Poop Talk

Sorry I haven’t been blogging. I know everyone has been twiddling their fingers waiting for a new post. HA!

I am at the airport headed back to Colorado and I am successfully at 27 days sober and I can literally tell you it does get easier. I haven’t even thought about alcohol. I spent two days interviewing with VP’s of billion dollar companies and also spoke to a woman in the HR of the companies. She told me that she appreciated that I have gone the “path less traveled” (AKA my move to a random state after college all alone) and had a plethora of interesting jobs (AKA jumped from odd job to school to crappy jobs again) in different fields because it shows character and gives me a different perspective. (hmmmm ok?!) She also said that I am a perfect fit for their company she just has to find an open position. I know this does not mean I have a job in the bag but:

A. I was able to speak with confidence in my interviews and

B. I really do believe I would be a huge asset to the company.

This is a far cry from my normal belief that if someone wanted to hire me its because i “pulled the wool over their eyes”. I actually sat in the car pretty nervous about meeting these people because they are huge hitters in the industry but I told myself they might be multimillionaire business people but they are just people that probably have daily struggles just like you and you might not have a glowing resume but you have a glowing personality and you are intelligent and charismatic and they would be lucky to have you…I know that little pep talk kept me calm and confident when talking for 3 hours about my strengths and weaknesses.

On another note there has been so many changes mentally but physically too.

***Disclaimer: I am an open book when it comes to body functions and i think they are not gross but pretty good indicators so stop reading if you don’t like to talk about poo***

i have obviously mentioned the mental changes i have had over the past 27 days. I feel happier, like I’m high on a regular basis, i ACTUALLY smile, like a real smile, not my normal forced grin/grimace/bitchy face, I sleep like a log and i have woken up every day before 8 am feeling rested. I have noticed that my sclera (whites of my eyes) have become whiter! I never looked in the mirror before and been like wow look at your sclera self, but I do notice that there are less blood vessels and they are no longer an off white but incredibly white! Weird, I know. Also, my poop is like beyond perfect, I have read numerous books about poop, WAY TOO much info I know, but assessing your poop really is a great tool to know how your body is functioning. Mine has gone from not so great (regular bouts of diarrhea and cramping) to just fabulous and regular! i actually smile when I realize how good my bowels feel. I noticed my skin has started to really clear up. I didn’t have acne or anything like that but it always looked so dull and now it is almost glowing. My sugar cravings are finally dissipating and I am still working on my coffee addiction but all in all i really feel like a new person and cannot fathom going back!

I like how i grouped interviewing with a huge company and talking about my poop all in the same post 🙂 Have a wonderful Sunday Y’all!

mr-hankey-mrhankey-10743602-1379-2100

XO

RM

Why?!?

First off please send positive vibes to Texas, we are having crazy storms and there are so many people that have lost everything including loved ones. Please pray, meditate, chant, say a quick word to the universe or whatever you believe in for these people.

I am still in Texas enjoying every minute of it. My sister is 7 months pregnant so i am not having any urges or problems with drinking. She had her baby shower on Saturday and I am so proud to say that I stayed sober even though i was being literally harassed about not drinking.

First, I get to the shower and they pour me some weird cocktail with wine and some raspberry marinade and some other fruity stuff. I just set with it and grabbed a water. I had no desire to drink it manly because mixed drinks are not my thing, at all and i really wanted to experience the shower without the cloud of alcohol (weird new feeling). Post shower we meet at my sisters boyfriends families house for a BBQ and I was literally asked over 100 times if I wanted a drink and when I said no thank you they would just offer me a different kind of alcohol. Want a beer? Oh well I have wine…no, well lets take tequila shots…still no, well we have some whiskey… I SAID NO THANKS F*@$!!!! It was really frustrating and I felt like I needed an excuse. Oh I am on antibiotics so I can’t have a drink…Hopefully one day this stops happening. I know people are just trying to be friendly and it was the first time meeting his family and I am sure they have heard about how much of an alcoholic I am from their son but it was just so frustrating. Sigh, take a deep breath

Anywho, we drove from the shower to my hometown. I HATE GOING HOME, but this time was different. I saw the shack that I was raised in and my aging parents in a less annoying light and just went with it and guess what?? I had fun! I absolutely love my parents, they have given me anything and everything i ever needed and i can finally step out of my personal embarrassment and annoyance with the hoarding and the repetitive delusional stories and the drunken conversations and realize that they are who they are and they are struggling with something too, because low and behold they were actually people before they became parents and they are not their mistakes and who am i to judge them.

Normally at home I get wasted on shitty wine with my dad and talk shit about my mom and how shitty my life is and then wake up around noon sweating profusely and stepping over trash and roaches to get to the bathroom to throw up all while damning my hometown and wishing I was somewhere else. This trip involved no alcohol, I took my mom to dinner, chatted with my parents after dinner, went to bed around 10 pm, woke up and went to a local cross fit gym to do a memorial day workout, rode beach cruisers with my mom to lunch and headed out of town. I actually put off leaving because I was enjoying their company. I am BEYOND shocked at my change in attitude with only a month of sobriety, imagine what kind of changes I will make in a year?!?!?

I am so happy and every time I think about drinking there is a quick and resounding “why?” that shuts it down immediately.

Why would I give up feeling so good to feel like utter garbage? Why?

XO

RM

Texans drink alcohol

Sorry I have been MIA. I have been trekking across the state of Texas (1280 miles to be exact) since I flew in Friday. I have not drank but it has been quite a chore. You know when people say “no one forced you to drink, no one opened your mouth and poured it in” well I was darn close to being forced to drink this weekend and I was very ill prepared for that. I know that alcohol and Texas are synonymous but I don’t think I realized how closely linked they are.

I will have a longer post tomorrow but I am exhausted from driving in flash floods all day and I have a, cross your fingers, really really really great job interview tomorrow.

Wish me luck again!

XO

RM

Business partners are gross

It is 8:40 and I am at the airport having breakfast waiting for my flight for my sister’s baby shower. I had a pretty eventful day yesterday. I woke up at 5 am for no apparent reason, wide eyed and bushy tailed (HA, me being bushy tailed is a stretch!) This has been happening a lot lately. Waking up early for no reason. I know I have wanted to become an early bird for a long time and even though that’s a really small goal it’s slowly but surely coming to fruition without me even trying. I got a lot packed and did two workouts before noon. I planned on taking the dogs to the mountains for a nice long hike that day but there was rain in the forecast and we have had torrential downpours lately, so instead I went home and red a book until about 4.

I decided to gather my proverbial balls and go talk to my ex about the whole move out situation and how we were going to handle the dogs. It went well, better than I expected, and as much as I have been counting down the days to get out, I feel such a deep sadness about it all. He seemed very low key and sad and in turn that made me really sad. I keep reminding myself that we are so very toxic together and me leaving gives us both a chance at happiness that we could never have together, but it is heartbreaking to leave a person that was my best friend for 5 years.

I told him something private about his business partner that I have kept to myself for a while. His married business partner sent me a very long and very inappropriate text message that he was in love with me and only married his wife because I was taken and now we could have a chance. I can honestly say I never thought of him in any other way than my boyfriends business partner and I had no idea what to do with this information. His wife was kind of a close friend, I mean I was in her wedding but we have lost touch since then. I didn’t want to just spread the text to my ex and his wife and start unnecessary drama but I also hate keeping things from people and I think the truth always comes out and its usually better when it comes out early on. I also didn’t want to tell my ex in a way that would hurt him, we have both experienced so much damage from our constant breaking up and making up that I just wanted to move and not think twice about it, but there was a nagging need to tell him so that he could re-evaulate their friendship and decide what he wanted to do with it. Needless to say after I told him he seemed really upset, he actually got up and left the house for an hour or so.

I don’t know if telling him was the right call. I don’t like to be part of drama and I don’t like being responsible for hurting someones feelings. I guess the information is out there now and there is nothing more I have to think about so that is that but it still feels shitty.

I ended the night with a friend at the movie theatre watching pitch perfect 2 and inhaling buttered popcorn and sour patch kids (which I’m pretty sure i stole on accident) and feel asleep at 11pm.

XO

RM

Gross Emotional Letter

My assignment from my therapist last week was to write a letter to my sister that outlines my resignations in regards to moving in with her as well as why I am excited about living with her.

A little backstory, I moved in with her my last year of college because I had a tool for a landlord that stopped paying his mortgage so the bank seized the property and evicted all of the tenants the week before finals. She just bought a house about 10 minutes from campus with 3 bedrooms so I moved in. Her DOUCHE bag boyfriend lived there and we DID NOT GET ALONG. In some ways it was my fault, I was drinking heavily every night living there (insert dumbass rationalizing for why i drank heavily here…college was ending during a really bad recession, I was working at a surgical vet clinic with no prospects of a grown up job in sight and animals dropping dead of horribly sad illnesses every day, My high school sweetheart of 5 years moved away but wanted to keep me on hold without any commitment, see i told ya. I got excuses!) Anywho we did not get a long. He is and has always been a very chauvinistic pig. He would kick the dogs and would tell me how woman needed to do all the chores in the house. Just  a really not nice person but she has been with him now for 14 years and if I have learned one thing, it is that you cannot change people. I moved out the day I graduated and moved with my friend to Colorado. I have been here ever since and now I am headed back to a different city but same situation in Texas, and a newborn…

None of the issues have anything to do with my sister, she is and has always been basically my mom and the responsible one of the whole family. I mentioned in an earlier post that my parents were very lackadaisical when it came to parenting and when i was on a course for disaster my sister was the one to step in, not my parents. I actually live really well with her, we get along very well and are on the same wavelength. Any who i should get on to the letter. I am not sure why I need to write this because he told me i wasn’t actually going to give it to her, maybe its to become aware of the issues that i foresee and then to actually work them out in my brain before they happen? I don’t know.

Feel free to stop reading now if you don’t want to read the letter. I am just too lazy to start a new word document 🙂

Sister:

So i know that we have lived together before and as much as I absolutely love being around YOU and living with YOU. I don’t think you realize that the last time we lived together, it was the darkest and most self destructive time in my life.

Most of it had to do with the fear of graduating and having nothing lined up compounded with working at the vet and watching countless animals suffer and die on a daily basis and add to that my really rocky relationship with Steven and his stringing me along, I can say I was not in a good place during those years and I felt like I was suffocating.

i don’t believe it necessarily had anything to do with where I was living as much as it had to do with my mindset and mental attitude towards life. I know that me being financially responsible for myself has been a huge struggle for me. I never wanted to rely on anyone to support me but I have always allowed you and dad to bail me out and support me for so long that I don’t have the slightest appreciation for money.

When we lived together I did not pay rent or anything to help support the household. I am not quite sure when it happened that I started believing other people “owe” me a living or how I became this person that feels entitled. I unfortunately believe I have taken after mom in that respect and feel like my continued financial instability has diminished a lot of my self worth.

I think my biggest fear (and probably yours) is becoming like mom or dad. I was definently on that path of the “woe is me” victim of circumstance” (mom) and the “drunken should have, would have, could have” person (dad) and I am worried that with my move back to Texas I will start sliding back into those patterns. 

I am also worried about living with your boyfriend, or frankly being around him. I don’t really know him all that well, but from how I have seen him treat you while I lived with y’all before, I know he has never garnered my respect. You are such an amazing person and to watch you treated the way he treats you is unnerving. I also know that you can’t make decisions for people in regards to how they live their life and as long as you are happy, I am happy and will be there for you.

I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor (hence the gross emotional letter:) and am working on my abuse with alcohol and my self esteem issues. I know alcohol has always been my way of trying to escape myself and my consistent disappointment in myself as well as an escape from our VERY dysfunctional family. I never learned to expect much from myself or for myself, I was never the smart one or the athletic one and I never felt like there were any expectations from me so I never expected anything above average from myself. I always felt like I had really impossible shoes to fill so I gave up pretty quickly when I knew that I would never be as good as you and I have continued to not strive for anything.

I have always looked up to you and love you more than anything in the world. I know we are not the outwardly emotional type of people, probably a learned skill from mom and dad, but I am always here for you if you ever need emotional support and I know you are here for me as well. I am really excited to be there for you in this new chapter of your life and I am asking that you hold me accountable with all the stuff I have been working on. I want to be a positive role model and not a drunken disaster of an aunt. I want to start expecting more from myself and I want you to require more from me. 

XO

RM

***Is it odd that I am literally cringing inside re-reading this? I think my body is allergic to vulnerability***

The Universe told me I can so I will

Yesterday was interesting and I went through a range of emotions.

I first felt sadness and a sense of loss about my current living situation and the (very soon) giant move away from everything I have known for 5 years. It is also really hard to leave a relationship of 5 years and even though i know we aren’t good for each other, there is a deep sadness on a human level of parting ways and knowing that there is a very real possibility you will never see them again.

I also felt this huge relief of starting over. i know many of you, as substance abusers, know all too well the attempts to move away from yourself. I have been concerned that this was yet another, move to another state, to escape ME, but when I delve into my reasonings this is a very different situation than it was before and i am going home because it is what I feel i need to do.

I also felt pure and utter joy yesterday, I am getting a chance to start over. I have faced my demons and whether or not I slip again with drinking i know i will quickly dust myself off and get back up. That life i had before was no life at all and with all the work I have put in and am continually putting into becoming fully self aware that deep dark hole I climbed out of almost 6 months ago has been mostly filled in and there is a ladder awaiting me if i ever need it.

I am actively working on becoming more vulnerable and opening up to people and I have not received ANY of the negative responses I have always been fearing, if anything it has made me closer to people I really care about (who knew right?).

Yesterday I told myself “you can drink if you want” mainly because I feel suffocated with authority even when its myself and having the leash lengthened made me say well I can but i don’t want to so moving on, and that was that. I have learned so much from therapy and the one main thing that I can say I have taken away was that other things in life HAVE TO become more important than alcohol or I will never have a reason to quit. I felt my brain shift yesterday, I mentally said, nah not today, I have stuff to do tomorrow. I know giving myself the ability to drink is a slippery slope but I want to have that decision and I want it to become an automatic no because other things are more important and not just because i am white knuckling it. I don’t think thats a way to live so for now I am choosing each day whether or not to drink and every day mundane things are becoming way more important than drinking. So a good ole non alcoholic cheers to that!

XO

RM

P.S. I signed up for this website http://www.tut.com and it sends you little emails from “the universe” every day that are actually really inspirational. I got an email today that said:

Once you make up your mind and start something. Once you commit to it, say “Yes!” and never look back. Do you have any doubt that I won’t rush to your side? That legions won’t be summoned? That players won’t be drawn to help, assist, and fall in love? That connections won’t be made? Circumstances won’t be crafted? Dots won’t be connected? 
That the course of history won’t be irrevocably changed? 
Good, I didn’t think so. 
I’d say you’re ready, 
    The Universe

Unemployment

Welp I am officially unemployed and i don’t know how I feel about that. I had the plan to leave in July anyways but I had a plan to have a job lined up. I guess life happens on its own terms.

Unemployment is tricky. I have been here before (far too many times to count) Some were 100% my fault, you know showing up hungover to work or calling in 2 or 3 times a week for months because of the “flu” and some were just really bad fits, well actually they all were pretty bad fits. I am not one to sit behind a desk for hours upon hours with work assignments that I can finish in 1 hour. i just can’t find any kind of accomplishment in that kind of work. These positions always resulted in my heading to happy hour and staying up WAY too late to try to stave off the morning and another day at work.

This position was definitely not inspiring by any means but it was a very, very easy pay check. I actually felt bad getting paid sometimes for the amount of work i did but they insisted that the work would come pouring in and I would be overwhelmed so enjoy it while it lasted, and I did.

I was triggered pretty bad last night to drink but instead I took a 15 hour nap. When I say unemployment is tricky its because one part of me is so relieved to not have to go back to a position that I have no interest in and no longer having to deal with people that were so beyond full of their own bullshit but the other part of me is freaking the F out. I have not saved for anything (mainly because I had nothing left to save after bills, rent, utilities, and student loan payments so I have been scrapping by as it is. i am debating moving home early. Like tomorrow. I have nothing left here now besides an ex boyfriend and….thats about it.

i am going to try to stay positive and not drink. i think my brain is finally realizing that drinking really makes a bad situation worse.

Wish me luck.

XO

RM

Mountain Dew

Okay. I am going to try to explain this in a way that will actually make sense. I have a hard time describing things that I have going on in my head but here goes.

So I know I have had a glimpse of these thoughts before i fell off the wagon last time but this time it feels different. Like that little light that was so far away has gotten brighter.

What if it is not about drinking at all?

I was walking my dogs and I thought to myself the last time i decided to quit drinking i felt relieved like I could breath again and the last time i decided to drink again I felt a sense of calm and the same feeling of relief like I could breath again. i didnt really understand how both of these events, being completely opposite of each other could result in the same feeling. This sense of calm relief that I was finally free. The exact moment where I made the decision, to drink and to stop drinking I realized was the moment I took the power, I made a decision and I didnt have to be in this mental limbo land. I was going to do what I wanted and alcohol was no longer on the forefront of my brain even when i had decided to drink again.

I wanted to be sober so that i didn’t make any more stupid, outlandish, and uncharacteristic mistakes and also so that I could actually live and enjoy life but now i find that my days are strung together by pointless activities to keep me from drinking. Activities that I used to enjoy but are now just noise to keep me occupied throughout my days. The whole point of being sober is to stop letting alcohol control parts of my life but its has now become in control of every waking moment. i am happier this way, but my anxiety and stress levels are through the roof. Everyday I am so concerned with triggers and what if this is the one time I get drunk and I end up hurting someone. Everyday is not a chance to improve, its become a chance to royally fuck up and every night i go to sleep i am afraid of what the next day brings. Life looms over my head like a dark cloud. Alcohol has become so much bigger then it should be and I truly can’t live this way for another second.

So I have options. I can turn back, drink everyday and stop giving a damn who i hurt and how bad i feel or i can get a new insight into this sobriety thing. Obviously, I have to take the later, i can’t go back to that dark hole I was in. i have to start fixing the reason why alcohol became such a big part of my life to being with.

I started drinking heavily because I was working in a thankless, unchallenging job (emphasis on JOB) where I spent countless hours refreshing Facebook and realizing how much my life sucked compared to everyone else’s shiny perfect social media lives. I also was in a state that I knew no one. I was very much alone and as much as I liked to play the lone wolf. I hated it. i met a guy, he paid me some attention and I fell even further into that black pit in a very toxic and lack luster relationship. i also assumed his friends and made lots of fake friendships. I have felt lost and “homeless” for a very long time with only a few people that truly get me and i truly get. I have never challenged myself or expected anything better than what came around. I have to fix these things and slowly but surely alcohol will be but a memory, I truly believe that. I don’t want to be an alcoholic anymore and I don’t think this has to be a thing I suffer with anymore. I want alcohol to become another liquid, its a liquid I don’t need or want, like Mountain Dew (seriously who drinks that shit) but its just a fucking liquid that is literally a poison (just like Mountain Dew :).

This emotion frightens me and also exhilarates me. I am scared that this is my dark passenger trying to say “hey all you have to do is control it and you can drink again” but it exhilarates me because it feels like it is so much more than that.

***The plot thickens, i just received an email from my boss that has undertones of shutting my entire company down. The whole company is meeting tomorrow at 2pm. It is a startup that has been slowly circling the drain but i am not finically prepared to cut the chord. I might have a new challenge, stress of unemployment and compiling bills while staying out from under the influence of mountain dew.

i hope some of this makes sense. Its kind of jumbled but its what i have been tossing around inside my noggin.

Happy Sunday all. Have a great week without mountain dew 🙂

XO

RM

She’s back with new tricks

i wrote and saved a blog earlier for tonight but for some reason I don’t want to post it. Its kind of personal and I haven’t decided if its fair to write about people in my life without them knowing.

Anywho, I had a fairly productive day. i worked all morning until noon 🙂 and came home and packed for my move in July. I have been pretty stressed about it because i don’t have a job yet or a permanent place to live but it just feels like the right move at the right time so i am moving forward with the stress and all. I attempted to go swim this afternoon because my dark passenger came out with no warning. I think she (the dark passenger is a she) comes out during the lapse between afternoon and evening and when the caffeine high starts wearing off around 3 pm she starts pushing wine.

I was really unaware of what was happening and didnt notice it until 3 hours later. It was subtle and something she really hasn’t tried before. Usually I can feel a sudden change in my stream of thoughts but today it was more of a quiet urging. They were gentle nudges until finally I realized what she was doing and decided to get myself out of the house of 60 wine bottles and head to the pool. My attempt was futile because apparently the pool will be closed until Monday but I at least cut her off at the pass.

My friend/roommate invited me to her sisters to grill and hang out. I debated going because A. I knew there would be a few of those 60 bottles of wine there awaiting me and B. I didnt really understand this new trick my dark passenger was playing and i didnt want to jeopardize my sobriety but C. My therapist has told me that whenever someone suggests something and immediately I begin thinking of all the reasons i shouldn’t do it, to DO IT. So I went. I brought my own fancy kombucha and was only asked if I wanted wine once to which I quickly replied “I have a drink, thanks though” I had fun, hung out, talked and came home. Its kind of weird going out and being around people that are drinking, almost like a contact high. I got in my car and immediately was like am I OKAY to drive?

It felt good getting out tonight and being around people but I still feel like i need to be wary of these new tricks. i am starting to think about this whole sober thing in a new way. Not necessarily a good way or bad way but a new way that I will talk about tomorrow.

Its Saturday night and i am sober. Today was a good day.

XO

RM

Sugar: my new addiction

Its Friday. I managed to get off work, make dinner, get my haircut, grocery shop, and eat ice cream. The ice cream eating is becoming an issue. I know that when i feel good about myself, body and mind, i am usually better at controlling my drinking but the excessive amounts of sugar I am eating at night is making me feel very…blah. Not as blah as 2 bottles of wine but just overall blah. I notice that I am not sleeping as well and waking up throughout the night with horrible dreams. I also have noticed that I wake up feeling bloated and gross. I know the podcast I’m following says in early recovery not to try to over haul your whole life or try any new diets or food changes but this is just making me feel gross and overall unhealthy. Any suggestions?

I am going to stick to the podcasts advice at least tomorrow and Sunday because weekends are my biggest triggers and knowing i have ice cream at home has made the wine-less nights way easier to tolerate.

On another note, living with roommates while attempting to sober up is hard. It is hard in that one is my ex, who likes to parade his new bachelor life style in my face and one is my best friend. Living with friends and significant others seems like such a good idea, I mean all the TV shows make it look like so much fun but in all reality its the pits. One of those very dark pits arrived in the mail today, A 60 bottle wine of the month fed ex package, that is now strewn about in my pantry. We have liquor and beer all over the pantry and fridge and i am actually fine with that. I have no desire to ever drink liquor, never have and never will. This is a fact that my ex liked to throw in my face when I told him that I thought I had an issue with alcohol was that I can get wasted on wine and want more but I will never turn to liquor or beer and actually not even white wine. He said alcoholics don’t discern between types of alcohol which therefore made me not an alcoholic. I have always wondered about that. I have a taste for one and only one thing. I could drink A beer and I can drink two or three margaritas and stop but if there is wine on the menu I will quickly make a move to red wine and I can’t stop. Are there specific types of alcoholism? Are there subsets of people that abuse alcohol? it does make me feel relieved when I realize I am only fighting wine and not an entire liquor cabinet. I mean obviously I can’t drink anything because it always leads back to wine but I at least don’t have to fight ALL the liquor and beer out there.

I feel like right now I need to be nesting, ha yes, i said nesting, creating a safe cocoon for me to be in with only happy and healthy things surrounding me and NOT 60 bottles of red wine and ex boyfriends. 1 and 3/4 month left in this situation. I can do this. Maybe this is some sort of, if you can become sober in this kind of negative environment then it will be so much easier to stay sober when your in a better place kind of gift from the universe. I hope so. My stomach has officially started the nightly rumbling from all the sugar and milk. Yuck.

Good Luck everyone out there. Keep on keepin on

XO

RM