Okay. I am going to try to explain this in a way that will actually make sense. I have a hard time describing things that I have going on in my head but here goes.
So I know I have had a glimpse of these thoughts before i fell off the wagon last time but this time it feels different. Like that little light that was so far away has gotten brighter.
What if it is not about drinking at all?
I was walking my dogs and I thought to myself the last time i decided to quit drinking i felt relieved like I could breath again and the last time i decided to drink again I felt a sense of calm and the same feeling of relief like I could breath again. i didnt really understand how both of these events, being completely opposite of each other could result in the same feeling. This sense of calm relief that I was finally free. The exact moment where I made the decision, to drink and to stop drinking I realized was the moment I took the power, I made a decision and I didnt have to be in this mental limbo land. I was going to do what I wanted and alcohol was no longer on the forefront of my brain even when i had decided to drink again.
I wanted to be sober so that i didn’t make any more stupid, outlandish, and uncharacteristic mistakes and also so that I could actually live and enjoy life but now i find that my days are strung together by pointless activities to keep me from drinking. Activities that I used to enjoy but are now just noise to keep me occupied throughout my days. The whole point of being sober is to stop letting alcohol control parts of my life but its has now become in control of every waking moment. i am happier this way, but my anxiety and stress levels are through the roof. Everyday I am so concerned with triggers and what if this is the one time I get drunk and I end up hurting someone. Everyday is not a chance to improve, its become a chance to royally fuck up and every night i go to sleep i am afraid of what the next day brings. Life looms over my head like a dark cloud. Alcohol has become so much bigger then it should be and I truly can’t live this way for another second.
So I have options. I can turn back, drink everyday and stop giving a damn who i hurt and how bad i feel or i can get a new insight into this sobriety thing. Obviously, I have to take the later, i can’t go back to that dark hole I was in. i have to start fixing the reason why alcohol became such a big part of my life to being with.
I started drinking heavily because I was working in a thankless, unchallenging job (emphasis on JOB) where I spent countless hours refreshing Facebook and realizing how much my life sucked compared to everyone else’s shiny perfect social media lives. I also was in a state that I knew no one. I was very much alone and as much as I liked to play the lone wolf. I hated it. i met a guy, he paid me some attention and I fell even further into that black pit in a very toxic and lack luster relationship. i also assumed his friends and made lots of fake friendships. I have felt lost and “homeless” for a very long time with only a few people that truly get me and i truly get. I have never challenged myself or expected anything better than what came around. I have to fix these things and slowly but surely alcohol will be but a memory, I truly believe that. I don’t want to be an alcoholic anymore and I don’t think this has to be a thing I suffer with anymore. I want alcohol to become another liquid, its a liquid I don’t need or want, like Mountain Dew (seriously who drinks that shit) but its just a fucking liquid that is literally a poison (just like Mountain Dew :).
This emotion frightens me and also exhilarates me. I am scared that this is my dark passenger trying to say “hey all you have to do is control it and you can drink again” but it exhilarates me because it feels like it is so much more than that.
***The plot thickens, i just received an email from my boss that has undertones of shutting my entire company down. The whole company is meeting tomorrow at 2pm. It is a startup that has been slowly circling the drain but i am not finically prepared to cut the chord. I might have a new challenge, stress of unemployment and compiling bills while staying out from under the influence of mountain dew.
i hope some of this makes sense. Its kind of jumbled but its what i have been tossing around inside my noggin.
Happy Sunday all. Have a great week without mountain dew 🙂