis (for drug testing) and a breathalyzer. She sent me home with an order form to get blood work done but I have not done that yet so I am not sure what that will cost out of pocket. She gave me two diagnosis to try to use to submit my own claim, she said sometimes they pay on one but not the other so I submitted the alcoholism diagnosis and it was denied so I think I am going to try the severe anxiety diagnosis. My insurance covered m=the medication and I ended up spending $10 on a month worth of Naltrexone and $10 on the Baclofen. She didnt really discuss Vivitrol injection and I assume that Vivitrol is more for people that will skip out on taking the Naltrexone. I know she did mention that the Vivitrol injection is super expensive so if you are willing to take the drugs daily then thats the better option.

Costs will obviously vary if you have a different insurance or see a different level of psychiatrist. Overall I see it as an investment into my health and wellness. It seems like a small price to pay for keeping my family and life together although it is really a fucking bummer how expensive it is to get help. It really opens my eyes to the reasons why there are so many people out there that don’t get proper mental health treatment. All in all I am out $320 and I am supposed to go back to see her this week and I believe that will cost $150. She did mention she would try to work with me on cost because who in the world could spend 150$ a week on therapy!

Anywho hope this helps you decide on a treatment that is right for you. I would say paying that money really sucks but when I calculate the weekly wine tab including poor money decision making that goes along with it I am on the winning side.

Day 4 and 5

Day 4 and Day 5 have been pretty unremarkable. I still have not tried the Baclofen but I am going to this weekend if I get anxious. I wanted to drink last night since it was Friday and that tends to be my day to get black out drunk. It doesn’t help that I have wine leftover from Thanksgiving sitting in our pantry either. I had a pretty strong craving last night but again I am so scared that the medication will prove to be a placebo and then I will be back to square one. I also think its pretty pointless to try to quit drinking and go through all these steps and then just test myself like that.

The only side effects I would say I have experienced is I have had pretty bad headaches. Every morning I am waking up with like a pounding headache. I suppose it beats the hangover headache for sure but its still not fun to deal with. I also can say that I have spent the last week pretty depressed. My stomach has been fine and I have had normal pooping, I know TMI but I read a lot of reviews saying it caused constipation, and I don’t know about you but being constipated fucking sucks and I’m pretty happy I havent experienced that. Oh yeah and I am super thirsty ALL. THE. TIME. I have an appointment with my doctor Friday and I know she is going to try to put me on antidepressants. I am not sure why I have such an aversion but I just do not want to be a super medicated person. I think most people experience depression from time to time and drinking is a depressant so its hard for me to say whether this is normal or needs medical intervention. I really like her as a psychiatrist and she has numerous masters and PHD’s in addiction so I will trust her recommendations and give it a try.

I will do a post next time on the costs since I couldn’t find much on those details until I went in to get checked out.

Have a good weekend everyone!

 

 

 

Day 1, 2 and 3

Day 1

After I picked my prescription up Monday, I went home and ate dinner all while holding this magical bottle in my pocket. I was super excited to take it, but like I said, I am really scared of drugs. I just picture myself on the news eating some homeless mans face off. After dinner I quickly took it and preceded to wait…. Then I decided to mentally focus on any weird feeling in my body.

I started the first dose at night even though its prescribed for morning use but my doctor said it may make me sleepy and holly balls I was EXHAUSTED. The first sensation was I felt a little loopy and uncoordinated, like I kept trying to grab this bottle top off the floor and for some reason I  could not get it, then I just got tired. Like I couldnt keep my eyes open at 7 at night. I had some cramping and diarrhea but I also just started my period and that is pretty normal for my insides to wreck havoc on my GI system so I wouldnt blame that on the meds. I did find that my sugar cravings were not there. I normally feel an overwhelming desire for sugar if I dont have alcohol. I fell asleep pretty well and had a few dreams. I am still drowsy at work today but I also feel like i can contribute that to my period as well. I am going to continue taking it at night, I can’t imagine trying to power through the sleepiness during the day.

Day 2 wasnt bad. I am not a drink every day kind of alcoholic (I like to binge  like a MOFO) so its not really hard for me to skip days. I wanted to grab a bottle on the way home but it passed quickly and for some strange reason I ended up picturing the nastiest shittiest bar with like the crappiest wine and I can smell the piss and old sour water used to wipe the bar down and then I was beyond wanting a glass of wine. I highly doubt this is the Naltrexone but whatever it is its curbing the craving fo sho. I havent tried the Baclofen yet, I still am not sure when my anxiety needs a medical intervention or when its considered normal.

Day 3. I forgot to mention this in the last 2 days but I have had CRAZY crazy night sweats like sweat running down my face and chest night sweats. I also have had really vivid dreams and I don’t feel like I’m sleeping all that well. I am semi depressed. Again, I’m on my period and I just had to pay rent and a car note so reality is catching up to me of how much money I have thrown into the garbage. I also feel kind of like a loss of a friend if that makes any sense, like even if i want to find my friend again it/he/she will be muted and not who it/he/she used to be to me. I can say that I thought about drinking today just to try it, I am dying to know how it feels to not care to drink excessively but I am so freaking scared its going to feel the same, like a warm hug to my neurons, and I will have no more options to ever stop being this drunken mess. So tonight I am sober.

Naltrexone

Another Holiday and a new excuse to get drunk…amirightoramiright??? Blah! Every time this season comes around I make so many promises to myself. I promise myself I will only have a little to drink with dinner (yeah fucking right) or I will just get plastered the night before so I will be too sick to drink the day of or-OR my ultimate favorite, just get shit faced and make an ass out of yourself, they have to keep loving you right??? Your family! I will give you one guess which one I chose…Get wasted prior and during. Logical decisions right? The only problem is I feel like absolute garbage for all family events and the whole not drinking that day due to feeling like a big ole turd turns into drinking just to feel human again. This year was no different, I decided to get wasted both families thanksgiving as to absolutely miss everything fun about the holidays and then wallow in shame in bed trying to nurse my hangover…So much for a 4 day weekend.

So I am trying something new and something that scares the shit out of me.

Hellllllooooo Naltrexone.

IMG_0458.JPGOk, so quick overview. I was listening to a radio lab on NPR and heard this one episode called “The Fix” It was about this doctor that was pretty much ready to kill himself because his addiction was so strong (I am sure many of you can relate) anyways I can’t remember the exact combination he took but I think it consisted of Baclofen and something else, just listen to the episode here: http://www.radiolab.org/story/addiction/ it will make much better sense then me trying to remember the details.

Long story short he took these drugs and at some point was cured. Like never wanted alcohol again!!! LIKE IM SORRY, COME AGAIN?!? NEVER WANTED ALCOHOL AGAIN!

Anywho, I found a local psychiatrist that prescribes some of the other drugs out there that treat addiction (who knew these existed???? FUCK all you other drug counselors out there that never gave me options) I met with her and she basically was like you are an amazing candidate for this. She prescribed me Naltrexone and Baclofen. I haven’t taken the Baclofen yet as she said it is for anxiety and since I am basically a human ball of anxiety and I am not sure if I want to be medicated all the time I am going with one drug at a time. Also drugs scare the living bejeezus out of me, I know, makes no sense I will drink myself into a coma but taking a Tylenol takes some serious decision making (I would absolutely love to see an MRI of my brain)

So, I have Naltrexone and I have taken two doses so far. I can’t say I feel any differently other than yesterday I kind of wanted to stop at the store for a bottle or 4 of wine but it passed really quickly and my mind kind of went we should get wine, nah…ok.  I have to go get blood work done and see her once or twice a month for actual therapy sessions but so far so good. I will follow up with my experience. So stay posted!

Yep, you know the title

So I had saki tonight. We were celebrating our ten month anniversary and I had Sake and OF COURSE sake doesn’t end in just a great evening it ends in me sneaking off to the store to grab some more much needed lubricant. My Fiance has decided that when i drink he will remove himself from me and I happily appreciate it. I don’t know why I feel happy right now but i can bet its the booze! There is such a succeding at staying sober, Can you follow AA and do things like make up for wrongs and such not sober? Like its got to make some penance, right? I don’t know i just feel the need to right my wrongs even if I haven’t fully fixed my behavior. I am going to start writing notes

Ch Cha Changes

First let me preface this for all you non existent folks out there that I am still working on sobriety but honestly I’m tired of talking about it. Th h whole point of being sober, for me, is to stop letting alcohol control my every waking minute and it almost seems counterintuitive to talk about not drinking on here, talk to a therapist about struggling to not drink, going to AA and talking about all the crazy shenanigans that you have participated in whilst drinking, and lets be honest, my mind really likes to only remember the good memories and then I want to drink!

So I am just going to start talking about the shit I want to talk about that might not necessarily have anything to do with drinking.

I signed up for Orange Theory a while ago, I think I did it for a few months and I will say if you stick to the program it does work (sound familiar any AA folks? 😉 However, I have noticed a few things that are less then stellar with this company. Firstly, the membership fees, HOLY BALLS! Who in the world has that much disposable income. I might have gotten used to not paying for gym memberships cause I either dated a guy that owned a gym or new people that were in the cross fit community so I usually went for free or paid some nominal price, BUT $159/month sucks and the other memberships are completely worthless like who is going to go 4 times in a month for $99. Also, there is this associated fee if you miss a class you signed up for. Welp I hate to say but my schedule and traffic patterns are not under my control so when I get called into a meeting 10 minutes before I was going to leave its going to take priority over my workout class AND YOU KNOW WHAT it has to so I can keep paying that freaking fee! I have been charged at least 3 times a month of$14 for missing classes. I get having people pay that so they don’t flake out but its like sometimes shit happens and usually it doesn’t happen within 8 hours of my workout class, but guess what? If you sign up for another class in the same day, that fee gets waived. Never knew that because point 3. The front desk staff is very, how should I say, dim…is that the right word? Maybe its just the club I went to but they do not explain anything in “full detail”. It might be the training they get but come on OT I think I deserve to know that my heart rate monitor that I purchased for $60 after being told it would be provided free prior to all classes, doesn’t work well with any other app and if you cancel your membership you lose your app, or how if I call to cancel i can just sign up for the next later class and I won’t get charged, OR that the monthly membership is a MINIMUM of 2, yes thats right, TWO months.<- WTF Seriously stop calling it a month to month membership, call it a two month membership. Vent done! Like I said I have worked out in many different gyms and I can honestly say if losing weight and getting cardio endurance is your goal, this is the place to be as long as you have a pretty large disposable income, very flexible scheduling and understand that front desk people arent always the greatest.