Thank the good lord, mother nature, Allah, Yaweh and whomever else that yesterday is over. I wrote a post on Sunday but i guess i was too drunk to hit the publish button or maybe I decided to not liter this site with my grand drunken thoughts. I have no idea what I decided to do with that post you know why? Because I blacked out after two bottles of wine at 10 pm. I have no clue what I did after that.I remember having a pretty sunken talk with my roommate which consisted of me slurring some none sense and I remember (actually I didn’t remember until yesterday morning) that I decided to do the “make amends” part of AA via email to random people. Oh and I texted this guy that I have had a crush on for about 20 minutes with incoherent garbage. Pretty sure that isn’t going to go anywhere… Wow self, just WOW.
I spent the entire day yesterday in between my bed and the bathroom. I was throwing up until around 5pm yesterday when i was finally able to hold down water and some food. Everything hurt! and it was all caused by me, myself, and I. I did that purposefully to myself. I went to the store, spent $35 dollars to buy wine and coconut water for the day after and I did that knowing that i was going to be a useless disaster the next day. WTF! So much for the idea that self preservation is ingrained in all humans, Im pretty sure I am missing that genetic sequence or i have a mutation for self annihilation.
Okay, well I feel awful, I am ashamed, i am feeling bad about myself as a person and above all i am feeling defeated. I don’t know how to beat this without entering myself into rehab which isn’t really possible with money and time. When I initially talked myself into drinking, i said “self, lets treat this as a research opportunity, where I can actually observe what my alcoholic brain is thinking and feeling while i drink.” Of course this was just a way to reinforce that it was okay for me to drink, it was for science!
Although, in the beginning i did observe my brain before it shutdown and entered the blackout state. I came to the conclusion that I am lonely. I drink because I am lonely. I used to think I drank because I was trying to drown out my childhood but then i wrote my life story for my therapist and honestly nothing really happened that was really all that bad. I mean bad stuff happened but after writing it all out i realized I was giving a lot of power to nonevents that seemed much larger in my brain then when I put them to paper. I think that I believed there was a lot of stuff i needed to confront because my patterns have been to get drunk and lash out at my significant other. i never understood it because when i drink I am actually really nice to everyone and not this “mean drunk” that my bf would tell everyone i was. i think i was mean specifically to him because I was unhappy in the relationship and I was doing everything in my subconscious power to make it not work.
I have really noticed that about myself. When I drink I sabotage things, some good things but for the most part i ruin things like relationships that i want out of but I don’t have the balls to end it when I am sober. It has also given me the ability to say “well if he doesn’t want me at my worst” but really I want it to be over and I don’t know how to just cut ties and I am very averse to confrontation. I really, really, really, really, really, really want this to be the last time i drink. i can’t even stand myself at this point and I continue to tell myself its not a race self you are going to have hiccups along the way, but I don’t want anymore hiccups and I don’t want to keep giving myself this excuse.
How can i get off this merry go round for good?????