Day 10

Is there a point at which you stop counting days? I am not close to that point but I mean after a year I would think it would get tedious continuing to keep track. Maybe then you go to counting months kind of like anniversaries?

Who knows, I suppose everyone is different.

I did not go to AA last night like I was planning. Now a days I feel like its important to say no to things and not stress out over feeling obligated. I went to work out and I wanted to get school work done (which didn’t happen) but I knew i would spend the entire meeting wanting to get home so i could get all these things done. I

s it more important to keep goals and promises to yourself or to attempt to let life flow and not stress the small stuff? I guess my sobriety is not the small stuff but I still don’t feel like I am really ADDING anything to the group as much as just observing what my life could look like if i continue to act in a self sabotaging manner. I feel like that attitude isn’t fair to the others. People are going there to be amongst other addicts and to get support not to be judged and I spend almost 65% of the time judging these peoples catastrophic actions and all the while feeling better about myself and the other 35% I spend scared shitless someone will make me speak. God forbid!

I have only gone to 2 meetings but I think eventually speaking at the meetings will really help me. Mainly because speaking to anyone i don’t know causes me tremendous anxiety so i can only imagine speaking to an entire group i don’t know and talking about my biggest insecurities will be a really fabulous feeling. Yikes -__-.

I have counseling today, which I’m nervous about because last month he asked me to write my life story and this week will be the first week he has seen it and we will talk about it. I feel really exposed and vulnerable that he knows EVERYTHING I have spent my life covering up and lying about. I am just going to try to sit with the vulnerability and let it be what it is and not try to numb it with anything.

On a different note i have really gotten into cycling, like really into it, which is funny since I always found the outfits and the people that cycle ridiculous (not shocking, I am realizing I am a judge mcjudgerton and i jump to conclusions about people that are instantaneous and have no basis in facts) but i signed up for a sprint triathlon and since training in cycling I LOVE IT. Padded pants and all (I actually still refuse to wear diaper pants)! Where was I, oh yeah, so anyways in my classes I have thought man it would be pretty awesome to be a cycling coach so I applied to this really neat looking one in town and she emailed me back. I don’t have any requirements at all, but she still asked for my resume and to chat in person. Maybe I can win her over with my…….Yikes and here is the part I need to work on. Realizing positive qualities in myself.

Another post in the books and hey I might be talking to myself and this vast universe of the intraweb but whateves.

Progress over perfection all damn day!

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XO

RM

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