Holy hell this has been the most terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! Was that a Dr. Seuss quote? Anywho. Lets talk about me. My day actually started off pretty well to be honest. I had to work early this morning and i woke up feeling great. Although, I had a dream that there was a scorpion running around in the house and i couldn’t catch it and i was freaked out about my dogs getting attacked. i also had a dream I was eating a fish and there was a dildo in it, but I think that was a news story or something weird that I saw before bed. I am one of those miserable people that live through their dreams every single night and can remember all of it the next day. Its exhausting honestly. Whoops got sidetracked
So I had a great day at work and finished working roughly around 2pm. I had glorious plans to go workout after work but i wanted to stop at home and grab a coffee and walk the dogs before I headed to the gym. I did all that and after my walk i realized it was a beautiful day and our front yard looked pretty awful so I decided I would drink my coffee and garden. I love gardening even though its not my house and I’m just renting, i find it really cathartic to do things with my hands.
I finished gardening and went inside and started cleaning the house and BAM!!! I was hit by a ton of bricks in the form of, I want a glass (2 bottles) of wine. I have no clue if anyone who reads this watches Dexter, or if anyone reads this at all, but I have decided that this is my dark passenger. It freaking overtakes me when I least expect it and I can’t get rid of it until I give it what it wants. It was 4pm when it happened and I am still wrestling with it. i painted my nails, I took a bath, I cleaned, i packed. I did all this to get it of my mind and I am still thinking about it at 9:34 pm. I don’t know if other people that are alcoholics feel this, but it feels like an overwhelming anxiety for something you can’t fulfill. Like being so hungry but having no way of getting food, the only way you will feel better is by eating but you can’t. I feel empty and alone and sad and anxious. If someone walked in here and said “hey, I have some wine” I would attack them, steal the wine and curl up in my dark room and sob into my empty wine glass after inhaling the contents of said bottle in two swigs.
I have been feeling like a new person lately, like a stronger and happier version of myself but today I am struggling with the thought that maybe this is taking it too far, maybe i am always going to be this flawed individual with a drinking issue. I don’t want to wish days to be over anymore. Before, i was wishing that hungover days would end and now I’m trying to fill every second of every day with things to keep me from drinking and wishing that time would go by faster. The whole point of this thing called sobriety was to live in the present, to enjoy every day of my life and here i am wishing, begging that these beautiful days end and isolating myself from everything and everyone so I’m not tempted. I went from a drunken, self loathing, social outcast to a sober, lonely, resentful person with really well painted nails…
Fuckidy, fuck, fuck does a dark passenger really ever go away or is this just a human condition of having them along for the ride and learning to accept it?????????