its Saturday again and once again i am having an overwhelming desire to drink. I don’t really understand it, well I guess i understand it, its all neural connections that are firing every Saturday every week at 5pm because that is what I have trained them to do for way too long. I read a few blogs and realize that the amazing sober high is usually followed by a crashing sober low and i think i might be on that fiery plane heading towards the ocean.
As amazing as I feel (I ran 3.5 miles today and enjoyed it!) I am grieving, yes grieving, the loss of the old me. WHY?????? Why am I sitting here missing the drunken disaster that I have, up until today, not given one thought about. Why would I ever want to go back to that person? Is it that i am feeling so alone and I realize that she found LOTS of friends in her brain she could talk to when she drank. Is it because I have nothing to numb myself with anymore and i am having to feel real feelings right now? Why would I ever want to give up these amazing feelings and thoughts i have recently had about myself to get shit faced, throw up, not remember the night and wake up feeling like a pile of crap thats been run over twice???
The brain is a funny thing I tell ya.
Lets get down to some important triggers I had today. Ooohh I don’t think I posted my list of triggers yet, so I made a list of triggers so I would be able to identify them when they came up and know that I don’t really want to drink, its just a trigger and it will pass.
Here is the list:
Doing something healthy for myself like yoga
This is a list I made up in oh like 5 minutes. It pretty much encompasses everything I ENJOY 😦 Except the EX I will be happy the day I never have to be triggered by his moronic face again)
So today i lived through 5/6 triggers. Sigh. First off, I cook for a living and prior to that I always enjoyed a glass (who the f*#$ am I kidding 3 bottles) of wine while cooking, its classy okay! now I work in a professional kitchen so I dont do that anymore (its frowned upon) but there is always a brief thought especially when I use wine to cook with. So there was my first trigger. My second trigger was that my sister facetimed me because she was having her first baby shower with my family and grandma who is 90 and I wasn’t able to get off to go, and I live so far away. Being with my family is a double edged sword. I am triggered when I am with them and i am triggered when I am away from them. Never a winning situation with that crew. Third came my run. i actually had no intention of running or exercising at all but I got home and it was nice and cool out and my dog had WAY too much energy and before you knew it I was out the door running and it felt good. I didn’t wear headphones I just mentally checked out and that has literally never happened to me in the history of the world when I run, anyways I always feel like doing something good for my self deserves a few bottles of wine like a reward even though in all actuality I am punishing my body and mind with poison. Fourth, I set down and “indulged” in a reality TV show, you know the one where they live in a big city and drink and argue all the time, yes that is what I indulge in, and I don’t know something about reality TV especially this particular show makes me say “hey look at those fancy people, they drink too much and look at all they have, i can do that too” False. I can’t do that too and do I really want to look like those sloppy menopausal women acting like idiots? Fifth and Sixth came the social media aspect and the boredom. I was invited to an event tonight via social media and, A. I have been isolating this entire time because I don’t know how to be around alcohol and say no yet. and B. Ass Hat (Thats the ex’s new name) was attending. I am bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, so freaking bored out of my mind. There is literally only so much introspective thought that one can have without getting sick of talking to ones self. i am very concerned i am gong to become one of those people in store lines that makes conversation “Looks like its going to rain” as the teenager slowly puts his head phones back in so I will stop talking to him and everyone else in line follows suit. Damnit! I can’t become that weird talks to everyone person. I hate that person.
Looks like I have adequately talked myself off the ledge for tonight. Until tomorrow.
Heres a visual of Ass Hat, the resemblance is uncanny.