Welp I drank…

Sorry for so many posts in one day. I wanted to post last night but i ended up saving it as a draft because I was so tired and I needed to read it over when I was not exhausted.

Today I had to take my sister to the airport and met my long lost cousin for breakfast. I was nervous about meeting him, its been a while since I’ve seen him, like 10 years, and i am not a super social person and i definitely don’t have a knack for making random/uncomfortable conversation. It actually went really well. We talked like we never missed a beat. It was great. I then went to meet my friend at cross fit we did a pretty tough workout and headed to lunch.

We were on our way to a Mexican restaurant and she said “can’t wait for a marg!” dammit! We ended up talking through our entire lunch and when lunch was over she said “hey, want a marg” in that second I said “ok” I quickly went through the thought process of. shit shit shit shit. I took my time on the drink, slowly sipping probably over 30 or 40 minutes. The waiter came by and asked if we wanted another one, i said sure. I slowly sipped on that one too. I never got drunk or even felt buzzed. I didn’t look forward to the next one and actually didn’t have a thought process associated with the drink because, get this, I was actually focusing on what my friend was saying and not “whens the next drink coming???”

I know I have been down this road of thinking oh look at me, I HAVE CONTROL, I can start drinking whenever I want and I have learned moderation. Woohoo, I am fixed! NO, that thought will not cross my mind this time. I am an alcoholic and I do not have control over it. However, I did have a bit of self reflection afterwards. I wanted to begin the self loathing but holy balls I couldn’t even think of anything negative to tell myself. Instead I said, hey self, you are human. you drank, this is a marathon and not a sprint and you are going to have hiccups along the way. This does not define you nor does it make you worthless, a loser, or a small person with no resolve. This was the first time my mind actually went to the positive end of the spectrum and it felt good.

Maybe this self reflection is actually working out for me and helping me see that amazing woman that I have only seen in my dreams.

XO

RM

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Cosmic Intervention or Lucky Night

I am currently in the great state of Texas, Woohoo!!!!, visiting my sister. Its a really short trip (only 3 day) but I wanted to see her and her expanding belly and visit with my dog-niece so I have been looking forward to it. I normally have no drive to drink during the week because i just have too much to do but because this feels like “vacation” and Texas was a stomping ground for many a drunken disaster it has been on my mind.

We decided on Mexican food tonight because, lets face it, Colorado is not where one ventures for its hispanic cuisine and sometimes my sister asks me to get a drink so she can have one sip and who am I to take that away from her. I was anxiously awaiting her to say “get a drink so i can taste it” but the waiter came and went and she never said anything. I privately went back and forth of what I would say/do if she asked me to order a drink. (Side note: I have not told her that i quit drinking.) I told myself that I am usually a good drunk around her and by that I mean I am conservative and usually stop drinking after 2 or 3 drinks. I also managed to tell myself that I can control it now, obviously a real alcoholic wouldn’t be able to just quit and I have so far. I don’t know where these mental streams come from but they are very convincing. I decided to start eating and just try to enjoy it and after the food came if I was still craving the drink then I would order it. 30 minutes into the meal while trying the dessert and laughing about something my mind stopped and i thought wow I didnt order a drink, I am enjoying myself and the food without alcohol.

I found that moment to be such a flash in the pan of wanting to drink. I am not sure whether I feel good about ultimately not drinking, or bad because i was letting an outside source dictate whether I drank or not.

Hmmmm.

XO

RM

Time

Where in the world did all this time come from??? I am realizing that I have spent SO MUCH time thinking about drinking, planning drinking, fighting the urge to go to a liquor store, okay, I will go to a liquor store, planning on food because eating too much food won’t get me drunk enough, but not eating food before drinking means I will black out sooner, canceling plans the next day or telling myself I will drink right this time and will be fine tomorrow, starting drinking at 5 pm and not being present until noon the next day…sheesh! without all that I am left with just living. Let me tell you how nice it is to not spend my days figuring out how and when I’m going to get drunk and the other days feeding a deathly hangover.

It feels great!

My most unproductive days have become 100 times more productive then when I was drinking. I had a lot planned today, but it was raining and cold outside so instead I cleaned and organized my room while watching a lot of TED talks. I walked the dogs and made a really good breakfast and then I said hey! its only noon…Its very interesting that I have been waking up lately around 8:30 without an alarm clock, this is unheard of for me. While drinking, even on days/nights I didn’t drink I still couldn’t roll out of bed until noon and like I said my productivity was nill… zip…zero. I got a call to be in a research study that is only 2 hours and pays 175$ which was pretty exciting because I have been trying to quell my anxiety about money and every dollar counts. I then decided to go to the gym (I just joined a globo gym and its a weird place for me. I have always worked out in a pool, beach, or cross fit gym. I don’t even remotely know how to work the machines but money is tight so I canceled my cross fit gym and joined a globo gym.) I actually worked out for 3 hours. I ran 3.4 miles and then did some stretching and core work and then did an hour cycling class. I had so much energy it was ridiculous. I felt good and half way through the run I was smiling. When I got done I had a message from my old trainer at ass hats gym asking me to come back and I saw some really old friends at the globo gym that I haven’t seen in a while. I came home and made dinner, took a bath, packed for my trip and now I’m in bed. Ahhhhh bed 🙂

I didn’t get a lot of school work done, but what I did get done with today I feel really good about, and to think I wanted to drink last night. SO DUMB!

(Oh and as a side note I read this blog that had this quote in it “my body ended up in places where my mind did not feel good. This quote sums up my entire experience with alcohol and I wanted to share it)

XO

RM

Holy Hell!

I made it another day and it feels beyond amazing. I woke up in the same exact position i feel asleep so i was obviously very tired and I finally listened to my body and told my brain to take a hike. There is a glimmer, maybe a small ray of sunshine peaking out from behind the clouds, of hope that my “no power” is getting stronger everyday. I know 15 days is nothing in the grand scheme of things, scratch that, 15 days is f&*#ing amaze balls! (think positive self) but and it is a half way point and having these days built up is really keeping me from turning back to the old drunken disaster that i was.

I am heading to see my very pregnant sister tomorrow and i couldn’t be more excited. I am meeting up with a friend and my younger cousin while I’m there as well which has me a little on edge. Luckily its in the middle of the week so my hope is that they will want to go to breakfast or lunch and not to go to happy hour or dinner. I am still being pretty secretive about my sobriety mainly because I have failed at it before and I don’t want to fail again. I have learned that people without drinking problems could care less if you drink or not but usually the people that have a real issue with the new sober you are also struggling with alcohol abuse and either arent ready to take a look at their own actions, or have yet to discover that they have a problem. It makes sense, that was definitely me at one point, the person that was always pouring more into your glass or the “come on one more drink” person. I did this so I wasn’t the only one making an ass out of myself or the only one that had to make apologies the next day. Misery loves company and I was a miserable human being.

Onward and upward! I am pretty pumped to get all the things i need to do done today and I’m also very pumped that I’m not having to pack and do school work with a major hangover. Yay me!

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XO

RM

Day 14

I haven’t made it through Sunday…yet which is my biggest hurdle and I am thinking about drinking. Sunday is my Friday and unlike most people Friday is my Monday and ALL I WANT TO DO is go to the conveniently placed liquor store around the corner and load up on wine. The strangest part of this desire is that i am literally exhausted from working well over 12 hours today on my feet. Sleep sounds so amazing but why does wine sound even better?

I don’t know what this feeling is and where it came from, I mean I know what it is, its that same intense urge that hits me every Sunday, that one that i try to ignore, i find errands and things to clean, i watch a movie, 2 hours goes by and this intense urge is just as intense as when it begin and I have finally realized its not going away until I give it what it wants. Why is this so darn frustrating and why is it my body is begging for sleep but my mind is saying “no stay up, you can’t sleep until you drink” So what do I DO???? The urge doesn’t stop until I feed it and I am harnessing all my “no” power but i don’t know how long i can resist.

Feeling so broken and out of control of my own mind.

😦

RM

Well well its Saturday again…

its Saturday again and once again i am having an overwhelming desire to drink. I don’t really understand it, well I guess i understand it, its all neural connections that are firing every Saturday every week at 5pm because that is what I have trained them to do for way too long. I read a few blogs and realize that the amazing sober high is usually followed by a crashing sober low and i think i might be on that fiery plane heading towards the ocean.

As amazing as I feel (I ran 3.5 miles today and enjoyed it!) I am grieving, yes grieving, the loss of the old me. WHY?????? Why am I sitting here missing the drunken disaster that I have, up until today, not given one thought about. Why would I ever want to go back to that person? Is it that i am feeling so alone and I realize that she found LOTS of friends in her brain she could talk to when she drank. Is it because I have nothing to numb myself with anymore and i am having to feel real feelings right now? Why would I ever want to give up these amazing feelings and thoughts i have recently had about myself to get shit faced, throw up, not remember the night and wake up feeling like a pile of crap thats been run over twice???

The brain is a funny thing I tell ya.

Lets get down to some important triggers I had today. Ooohh I don’t think I posted my list of triggers yet, so I made a list of triggers so I would be able to identify them when they came up and know that I don’t really want to drink, its just a trigger and it will pass.

Here is the list:

Cooking

Reality TV

Patios

Beaches

Sun lounging

Organizing

Boredom

Nothing scheduled

Doing something healthy for myself like yoga

My Ex

My hometown

My family

Important deadlines

Social Media

This is a list I made up in oh like 5 minutes. It pretty much encompasses everything I ENJOY 😦 Except the EX I will be happy the day I never have to be triggered by his moronic face again)

So today i lived through 5/6 triggers. Sigh. First off, I cook for a living and prior to that I always enjoyed a glass (who the f*#$ am I kidding 3 bottles) of wine while cooking, its classy okay! now I work in a professional kitchen so I dont do that anymore (its frowned upon) but there is always a brief thought especially when I use wine to cook with. So there was my first trigger. My second trigger was that my sister facetimed me because she was having her first baby shower with my family and grandma who is 90 and I wasn’t able to get off to go, and I live so far away. Being with my family is a double edged sword. I am triggered when I am with them and i am triggered when I am away from them. Never a winning situation with that crew. Third came my run. i actually had no intention of running or exercising at all but I got home and it was nice and cool out and my dog had WAY too much energy and before you knew it I was out the door running and it felt good. I didn’t wear headphones I just mentally checked out and that has literally never happened to me in the history of the world when I run, anyways I always feel like doing something good for my self deserves a few bottles of wine like a reward even though in all actuality I am punishing my body and mind with poison. Fourth, I set down and “indulged” in a reality TV show, you know the one where they live in a big city and drink and argue all the time, yes that is what I indulge in, and I don’t know something about reality TV especially this particular show makes me say “hey look at those fancy people, they drink too much and look at all they have, i can do that too” False. I can’t do that too and do I really want to look like those sloppy menopausal women acting like idiots? Fifth and Sixth came the social media aspect and the boredom. I was invited to an event tonight via social media and, A. I have been isolating this entire time because I don’t know how to be around alcohol and say no yet. and B. Ass Hat (Thats the ex’s new name) was attending. I am bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, so freaking bored out of my mind. There is literally only so much introspective thought that one can have without getting sick of talking to ones self. i am very concerned i am gong to become one of those people in store lines that makes conversation “Looks like its going to rain” as the teenager slowly puts his head phones back in so I will stop talking to him and everyone else in line follows suit. Damnit! I can’t become that weird talks to everyone person. I hate that person.

Looks like I have adequately talked myself off the ledge for tonight. Until tomorrow.

Heres a visual of Ass Hat, the resemblance is uncanny.

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XO

RM

Pissed and over it

ARGHHH! Sometimes having the best intentions doesn’t matter. If anyone knows me they know that I am a very very bitchy/rude/insert shitty adjective here when i don’t get sleep. It can make or break my whole day. I went to bed at 10 pm. Turned off the TV turned on the humidifier and turned on my sleep machine. i have struggled with going to bed earlier and waking up earlier for a while but I was feeling good about it last night and had a whole itinerary to do today before work. I was so tired and my eyes were heavy and the moment i start getting tired I get that feeling of excitement of yes, here it comes, I am about to sleep so soundly. I really get this excited about sleep.

Again everything is off and I am cuddled up like a little bug in a rug, all the sudden the front door is slammed open. My window is about 2 feet from the front door and of course the dogs start barking. This shit went on for like 3 or 4 hours. My ex decided to stay home last night (unfortunately for me. I love the feeling of pulling up at home and his car being gone. Literally angels sing when i realize i don’t have to look at him or smell his cologne or hear his stupid ass voice. Toxic much. I think yes.) and I could also here the opening of numerous beers throughout the night which I’m assuming he was getting from the porch. GOD, I have never wanted to punch someone so bad. I think it is one of the most frustrating things to go to bed and when you are on that ledge right before you fall asleep you are loudly shaken awake by doors slamming, beers opening, stomping around, slamming other doors in the house, moving and dropping some sort of heavy objects and the TV playing. I actually was so frustrated I could have cried and really want to right now because I am exhausted and angry. I figured I would have waken up to have a cleaned house and maybe, just maybe, he was moving all his stuff onto the front porch and moving out. NOPE. House is still cluttered with his garbage that he can’t seem to find a place for you know like banana peels, they belong on a kitchen table for 2 weeks right?, and he is soundly asleep because he couldn’t care less about getting up before noon.

Damnit guys! I am sorry for this post but I just needed to vent because i feel so frustrated that i set myself up for a successful energetic day and now I’m exhausted, i feel cloudy and I all in all want to bite everyones head off right now. I don’t know how to get over being in the shittiest of headspace and turning my day around. ARGH!

I am trying to put it into perspective that I am pretty sure I have done this numerous times when i was drunk to neighbors and past roommates with little regard to the fact they were trying to sleep and I also have to try this whole empathy thing.

I am attempting as hard as i can to stay positive about my ex. It was a relationship that didn’t work out and for now we are stuck in an unfortunate living situation but in all reality no one did anything wrong to the other person we are just two very polar opposites but instead I have a constant flow of negative thoughts towards him and i really don’t want to have any thoughts at all. I would like to treat him like any random person with 0 emotions or thoughts, just another human being in regards to him but i feel so much resentment and hate. I know that he is fighting some sort of personal battle too and i need to be empathetic.

I feel better now, thanks for letting me vent. It is interesting to me how I always thought sober people lived in a world without resentment, anger, sadness, and sleep deprivation but it appears they still go through the same experiences as us drunks, they just don’t have the pounding headache and dry mouth to accompany it, and I will take this feeling over that any day.

Maybe I will try meditation this morning.

XO

RM

Damn you wine aisle!

First of let me say that I did not drink despite what the title implies. I am just kind of shocked at the intensity and instantaneous switch my mind can make. I mean wow. I guess i must digress.

I had therapy yesterday. Nothing really out of the norm. We discussed AA and my life story that I had submitted to him and I got a lot of feedback. I would say for the most part I know where I went wrong as child so there really wasn’t anything shocking that came out of that. The only real take away that I had was that I quite literally have nothing and have never had anything I have been excited about or strived to achieve. Thats kind of shocking to hear a loud but it is so true. Everything I have done up to this point was because you were “supposed” to do it. Hmmm maybe thats why I don’t feel challenged is because i have never challenged myself! Shocking revelation isn’t it.

I also learned that i have had very few relationships that I have really cared about let alone “loved” the person. i guess I have always known that I keep my vulnerabilities to myself and try not to show any weakness and that has given me lots of empty relationships. I was assigned to write/come up with 5 things in life I value (this might take a while)

Well onto the point of this post. I had a pretty quiet day. I stayed at my friends house far to late last night chatting about life and woke up pretty late in the morning but I am really happy I had the time to talk to her because it makes a world of a difference venting to someone besides yourself. I actually felt pretty darn energetic this morning so after finishing some school work and work things I went to the gym. I managed to get 3 workouts in and stayed at the gym from 3-7. I decided to get some veggies on my way home for dinner because all I had was salmon, so i stopped at this large grocery shop and right when i walked into the store it hit me like a ton of bricks an entire cascading wall of WINE. Oh you need Spinach well its right next to the wine, and while you are at it here are some excellent prices on wine, oh and look there is wine at the cash register in case you accidentally passed it 20 times and your wolf voice has finally made you realize that what you are missing from your cart is WINE!!!! ITS A GODAMNED CONSPIRACY I TELL YA!

I literally went all day without a single thought about drinking and I had a great day so why suddenly when i walk into a store does my mind switch! WTF IS THAT ABOUT?!?! My mind literally did a 360 from what veggies do I…OH GOD I WANT WINE FUCK VEGETABLES. Sorry for the language but thats how it played out. I am so glad that I quickly mentally said not today and hurriedly walked through the store with my eyes on the floor, literally, I ran into 2 people.

But in all reality is this really how its going to be????? Is there really going to always be this light switch that you never know when, where, or who will turn it on and you just have to hope that you are in the right mind set to say “not today”? I can only hope that it gets easier and those momentary mental farts become fewer and fewer, but until then “not today” is going to be my mantra.

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XO

RM

Day 10

Is there a point at which you stop counting days? I am not close to that point but I mean after a year I would think it would get tedious continuing to keep track. Maybe then you go to counting months kind of like anniversaries?

Who knows, I suppose everyone is different.

I did not go to AA last night like I was planning. Now a days I feel like its important to say no to things and not stress out over feeling obligated. I went to work out and I wanted to get school work done (which didn’t happen) but I knew i would spend the entire meeting wanting to get home so i could get all these things done. I

s it more important to keep goals and promises to yourself or to attempt to let life flow and not stress the small stuff? I guess my sobriety is not the small stuff but I still don’t feel like I am really ADDING anything to the group as much as just observing what my life could look like if i continue to act in a self sabotaging manner. I feel like that attitude isn’t fair to the others. People are going there to be amongst other addicts and to get support not to be judged and I spend almost 65% of the time judging these peoples catastrophic actions and all the while feeling better about myself and the other 35% I spend scared shitless someone will make me speak. God forbid!

I have only gone to 2 meetings but I think eventually speaking at the meetings will really help me. Mainly because speaking to anyone i don’t know causes me tremendous anxiety so i can only imagine speaking to an entire group i don’t know and talking about my biggest insecurities will be a really fabulous feeling. Yikes -__-.

I have counseling today, which I’m nervous about because last month he asked me to write my life story and this week will be the first week he has seen it and we will talk about it. I feel really exposed and vulnerable that he knows EVERYTHING I have spent my life covering up and lying about. I am just going to try to sit with the vulnerability and let it be what it is and not try to numb it with anything.

On a different note i have really gotten into cycling, like really into it, which is funny since I always found the outfits and the people that cycle ridiculous (not shocking, I am realizing I am a judge mcjudgerton and i jump to conclusions about people that are instantaneous and have no basis in facts) but i signed up for a sprint triathlon and since training in cycling I LOVE IT. Padded pants and all (I actually still refuse to wear diaper pants)! Where was I, oh yeah, so anyways in my classes I have thought man it would be pretty awesome to be a cycling coach so I applied to this really neat looking one in town and she emailed me back. I don’t have any requirements at all, but she still asked for my resume and to chat in person. Maybe I can win her over with my…….Yikes and here is the part I need to work on. Realizing positive qualities in myself.

Another post in the books and hey I might be talking to myself and this vast universe of the intraweb but whateves.

Progress over perfection all damn day!

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XO

RM

Mistakes

I have been seeing a therapist in regards to my drinking. He is an addict and has been sober for 11 years. 11 years seems like such an uphill battle but any who he has been sober for 11 years. I found him one morning in November after a raging drunk fest of a Thanksgiving where i ended up in bed with 2 of my friends that are married (in my defense they are swingers and I knew all about it but I believe what goes on between married adults is none of my business). UGH!!!! and to say this is the least of my faux pas makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. I woke up that morning, feeling like absolute garbage, and got on my computer and googled help. At this point i knew there was no way I was going to get out of this by myself for christ sake i just had a three way with my married friends that I don’t even remember. My handling of my drinking was not working. He surprisingly emailed me an hour after I sent out my white flag and I scheduled an appointment for Monday.

I have never really liked therapy. I don’t like talking about myself and I definently don’t enjoy delving into my life history but this was kind of my last shot. I mentioned this before but I felt that I didn’t want to die but I really didn’t want to be alive anymore. I mean what was the point. I regretted almost every day of my life waking up disoriented and miserable with nothing to look forward to and no real goals in life. I felt like i was just a feather floating along and whatever i fell on I would accept as my fate and then when the wind picked up again I would float off to another random spot and hang out there all the while damning my life as a feather that has no control over the wind.

i felt helpless like I was in a constant free fall in a shit factory. At that time I didnt understand that i am the wind and my life is the feather and i can blow it which ever way i want to. In some ways I credit the happenings of Thanksgiving for finally making me reach a bottom. It wasn’t a sleeping outside under a tree with two cents to my name bottom but it was a moral bottom that I had no choice but to look at and tell myself its time to fucking cut this shit out. I am not a victim of circumstance. I was choosing every time to step foot into the liquor store and i was choosing every time to down more alcohol knowing damn well what was going to come out of it all while saying poor me I wish i had a choice in the matter of my life.

Maybe it takes finally getting tired of believing your own shit that helps you make the break. i am not a victim, I am not weak and I AM CERTAINLY NOT A VICTIM OF MY CIRCUMSTANCE.

I am truly done living the same sad small life

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XO

RM