I had some more thoughts:
I have been recently feeling like i am at the precipice of something big. For example remember a time when you didnt understand something like algebra and then you start studying and there is some sort of a light going off in your head, you don’t know what exactly it means and its a really dim light but its there. I feel like I’m right on the edge of the cliff looking over and I don’t know what will happen if I jump but it would be life changing. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but it is terrifying at the same time that its exhilarating. What in the heck is she talking about? Well right when I think f–it I’m jumping my brain says hold on a minute and hands me a bottle of red wine. It almost feels like its trying to protect me by keeping me on the cliff. Maybe this is my brains way of saying “you don’t know whats down there, you can’t be sure what will happen, stay in this current stagnant pool of wine because its safe and you know what will happen, hell you’ve done it for years, you know exactly whats going to happen” Maybe this is not my brain at all but my dark passenger clinging to the edge saying go turn back, walk away, its so afraid that i will move on without it and be, i don’t know, happy. Just the other day, I felt so amazing, I was being nice to people and trying to understand their frustrations instead of vilifying them. I was enjoying just being me. i was feeling excited for the future and i was accomplishing things i didn’t think i could accomplish and with just one night, that I can’t even remember, I shit on all that. My dark passenger succeeded in taking me back into the shadows so far away from the cliff. Now I have to climb back uphill to find the cliff again and hopefully after this daunting climb I can drop kick my dark passenger and jump. Who knows maybe I will fall, but maybe I will fly and I
want need to find out.