For the longest time, really from my teens, I let people dictate who i am and how I act. I let people tell me i wasn’t good enough or pretty enough according to their standards. i spent years bleaching my hair until it was so crunchy it would stay in a ponytail without a hair tie. I carried a straightener everywhere I went even though I lived on an island and no matter how much you straighten your hair humidity wins every time. I would quickly escape into bathrooms when I got to y destination to straighten the tiniest curl because curly hair isn’t pretty. I was asked at work to “look more presentable” when i would attempt to embrace my curly hair. i was called powder in middle school, even though I am 50% Italian and darker than most people in winter but that was enough to send me to the tanning bed two to three times a day leaving irreparable sun spots all over my skin at only 28. While in college I wanted to become a lawyer to create legislation to protect animals from poaching but I was told that I wasn’t smart enough for law school and my parents didn’t want to waste money. I was also told I wasn’t good at math and science either so veterinary med school was out.
All these things i have spent 20 something years believing. Every dream and every goal I have quickly drilled out of my head because i knew I just wasn’t good enough. I have spent so much time sabotaging any and all big stepping stones in life because of these beliefs and because I knew i would fail but what if all this time all those things were just bullshit. Someone else’s insecurities thrust upon me. What if this whole time i have been living with this created version of myself that isn’t me. What if curly hair is beautiful and being white isn’t all that bad and hell what if I’m actually good at math and science and smart enough for anything i set my mind to. What if all these preconceptions of myself that have followed me for so long arent real? Who am I if i take that all away? I am nothing and no one without it. Thats scary. If I remove everything i believe about myself then I am a new person that can create THE real me built on my own conceptions of myself and who I want to be and who i am at my core.
Once you remove all of the things that you THOUGHT were true you have the ability to rebuild yourself one brick at a time. One strong ass titanium brick at a time and i am just getting started.
I AM smart enough
i AM pretty enough
I AM capable of amazing things and that includes overcoming alcohol and staying sober
I am going to take all the things I didnt believe I could do and make them my strongest assets.
Time to get to building.