I don’t know what happened Sunday, well actually I DO, same thing that happens every Sunday. I am attempting to write down WHY this keeps happening so i can identify my triggers and maybe figure out a way to get out of this vicious cycle. I am here again. Sad, lonely, depressed, still slightly hungover, sick to my stomach and just all around embarrassed.
I struggled the night before, Saturday with not drinking. i work weekends and when i get off work driving by patios and parks and realizing I’m going home to sit alone in my room, or read a book alone, or watch tv alone is a weekly struggle. That Saturday i thought about it but knowing i had to get up and go to work the next day was reason enough for me to buckle down, do some school work and just enjoy my own company. Sunday i woke up feeling great. I tried to take a mental snapshot of how i felt so maybe later, if i needed to, i could page back through my photos and realize how good it feels not to feel like shit.
I worked from about 7am-4:30p. This is a longer day than I am used to and it had its share of frustrations but nothing to drink about. I told my therapist that I would go to AA and in general i do what i say when i say it. I actually dreaded going all day. I don’t know why, after all no one was going to kidnap me and take me to a cult in the woods, I have been watching The Following lately and i am pretty concerned this is really going to happen, but non the less I was really anxious about it. I know I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill but i just have this horrible preconceived notion of it. I can even smell how i think the room and people will smell. i can taste the bitter coffee and i imagine myself cringing at the jesus talk that will ensue, and all of this coming from no actual experience but a mental one i have seen countless times on tv and movies. It really is amazing how the media can influence behavior and thinking. Well anyways i made excuses the whole way home. “i am too tired and i don’t even want to drink, i just want to go home and sleep” ” The meeting i picked was only 30 minutes from now and I won’t have time to eat and walk the dogs and feed the dogs and get showered and drive there” “man if I’m late, i will probably have to say 19 hail marys and 20 our fathers and be called out in front of the group”. Conveniently it was 5:45P by the time i was done talking myself out of it so i missed the meeting. Shoot.
I decided well i don’t have any desire to drink so no harm no foul. I took the dogs for a walk, well one dog, my other dog was gone when i got home because my ex, whom i still live with, took him somewhere (thats a story for a whole different post more like 45 posts but I will give you the condensed version) which actually pissed me off. I shouldn’t get mad that he takes him fun places but its just that he is my dog and that he only does fun things with him he doesn’t actually take care of him you know like walk him 2 times a day or feed him he only does things with him when its convenient and when he knows he will get attention with him around.
So the trigger begin (this is also what triggered me last Sunday) I live in a very patio friendly part of town. Everyone sits on their porches or in their yards when its a nice day. This is the exact scenario that happened last sunday minus all the woman and children in Easter dresses. Almost every house I went by had people sitting on their patio, windows open, wine in their hand(if not wine it was liquor i imagined in their coffee cups), light music playing, laughing and chatting. Their 2.5 kids playing in the yard with their golden retriever named Scout. Obviously this did not actually happen but you get the point. Lots of really happy people with really happy families and perfect lives. I know that my perception is off and that half of these people hate their spouses or are struggling with something in life but at the time all it does is give me this utter sense of “you are 100% all alone”. The thought pattern now turns into who cares if you don’t drink or you do drink, no one will be the wiser and it will make you feel better. I am also good at justifying doing it Sunday because i have nothing to do Monday so i can be hungover and pitiful all day. It will be a day to relax, because I can’t think of a more relaxing way to spend Monday than being encompasitated with a hangover locked in you dark room.
I got home with the decision that i was going to drink, and i was going to make it count! None of this buy one bottle, hell buy three. Who cares you are alone and at least this way you can get it out of your system. In almost a frenzy, like you better hurry up before you change your mind and your more rational self tells you not to do it, I ran to the liquor store got wine and as soon as i came home popped it open. I actually set on it for a while. I kind of didn’t want it. I was really tired and I just wanted to sleep but i wasn’t going to be a quitter and then i would be forced to withstand the same back and forth mental game Monday night so i figured i would get it over with tonight. (I left out the whole cleaning my entire room top to bottom, even dusting the fan while i fought with myself to justify drinking it)
I poured one glass and that went down in about 30 seconds, i poured another glass and that just as quickly went down. One thing i have realized is for how picky i am with wine, i usually buy pretty expensive wine and only really drink dry reds, i honestly don’t know that i ever drink slow enough to taste it. I just literally open my throat and down it goes. I could be drinking gasoline but there is such a frenzy to down as much as possible in the shortest amount of time that I never taste it.
Anyways thats how the night ended. I drank two bottles of wine, have no recollection of my drunken texts to my ex or how/when i went to bed or when i changed into different pajamas or why my sweater i was wearing was covered in snot, oh actually i do slightly remember a downpour of tears at some point which would explain my red dry eyes. The next day I pretty much wanted to die. I didn’t leave my bed for the entire day and went to sleep at 10. Today I feel slightly better but i still feel like i have the flu and my stomach hurts and i can’t really get motivated to do anything. I read somewhere that if anything you ate ever made you feel as bad as a hangover chances are you would never eat it again. What is it about alcohol that makes you decide that giving away a whole day out of your short life is worth being numb???