Yesterday was interesting and I went through a range of emotions.
I first felt sadness and a sense of loss about my current living situation and the (very soon) giant move away from everything I have known for 5 years. It is also really hard to leave a relationship of 5 years and even though i know we aren’t good for each other, there is a deep sadness on a human level of parting ways and knowing that there is a very real possibility you will never see them again.
I also felt this huge relief of starting over. i know many of you, as substance abusers, know all too well the attempts to move away from yourself. I have been concerned that this was yet another, move to another state, to escape ME, but when I delve into my reasonings this is a very different situation than it was before and i am going home because it is what I feel i need to do.
I also felt pure and utter joy yesterday, I am getting a chance to start over. I have faced my demons and whether or not I slip again with drinking i know i will quickly dust myself off and get back up. That life i had before was no life at all and with all the work I have put in and am continually putting into becoming fully self aware that deep dark hole I climbed out of almost 6 months ago has been mostly filled in and there is a ladder awaiting me if i ever need it.
I am actively working on becoming more vulnerable and opening up to people and I have not received ANY of the negative responses I have always been fearing, if anything it has made me closer to people I really care about (who knew right?).
Yesterday I told myself “you can drink if you want” mainly because I feel suffocated with authority even when its myself and having the leash lengthened made me say well I can but i don’t want to so moving on, and that was that. I have learned so much from therapy and the one main thing that I can say I have taken away was that other things in life HAVE TO become more important than alcohol or I will never have a reason to quit. I felt my brain shift yesterday, I mentally said, nah not today, I have stuff to do tomorrow. I know giving myself the ability to drink is a slippery slope but I want to have that decision and I want it to become an automatic no because other things are more important and not just because i am white knuckling it. I don’t think thats a way to live so for now I am choosing each day whether or not to drink and every day mundane things are becoming way more important than drinking. So a good ole non alcoholic cheers to that!
P.S. I signed up for this website http://www.tut.com and it sends you little emails from “the universe” every day that are actually really inspirational. I got an email today that said:
Once you make up your mind and start something. Once you commit to it, say “Yes!” and never look back. Do you have any doubt that I won’t rush to your side? That legions won’t be summoned? That players won’t be drawn to help, assist, and fall in love? That connections won’t be made? Circumstances won’t be crafted? Dots won’t be connected?
That the course of history won’t be irrevocably changed?
Good, I didn’t think so.
I’d say you’re ready,