Pissed and over it

ARGHHH! Sometimes having the best intentions doesn’t matter. If anyone knows me they know that I am a very very bitchy/rude/insert shitty adjective here when i don’t get sleep. It can make or break my whole day. I went to bed at 10 pm. Turned off the TV turned on the humidifier and turned on my sleep machine. i have struggled with going to bed earlier and waking up earlier for a while but I was feeling good about it last night and had a whole itinerary to do today before work. I was so tired and my eyes were heavy and the moment i start getting tired I get that feeling of excitement of yes, here it comes, I am about to sleep so soundly. I really get this excited about sleep.

Again everything is off and I am cuddled up like a little bug in a rug, all the sudden the front door is slammed open. My window is about 2 feet from the front door and of course the dogs start barking. This shit went on for like 3 or 4 hours. My ex decided to stay home last night (unfortunately for me. I love the feeling of pulling up at home and his car being gone. Literally angels sing when i realize i don’t have to look at him or smell his cologne or hear his stupid ass voice. Toxic much. I think yes.) and I could also here the opening of numerous beers throughout the night which I’m assuming he was getting from the porch. GOD, I have never wanted to punch someone so bad. I think it is one of the most frustrating things to go to bed and when you are on that ledge right before you fall asleep you are loudly shaken awake by doors slamming, beers opening, stomping around, slamming other doors in the house, moving and dropping some sort of heavy objects and the TV playing. I actually was so frustrated I could have cried and really want to right now because I am exhausted and angry. I figured I would have waken up to have a cleaned house and maybe, just maybe, he was moving all his stuff onto the front porch and moving out. NOPE. House is still cluttered with his garbage that he can’t seem to find a place for you know like banana peels, they belong on a kitchen table for 2 weeks right?, and he is soundly asleep because he couldn’t care less about getting up before noon.

Damnit guys! I am sorry for this post but I just needed to vent because i feel so frustrated that i set myself up for a successful energetic day and now I’m exhausted, i feel cloudy and I all in all want to bite everyones head off right now. I don’t know how to get over being in the shittiest of headspace and turning my day around. ARGH!

I am trying to put it into perspective that I am pretty sure I have done this numerous times when i was drunk to neighbors and past roommates with little regard to the fact they were trying to sleep and I also have to try this whole empathy thing.

I am attempting as hard as i can to stay positive about my ex. It was a relationship that didn’t work out and for now we are stuck in an unfortunate living situation but in all reality no one did anything wrong to the other person we are just two very polar opposites but instead I have a constant flow of negative thoughts towards him and i really don’t want to have any thoughts at all. I would like to treat him like any random person with 0 emotions or thoughts, just another human being in regards to him but i feel so much resentment and hate. I know that he is fighting some sort of personal battle too and i need to be empathetic.

I feel better now, thanks for letting me vent. It is interesting to me how I always thought sober people lived in a world without resentment, anger, sadness, and sleep deprivation but it appears they still go through the same experiences as us drunks, they just don’t have the pounding headache and dry mouth to accompany it, and I will take this feeling over that any day.

Maybe I will try meditation this morning.

XO

RM

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