Coma

Well today did not start off as planned. First off it is a horribly cold snowy day. I went to bed pretty early and hoped to get up around 7. I woke up at 9:30. I am so congested and my period decided to come around bright and early today (blah!). I wanted to get ahead of school work so i didn’t have excuses this weekend to skip working out because of “all the work i had to do” when really I would just finish the work in an hour and reward myself with 2 or 3 bottles of wine because by that time it would be too late to workout. Any who I am glad to say i got all my school work done but i didn’t work out or even get out of my PJ’s.

Normally I really feel guilty about these days that i didn’t accomplish anything and I really hate the feeling of having an overall crummy day. I think when I envision being sober, i have always pictured not having bad days. I mean what do normal people do with bad days, just live through them? How do they numb themselves to things not going as planned? I think its a really odd discovery that even sober normal people have bad days or days they want to be lazy and its okay to just sit with that feeling.

I had no intention of drinking today and never even thought about alcohol until i started this post. I really wanted to read my book and just say forget about posting tonight but I want to stay consistent and post every day so here goes my thoughts! ūüôā

i just watched this documentary about people in comas on HBO. I find anything having to do with the brain absolutely enthralling. I find it so amazing what that little ball of mush is capable of. Most of the people were in traumatic car accidents that left them in comas and apparently there are different levels of cognitive trauma and there is also a threshold of time before it is considered permanent. I guess I always wondered how you just pull the plug without knowing what that person is experiencing but there is an ever growing amount of research on the topic.

One man was able to understand very difficult requests but only via writing and was getting so frustrated. The parents and the nurses spoke to these people like children, which i have never understood baby talk to babies let alone adults. How does this relate to addiction? Well besides the fact that addiction is 100% between your ears, I found a commonality to the struggles these individuals were having and the struggles i am having. The parallel I took from this show and my addiction is the constant feeling of this amazing phenomenal person that is stuck inside me. I can see her sometimes in my dreams. i see how smart and witty she is, so in control but also very vulnerable and gentile. She radiates peace and happiness and never stops smiling. She looks exactly like me but is brighter in some way.

I see this person and its me but when i wake up i can’t find her. When I think about how to get a hold of her and let her shine I actually get scared. What if people think she is self centered and conceded? What if she only exists in my mind and i will never be that person? What if she fails? All these fears of how society will perceive shiny and bright ME¬†boil up and I decide to kick dirt over her and make her retreat back to my dreams, after all its much easier to continue on a path i know than to travel a new direction. These people with brain injuries are trapped in their ailing bodies and stuck in their brains in a very exaggerated form but arent we all stuck in these bodies and letting our brains tell us our limitations? I don’t want to diminish or make light of these peoples daily struggles, they are fighting tooth and nail to get out of their heads and retrain their brains and grow new neural connections and their fight is hard and uphill but aren’t we all in a different way trying to retrain our brains and fighting to be better?

Maybe we are all just in a coma, maybe those bright sunny people like the one from my dreams are free from the coma and we, self loathing night crawlers are still in our vegetative state trying to rewire some things so we can wake up.

Those are my two cents. Be mindful that I am also reading a book that is surprisingly about a coma patient so thats kind of where my mind traveled tonight.

Ooh maybe mind travel is next.

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XO

RM

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