30 days or at least it would have been if it wasn’t for that pesky bottle

Today WOULD have been 30 days. WOULD HAVE BEEN being the operative sentence here. I guess I’m not terribly disappointed that I am not sitting in my bed with a 30 day party hat on but it would have and one day it WILL be nice and that one day will be June 2. Mark it on your calendar!

I have had a lot of relief from the exercise of just saying no and not getting into a mental tennis game with my dark passenger and myself. I went by a store today to grab some vitamins, it turns out that this emotional roller coaster i have been on is due to my body ripping down the walls of my uterus right now as opposed to an kind of withdrawal. I did have that little tinge of wanting to drink while i was in the store because there was wine everywhere. I am going to have to get used to this trigger since i am moving back to my home state and wine is sold in stores and not just liquor stores. I think now when I see it in stores i am always shocked and it seems so out of the norm and all of the sudden my dark passenger whispers “how harmless can it be, its sold at grocery stores?” but instead of engaging I just mentally said No and went on my merry way. Grabbed my gummy Vite’s (I mean WHO in their right mind buys the pill form of vitamins anymore?) and headed over to the ice cream aisle and got the F out of dodge.

I used to head to Whole Foods in my college town and while i was there I would grab a few (cases) of wine, you know for the month, and they were on a great sale for each additional bottle you got so i had to get a case and its Whole Foods so its classy wine which in turn makes me classy. NOT. 2 bottles of wine in and after I went on a nonsensical rant in front of my sister or roommate I would end up crying while I attempt to open another bottle and wake up the next day in pools of my own wine vomit…Bet i looked really classy on the bathroom floor. Really classy.

One thing I am realizing is the whole “addictive personality” exists. I have questioned this for a while because I feel like saying oh well i have an addictive personality is kind of a cop out and I think that if you have an addictive personality then why don’t you become addicted to EVERYTHING and ANYTHING? Well, I can say that I have addictive patterns. I like “patterns” better. I have always been a “if 1 is good than 100 is better” kind of person. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a substance or even a harmful activity. I (along with lots of people) think more is better. If I like a certain type of exercise I will do it everyday until I hurt myself or until I get bored. I do it with coffee, if one cup makes me more productive 10 cups will be way better. i DO THAT with everything and with each of those examples they always back fire. i like an exercise and end up recuperating an injury for a month because I over did it. I drank 10 cups of coffee and now my stomach is in knots, I have an enormous migraine and I haven’t even begun to be proactive on whatever assignment i was stressed out about. Everything i do in excess to “get ahead” has always backfired.

So maybe at this point I should put the gummy vites down because 2 is recommended so 12 would obviously make me healthier or just give me neon yellow pee… Backing away from the gummies…

I guess to my point is that there is finally some clarity of how and why my addictive brain acts the way it does, but this time, instead of trying to observe and reason with it, I am going to give it no headway to get a sentence in edge way. I will abruptly just say no like a parent says to a child in the cereal aisle and i am going to begin to realize that enough is enough and more doesn’t ever equal better.

XO

RM

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2 thoughts on “30 days or at least it would have been if it wasn’t for that pesky bottle

    • Wow thank you for reading! I am learning that vulnerability and honesty is the key to sobriety, even if its scary!

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