Sorry for so many posts in one day. I wanted to post last night but i ended up saving it as a draft because I was so tired and I needed to read it over when I was not exhausted.
Today I had to take my sister to the airport and met my long lost cousin for breakfast. I was nervous about meeting him, its been a while since I’ve seen him, like 10 years, and i am not a super social person and i definitely don’t have a knack for making random/uncomfortable conversation. It actually went really well. We talked like we never missed a beat. It was great. I then went to meet my friend at cross fit we did a pretty tough workout and headed to lunch.
We were on our way to a Mexican restaurant and she said “can’t wait for a marg!” dammit! We ended up talking through our entire lunch and when lunch was over she said “hey, want a marg” in that second I said “ok” I quickly went through the thought process of. shit shit shit shit. I took my time on the drink, slowly sipping probably over 30 or 40 minutes. The waiter came by and asked if we wanted another one, i said sure. I slowly sipped on that one too. I never got drunk or even felt buzzed. I didn’t look forward to the next one and actually didn’t have a thought process associated with the drink because, get this, I was actually focusing on what my friend was saying and not “whens the next drink coming???”
I know I have been down this road of thinking oh look at me, I HAVE CONTROL, I can start drinking whenever I want and I have learned moderation. Woohoo, I am fixed! NO, that thought will not cross my mind this time. I am an alcoholic and I do not have control over it. However, I did have a bit of self reflection afterwards. I wanted to begin the self loathing but holy balls I couldn’t even think of anything negative to tell myself. Instead I said, hey self, you are human. you drank, this is a marathon and not a sprint and you are going to have hiccups along the way. This does not define you nor does it make you worthless, a loser, or a small person with no resolve. This was the first time my mind actually went to the positive end of the spectrum and it felt good.
Maybe this self reflection is actually working out for me and helping me see that amazing woman that I have only seen in my dreams.