She’s back with new tricks

i wrote and saved a blog earlier for tonight but for some reason I don’t want to post it. Its kind of personal and I haven’t decided if its fair to write about people in my life without them knowing.

Anywho, I had a fairly productive day. i worked all morning until noon 🙂 and came home and packed for my move in July. I have been pretty stressed about it because i don’t have a job yet or a permanent place to live but it just feels like the right move at the right time so i am moving forward with the stress and all. I attempted to go swim this afternoon because my dark passenger came out with no warning. I think she (the dark passenger is a she) comes out during the lapse between afternoon and evening and when the caffeine high starts wearing off around 3 pm she starts pushing wine.

I was really unaware of what was happening and didnt notice it until 3 hours later. It was subtle and something she really hasn’t tried before. Usually I can feel a sudden change in my stream of thoughts but today it was more of a quiet urging. They were gentle nudges until finally I realized what she was doing and decided to get myself out of the house of 60 wine bottles and head to the pool. My attempt was futile because apparently the pool will be closed until Monday but I at least cut her off at the pass.

My friend/roommate invited me to her sisters to grill and hang out. I debated going because A. I knew there would be a few of those 60 bottles of wine there awaiting me and B. I didnt really understand this new trick my dark passenger was playing and i didnt want to jeopardize my sobriety but C. My therapist has told me that whenever someone suggests something and immediately I begin thinking of all the reasons i shouldn’t do it, to DO IT. So I went. I brought my own fancy kombucha and was only asked if I wanted wine once to which I quickly replied “I have a drink, thanks though” I had fun, hung out, talked and came home. Its kind of weird going out and being around people that are drinking, almost like a contact high. I got in my car and immediately was like am I OKAY to drive?

It felt good getting out tonight and being around people but I still feel like i need to be wary of these new tricks. i am starting to think about this whole sober thing in a new way. Not necessarily a good way or bad way but a new way that I will talk about tomorrow.

Its Saturday night and i am sober. Today was a good day.

XO

RM

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