First of let me say that I did not drink despite what the title implies. I am just kind of shocked at the intensity and instantaneous switch my mind can make. I mean wow. I guess i must digress.
I had therapy yesterday. Nothing really out of the norm. We discussed AA and my life story that I had submitted to him and I got a lot of feedback. I would say for the most part I know where I went wrong as child so there really wasn’t anything shocking that came out of that. The only real take away that I had was that I quite literally have nothing and have never had anything I have been excited about or strived to achieve. Thats kind of shocking to hear a loud but it is so true. Everything I have done up to this point was because you were “supposed” to do it. Hmmm maybe thats why I don’t feel challenged is because i have never challenged myself! Shocking revelation isn’t it.
I also learned that i have had very few relationships that I have really cared about let alone “loved” the person. i guess I have always known that I keep my vulnerabilities to myself and try not to show any weakness and that has given me lots of empty relationships. I was assigned to write/come up with 5 things in life I value (this might take a while)
Well onto the point of this post. I had a pretty quiet day. I stayed at my friends house far to late last night chatting about life and woke up pretty late in the morning but I am really happy I had the time to talk to her because it makes a world of a difference venting to someone besides yourself. I actually felt pretty darn energetic this morning so after finishing some school work and work things I went to the gym. I managed to get 3 workouts in and stayed at the gym from 3-7. I decided to get some veggies on my way home for dinner because all I had was salmon, so i stopped at this large grocery shop and right when i walked into the store it hit me like a ton of bricks an entire cascading wall of WINE. Oh you need Spinach well its right next to the wine, and while you are at it here are some excellent prices on wine, oh and look there is wine at the cash register in case you accidentally passed it 20 times and your wolf voice has finally made you realize that what you are missing from your cart is WINE!!!! ITS A GODAMNED CONSPIRACY I TELL YA!
I literally went all day without a single thought about drinking and I had a great day so why suddenly when i walk into a store does my mind switch! WTF IS THAT ABOUT?!?! My mind literally did a 360 from what veggies do I…OH GOD I WANT WINE FUCK VEGETABLES. Sorry for the language but thats how it played out. I am so glad that I quickly mentally said not today and hurriedly walked through the store with my eyes on the floor, literally, I ran into 2 people.
But in all reality is this really how its going to be????? Is there really going to always be this light switch that you never know when, where, or who will turn it on and you just have to hope that you are in the right mind set to say “not today”? I can only hope that it gets easier and those momentary mental farts become fewer and fewer, but until then “not today” is going to be my mantra.