Why?!?

First off please send positive vibes to Texas, we are having crazy storms and there are so many people that have lost everything including loved ones. Please pray, meditate, chant, say a quick word to the universe or whatever you believe in for these people.

I am still in Texas enjoying every minute of it. My sister is 7 months pregnant so i am not having any urges or problems with drinking. She had her baby shower on Saturday and I am so proud to say that I stayed sober even though i was being literally harassed about not drinking.

First, I get to the shower and they pour me some weird cocktail with wine and some raspberry marinade and some other fruity stuff. I just set with it and grabbed a water. I had no desire to drink it manly because mixed drinks are not my thing, at all and i really wanted to experience the shower without the cloud of alcohol (weird new feeling). Post shower we meet at my sisters boyfriends families house for a BBQ and I was literally asked over 100 times if I wanted a drink and when I said no thank you they would just offer me a different kind of alcohol. Want a beer? Oh well I have wine…no, well lets take tequila shots…still no, well we have some whiskey… I SAID NO THANKS F*@$!!!! It was really frustrating and I felt like I needed an excuse. Oh I am on antibiotics so I can’t have a drink…Hopefully one day this stops happening. I know people are just trying to be friendly and it was the first time meeting his family and I am sure they have heard about how much of an alcoholic I am from their son but it was just so frustrating. Sigh, take a deep breath

Anywho, we drove from the shower to my hometown. I HATE GOING HOME, but this time was different. I saw the shack that I was raised in and my aging parents in a less annoying light and just went with it and guess what?? I had fun! I absolutely love my parents, they have given me anything and everything i ever needed and i can finally step out of my personal embarrassment and annoyance with the hoarding and the repetitive delusional stories and the drunken conversations and realize that they are who they are and they are struggling with something too, because low and behold they were actually people before they became parents and they are not their mistakes and who am i to judge them.

Normally at home I get wasted on shitty wine with my dad and talk shit about my mom and how shitty my life is and then wake up around noon sweating profusely and stepping over trash and roaches to get to the bathroom to throw up all while damning my hometown and wishing I was somewhere else. This trip involved no alcohol, I took my mom to dinner, chatted with my parents after dinner, went to bed around 10 pm, woke up and went to a local cross fit gym to do a memorial day workout, rode beach cruisers with my mom to lunch and headed out of town. I actually put off leaving because I was enjoying their company. I am BEYOND shocked at my change in attitude with only a month of sobriety, imagine what kind of changes I will make in a year?!?!?

I am so happy and every time I think about drinking there is a quick and resounding “why?” that shuts it down immediately.

Why would I give up feeling so good to feel like utter garbage? Why?

XO

RM