Here we go again

I woke up this morning with a stuffed up nose, bloating, a stomach ache, cold sweats, a headache, and a general icky feeling. This is the normal not so normal way my body reacts to alcohol. Day 1 post alcohol: raging hangover, day 2 post alcohol: sloth like behavior, sadness, dread, anxiety, day 3-7 post alcohol: flu like symptoms. Why do I do this to myself??? As I get older, the post drinking painful days seem to exponentially grow in number and in intensity, and i go into it knowing that not only will i lose the one night of being blackout drunk, but 7 consecutive days that I don’t get to experience without feeling like garbage.

I have always said if I could trap the feeling I feel of my hangovers and everytime i even think about drinking i would experience a 2 second long hangover, that I would absolutely never drink again. So why is it so easy say a week later to just tell yourself “hey, that hangover wasn’t so bad, lets do it again!” after spending an entire day dry heaving over a toilet?  If anything else in this world ever made me feel that bad after eating/drinking it I would never touch the stuff again. Damn you alcohol!!! Damn you to hell!

So I have been thinking overthinking really and one thing I am not sure of is I can go 2 weeks and say no drinking, but the minute someone (like my friend i visited in Texas) said hey lets have a marg. I can’t say no. I even bargained with myself that if my sister asked me to get a marg then I would do it. i have never been one to collapse to peer pressure so why this? Why would I be so quick to throw weeks away because one friend said hey want a marg. Why? Does this have to do with confidence? Being a people pleaser? Looking cool? Giving someone what they expect from me? Why wouldn’t I just say “no thanks, i am good.” Hmmm I should figure out the underlying cause of this. I have counseling today so that would be a good thing to chat about.

Well today I will not drink.

XO

RM

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