Monday Day 7?

Apparently I can’t count. I believe today is my day 7, I think i included last Sunday in my count but last Sunday I was busy chugging wine and crying in my PJs. Wow is me kind of shit. There isn’t much knew to report. I haven’t had any triggers that have been to hard to stay away from. That brings me to something to write about.

Triggers. I watched a documentary about addiction and during a study they learned that triggers actually happen in less then 5 seconds. This is why our frontal lobe, or reasoning centers don’t have time to get involved. It happens so instantaneous that there is no chance to reason. This is why it is so easy to go from one second, I am having a great day and have no desire for drinking to the next second of holy shit I can’t stop thinking about drinking.

This an many other scientific studies about addiction are why i have a really hard time following AA. I truly don’t believe I am powerless. There are actually a million bugillion (yes, that is from a study) neural connections that have been created in my brain in regards to alcohol and guess who put them there. ME. So if i wasn’t powerless when i created these neural connections maybe I’m not powerless now while i try to reroute the connections but it all reality I truly believe we are each gods in our own right. Think about it, anything you can think of can exist. Our minds our thoughts everything we are capable of makes us gods. So maybe all AA is telling me to do is put faith and trust in myself.

I don’t know. I just started a juice fast today (horrible idea) I woke up and ran with my friend at 8 but then managed to come back to bed until 2 pm. I was just so tired and out of energy. I then attempted to workout at 4 and I almost passed out. Juice fast=bad idea for me unless i am willing to spend two days trying to cope with feeling miserable and i think I have wasted far too many days feeling miserable.

i will just be over here rewiring my neural hardware

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XO

RM

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