I am not pissed anymore

Do you know what has changed for me since quitting drinking. Sleeping. I have had slip ups and fall downs since beginning this journey but overall my drinking has severely declined in occurrences and severity. I quite literally used to drink two bottles of wine EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Who lives like that? It sounds so insane to me now but that kind of alcohol abuse happened for about, oh the whole of my twenties, yikes. People have asked me whats the biggest change since cutting down on drinking and attempting to quit and it was hard for me to pinpoint anything. One of the trickiest parts of alcohol is that the effects and horrible hangovers and lethargy dissipates and even though my brain won’t let go of the wrongs that were done to me 20 years ago, it quickly forgets the devastation alcohol reaps on my body and mind.

I have not had this amazing influx of energy, I am actually almost 100 percent certain i have a thyroid disorder and the first act of business when I land a job and health insurance is going to get that checked. (my mother had thyroid cancer so I’m not a total hypochondriac). I also have not had this amazing change in my attitude and demeanor, i am still very sarcastic and suffer from having a bitchy resting face. I haven’t lost weight, if anything I have gained weight because i no longer drink my calories and spend the next day shunning food for fear of vomiting. I am not in amazing shape, I no longer feel forced to visit the gym to sweat out the alcohol. I haven’t had this miraculous turnaround, but the biggest and most life altering change that I have seen is I am not afraid to go to sleep anymore.

I used to live in this cycle, everyday. I would get up, hungover, head to a shitty job, usually 30 minutes late because I HAD to stop at a coffee shop for a 6 shot americano to get me through the day. After sitting at a desk for 8 hours refreshing Facebook I would head to the gym, workout, and feel a semblance of myself after sweating out the alcohol, then I would either head to “dinner” AKA liquid dinner, making sure we went somewhere with a good wine happy hour and spend about $60 a night on “dinner” or head to a liquor store to pick up my wine ($40) and head home to cook food that I would spend a fortune on and get wasted on wine while waiting for my ex to come home. All the while getting more and more upset because i spent so much money and time buying fillet mignon or making homemade pasta and I was spending yet another night eating/drinking alone until he decided to head home from the bar with his friends. I would spend the rest of the evening pissed and sometimes I would walk to the liquor store, which was conveniently located down the street, and get another bottle until I passed out.

This cycle took place almost everyday for the entirety of our relationship (5 years) and really long before that. What was driving me? Loneliness and the attempt to put off another day. I very specifically remember HATING going to bed many times forcing myself to stay up even when my body said just go to bed. I remember sometimes wishing I wouldn’t wake up, not because I was suicidal, but because my life had become so utterly boring and mundane and I hated every part of my day until I could drink again. I woke up pissed, I worked pissed, I worked out pissed and then, finally, I wasn’t pissed anymore when I opened that first bottle, I was relieved and I looked forward to that numb feeling that would take hold of me after the first bottle, then slowly i would get pissed at my ex and even more pissed that i had to wake up and do it all again. Drinking was never fun, it was a cycle of pissiness.

I have finally reached a point where i realize I am tired and low and behold, I GO TO BED. I don’t dread the next day, I welcome it. I don’t fear the next days hangovers or feelings of self hatred. I go to sleep actually looking forward to making the next day better then today. I am elated to wake up and have my morning coffee and get started with my day. I am not pissed anymore. That has been the biggest change. I am not pissed anymore and I don’t fear sleep.

XO

RM

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Ups & Downs

I have had some ups and downs this week. i am finally, FINALLY relocated to Texas and as lonely as it is, since I really don’t know anyone here other than my sister, I feel a sense of relief. After me and the ex had some fun (AKA blackout drunken) times I started having those feelings of maybe this CAN work between us, but after this week and finally being away I know that being with him was so toxic. We were going to “try” to be friends and be civil. He was texting me most the day I was driving and after that night he has ignored me. I am not sure if he is mad at me for something or busy or whatever but I just have no interest in playing this game anymore. This was basically our relationship. Drink, party, sex, fight, ignore each other for a few weeks and repeat. I just honestly won’t bring that energy here with me, its time to grow up and now that I am not in the middle of the garbage I can finally just ignore it. He was such a black hole for my emotions and energy. The only issue is he has my dog while I look for an apartment, but luckily i have his mom to give me updates.

I had a final interview yesterday with two hiring managers and just really felt bad about how it went. I am very self aware of the fact that I am embellishing my past work history and it really trips me up in interviews, I try to over explain and end up rambling. I know I can do the job, if not excel at the job, but my random work history is just a crappy show of my skills. I basically accepted any and all job positions for money to live on and those kind of gigs really never work out.

I left feeling defeated and embarrassed as well as like a fraud. I feel so far behind in life being 28 and just now trying to start a career. I spent the entirety of my 20’s chasing guys that were really uninterested in me and being drunk. I have nothing to show for it other than a lot of cellulite and huge credit card balances. It also feels really defeating to be in a house (I am currently living with my sister) with my sisters boyfriend, who HATES ME. He pretty much hates anything that makes my sister happy and gives her something to do outside of activities with him. So yeah he treats me like garbage when I am around and has already told his family they can stay in the room I am in when they come visit, leaving me pretty much homeless. Its hard because on one hand I feel like he is justified, like who wants a freeloading family member living with them but my end goal is not to sit around and drink and live off them, its to get a job, start school again, and move the fuck out of here.

On the positive side, I joined a gym here and signed up for temp work so hopefully things start looking up. I am feeling depressed but all in all it is really pushing me not to drink so that I can get out of this funk soon. I know that all this is for the better and will end up being alright so there is no point in drowning it with alcohol I just have to go through it.

XO

RM

Shame on me

Whats that saying? Fool me once shame on you…fool me twice shame on me? Well whatever that saying is, it applies to me. I was supposed to be in Texas now, well for the past 5 days…I was supposed to leave Monday and had everything packed up and ready to go.

I got a text from my current roommate/ex boyfriend that if I didnt have to leave Monday for anything specific than he would love it if I would stay so we could take the dogs to the mountains and just spend some time together. Hook, line, and sinker…I decided to stay until Wednesday and then Wednesday came and so did tropical storm Bill so my tentative new date was Friday after everything passed through Texas.

I have officially spent the past week helping him move, carrying heavy shit, and sweating my ass off and in the evenings he always has something he HAS to go do, but he has a “real job” so I wouldnt understand. Oh and we have not taken that hike yet either. So in all reality I just stepped back into my old role of being used as his maid and thrown away…i also have fallen back into drinking to numb these feelings of inadequacy.

I drank too much with him on Wednesday, you know, because drinking is the only thing we ever had in common and drinking with him will make him want to hang out with me right (how pathetic)? Per usual I wanted to DIE until just now from the hangover. Tonight is my last night and i AM LEAVING TOMORROW and I am sitting alone on a mattress pad in the empty house feeling sorry for myself. How do I keep getting back here? Utter self loathing and sadness. I have been so excited about moving and being close to my sister and family and starting over as a healthy sober individual with real life goals and now I am sitting here trying not to cry…What gives, oh yeah alcohol, low self esteem and someone in your life that fucking sucks. SHAME ON ME.

XO

RM

Rainbows, Sunshine, and Blue Skies

I have had a pretty busy (and sober) weekend. I started the weekend in a pretty low and dismal mood. I try not to be disappointed in myself for drinking but I think my brain chemistry is all f%$^&d up and I get a little depressed, just another wonderful side effect of drinking. I went running Thursday and every step felt awful, even though I drank on Tuesday the lasting effects take so long to clear from my body. I can FEEL the semblance of a hangover for a week, its not as awful as the day after, but the stomach distress, clamminess, night sweats, depression, dryness, and over all flu like symptoms last for a week. I was sweating my a$@ off during my run, so I kept going, kind of punishing myself and trying to sweat as much beer out as possible. Friday came around and low and behold I received a note from The Universe (literally its an email subscription at tut.com) it read:

Behold, a new day… with rainbows, sunshine, and blue skies. New players, rebounds, and recoveries. Abundance, health, and harmony. Just like you’ve been picturing them, right? 

Right?! 

Please tell me you’ve been picturing them!! 

It takes so little, 
    The Universe

I took that morning and sat with this, I know its a silly email chain where everyone in the world probably received this message Friday, but I like to picture The Universe speaking directly to me. I decided to stop dwelling and start picturing life and successes. I visualized myself going in to the office of the company I have been applying for and completing orientation for the position I want, I visualized crossing the finish line at the Ironman sprint I had coming up, and i visualized a time in space where I no longer struggled with drinking, it just wasn’t my thing anymore.

I received a call from the company that afternoon that they have an open position and I would be perfect for it. I completed my Ironman Sprint in under 2 hours on Saturday and decided to sign up for an Ironman 70.3 in April. I also decided that if I drink again, it won’t ruin my day or week. I don’t want to drink again, but if it happens I will not punish myself, criticize myself, or diminish my self worth. It will be a non-event and I will learn from it, its time to take the power away from alcohol and see it as it is. A drink that is poison to my body. The end.

Thanks, Universe!

RM

The 30 day itch

So drinking is still dumb and I am still very, very bad at it.

I am going to call this my 30 day itch. I get to 30 days with ease and then the 30 day itch hits me. “I obviously don’t have a drinking problem”, “I will just have a few and see how it feels” I then proceed to drink socially and I prove to my drunken self that I can be successful at drinking casually by having a few beers and stopping, then I decide I will attempt to ease back in it, cause why not, I am an adult and allowed to drink if I want to.

Last night we were having a going away party with my close friends. I DECIDED early on that day that I would drink and it would be like old times (even though old times involved be getting wasted, sleeping with my ex, and feeling like shit the next day, sounds like fun, right?)

I realized I was having the “old” mental dialogue early in the day. I was prepping the meat for grilling and cleaning the house and all I could think about was when can I have my first drink. I felt giddy driving to the liquor store continuously telling myself that i was just really excited to try the new Shiner prickly pear summer beer which is such bullshit since I don’t even like beer. Of course I grab a 24 pack not just the 6 pack so I can make sure everyone can enjoy it (and by everyone I mean making sure I had enough alcohol to get me nice and wasted) I had an entire conversation reassuring myself in the car “you have control over this, you will drink and have fun and live like a 28 year old should instead of this life like a mormon.”

Well I drank and I divulged the fact that I had a threesome with my ex’s business partner and his wife (which honestly I wanted to tell him anyways but I didnt ever have the guts) We fought, even though we were broken up at the time he obviously and rightly feels betrayed and now I am feeling like garbage and questioning myself.

I know its just another stumble on my road and I know that I am going to brush myself off and get another 30 days under my belt, but I have to figure out a way to get past the 30 day itch this time around.

XO

RM

I decided to drink

I went to a BBQ yesterday with my ex, long story short, they are kind of mutual friends and the ex and I are trying to be friends plus I am leaving the state in 7 days for good so I just don’t have the energy to hate him/care anymore and I actually enjoy his company, imagine that.

Anywho, the pressure was on as soon as I arrived to the party, not because they are all a bunch of ragers, mainly because I think the host just wanted everyone to feel comfortable and make sure we were all well hydrated. I was debating on how this was going to go down the whole car ride there and honestly, I was so sick of thinking about it when we got there. I was on day 36 and really had very little to no cravings. This is also my 5th time at day 36 so I am pretty sure I have reached a point of just not having the same cravings as I did initially during the first month sober. I went about 30 minutes before I realized I was going to spend the entire party thinking about not drinking, being jealous of the drinkers, feeling awkward and uncomfortable so I just said fuck it. I told myself you will not get drunk and I didnt at all, I didnt even get a buzz.

I had four light beers over the course of 5 hours and waters in between mainly cause it was hot outside but I can’t say I felt anything from the beer other than more comfortable being around people and after the 4th one I was tired and full and just wanted to go to bed. I also didnt have any sudden desire to switch that buzz to full on blackout mode like i normally do after 3 drinks and on the way home I wasn’t wishing that we would happen to get a flat in front of a liquor store so I could load up on wine like I normally do. I kind of am upset at myself but I woke up this morning feeling fine, other than bloated from the wheat in the beer, and I went for a 3 mile run to flush my system.

During my run I though a lot about it, I don’t listen to music on runs so that I can purposefully mull over my thoughts:

1. I am very scared that this lapse in sobriety and the seemingly successful evening of drinking will result in falling back into my drinking every night routine.

2. I felt differently drinking this time because in my mind I was no longer looking at the drink and fretting about getting it down as fast as possible so I could get the next one I was more or less enjoying it and taking my time. I was also not trying to drink away the awkwardness or some kind of loneliness, it was just a beverage for me.

3. What was my reasoning behind drinking? I have been doing so well and feeling so great, why would I test the waters? What made this time different and “successful”?

I think I have to emphasize number one and figure out what to do about it. I can honestly say that my drinking brain light has been switched on and I found myself looking at pinterest summer drinks and googling where I can find the new summer shiner beer this morning. Sometimes, I can’t decide if full on cutting things out of your life is good, because when you get it it all the sudden becomes a treat that you want all the time.

I want to feel that experience again of just being and existing and enjoying and not having to think about not drinking constantly or that I might slip up but I don’t want to head down that drunken hole that I have worked so hard to get out of 😦

XO

RM

Expectations vs. Reality

I wanted to write about expectations vs reality for a while here, I just wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted to say or how best to get my thoughts out so y’all don’t read it and say “is she drunk again?!?”

So stick with me here…

Have you ever turned on the hot water and when you stick your hand in the water you immediately feel the burn of the scolding water and pull your hand out?…but then your frontal lobe kicks in and is like, hey dumby, you are at someone else’s house and they have some backwards ass water faucet and you turned on the cold water…but for that split second when you thought it was scolding, it actually felt, in every cell of your body, like it was hot?

Maybe this scenario has happened to you, like it has me, or maybe you have experienced something else like when you are going to sleep and suddenly your body jerks because you decide to fall down imaginary stairs? It feels so real and you react to it just like its happening. Until the common sensical lobe of your noggin tells you otherwise, the fall is reality to you. These kinds of events make me think way too much about our mind body connection. How, excuse my language, fucking amazingly powerful your mind is that it can override your sensory nervous system until it decides for itself what is real or otherwise?

This makes me also realize how important it is to get yo mind right when you decide to make life long changes! When I first started on this new life path (I would call it a sober path, but it is so much more than sobriety now) I had a lot of mental noise going on, a constant and always negative dialogue replaying in my brain 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I expected shit to happen to me. I expected to fail at anything I tried, including sobriety. I expected that I would always have a crappy job and barely enough money to survive. i expected that I would always have to be supported by someone. I expected that i would be unhappy and alone for my life. All of my inner expectations turned into my outward reality.

I am not one to meditate, I tried it for all of two days and hated every minute of it. I am not one to sit still and have recently realized my meditation happens when I swim. I have also coupled this with waking up everyday and telling myself its going to be a great day even when my head is foggy from allergies or I couldn’t sleep too well. It is going to be a great day even if I am unemployed and I have no idea how I will pay for anything next month. It is going to be a great fucking day because I’m sober and I am happy and I am alive and healthy and now I can finally be thankful that my mind controls my reality.

I am a big fat liar

Lies, Lies, and more Liiiieeesss…

I am starting to realize that almost all the things that people know about me are lies, or at least over exaggerations of the truth. For example, i signed up for triathlon swim in college. I signed up all four years of school and it was really grueling. 6 am classes M,W,F for a few miles and some sprint work, but no meets or swim team pics or old swim buddies. I tell people I swam in college and tell myself that I don’t feel like explaining the whole swim triathlon class thing so I let people think I swam FOR my college. In all reality I started believing my lie, i even looked up competition strokes and made up an answer for when I was asked what was your stroke? Lets be very clear, the only thing i was passionate about in college was bars, drinking, and guys, that left very little time to dedicate to growing as a person or dedicating time to a team.

I am a great swimmer and was on lots of swim teams growing up but telling people I played collegiate level sports gave me an initial high when they seemed so impressed but after walking away, i just felt like a loser and a sham.

I have done this with so many things: like i used to have people drop me off at a really nice house in an accompanying neighborhood only to have to walk all the way home in the dark. I overextended credit cards to buy nice clothes and purses so people would think I was wealthy, only to ask for an extension on rent or bills. i lied about relationships that fell a part so I could be the victim. I lied when I would pretend not to care about goals so no one would ever see my vulnerability. i lied about missing work, appointments, and family functions so i could stay home and get shit faced alone. I lied my whole life all to make myself feel better but it only ever made me feel like, well a liar, and it always kept me on edge that one day someone might see through it and call me on my shit.

And honestly who would give two shits about where I came from or if I was the one to ruin a relationship or if I swam on a collegiate level team or not and if those people did judge me for that, then they obviously are not people i should keep in my life.

I still catch myself lying because it has become so ingrained and an automatic reply to the simplest things but I am conscientiously trying to be my true self and stop being such a liar. Taking the mask of alcohol away has given me a chance to really look at myself and finally appreciate all the good things as well as the seemingly bad parts of ME and really there arent any bad parts.

XO

RM

NOW MOVE ALONG!

I am going to basically pat myself on the back in this post. I think the saying about snowballs rolling down a hill and getting bigger or something is happening to me. I am so freaking PROUD of myself I can’t even figure out if I’m the same person.

I went to dinner with my sister and her coworkers who are in town for work, we went to this really fancy place and of course luck would have it, we have to wait for a table but we are welcome to sit at the bar and wait and of course if you read my post about Texans, they all were ready to start drinking! This is an ENORMOUS trigger for me, not the sitting at the bar part but the fancy restaurant that has wine with an accompanying sommelier. Wine has always been my drug of choice. I suddenly felt so flushed and nervous and stressed out and angry. WHYYYYYY MEE?!? I have always viewed wine as being “upscale” and adding value and social prestige to my persona. Look at that girl, she is so fancy with her fancy clothes and fancy wines, she MUST live a life of luxury. I have also always equated wine with class and romance and all the very things I have never thought I was or had. I mulled over the drink menu and low and behold there was a no alcohol section. I quickly ordered when the bartender approached me, CHAMOMILE GINGER SODA PLEASE!, NOW MOVE ALONG! After I ordered the feeling passed and I didnt think twice about wine again, well a few times when I walked to the bathroom but the intense stress of it all had passed and I enjoyed myself as well as an amazing dish I wouldnt have been able to afford had I bought a $15 glass (or 4) of wine.

I drove home feeling elated. I actually cried on my way home because I was so happy that I didnt give up 28 days all for the inevitable pounding of wine, HUGE dinner bill, and most likely being inappropriate in front of my sisters coworkers. I woke up today and decided if I can do that I can go swim a mile, which I haven’t done since college, and I DID IT in 32:00 minutes.

If anyone else who reads this is struggling or has fallen, just get back on and start again! There is only failure when you give up. The beginning was tough, like the hardest thing i have ever done, but once I started getting traction it has slowly become easier and easier. My snowball of positive things in life went from the size of an acorn to a basketball and will just keep growing as long as I let it keep rolling.

***Tomorrow will be 30 days***

XO

RM

I am still pissed about my Disney movie collections

So I made it past the worst of my days. I really wish i could wipe Sundays off the map, but I’m sure I would quickly replace it with another day so for now, Sundays will stay.

I have read a few articles and spoke to my therapist about this and although it seems self explanatory, it really isn’t the most obvious plan of action. Finding a mentor. In AA this would probably be a sponsor, but since I am going the not so traditional route, I am calling it my mentor.

I think some of the things that keep us alcohol abusers on that shitty ferris wheel is that there arent options, or at least we can’t see the options through all the shit we have buried ourselves under. I have always been a drunk so I don’t know any other way to live and I sure as hell have never visualized myself as anything but a drunk loser that can’t keep a job or hold onto money or make sound decisions. Finding someone that you look up to and has all the things in life you want is supposed to help manage the small steps to finally realize the larger than life goals.

I thought about this for a while, who should I pick..an actress whom I think has it all together? Some executive from shark tank? Maybe an elected official…All good candidates but in all reality what the heck do I know about their struggles to get where they are, HELL, they could be a raging alcoholic. I needed someone to identify with and that I could say hey, this is how they exist at a party or a get together or a work function, this is how I can exist in the world without alcohol.

While I was in Texas I was still thinking and I was emailing my sister about how nervous I was for the interviews and she gave me some advice “be calm, collected, and confident” “ask for more money than you have ever thought possible” “don’t play down your jobs, you have had so much experience in so many different fields and you have succeeded at all of them until you are no longer challenged”.

That was it! My mentor was my childhood tormentor, the girl who chopped all my barbies hair off, who sold all my disney movies on Ebay, who excelled at all sports and was in every advanced class in school, who I followed to college, who I always looked up to for growing up in the same circumstances as me but making those challenges add to her story, not become it. She is the most successful person I know and guess what I have a direct line and get to chat with her everyday!

Not everyone is so lucky to have someone like this so readily available, but if you are struggling with finding a path without alcohol and finding a way to regain self esteem, find that one person that you can’t stand to disappoint and latch on!

I will not follow every step she takes but when I need advice or reassurance I know I have someone just a phone call away…Now, letting her know about my decision to stop drinking is next on the list. (The whole fear of disappointing someone I never want to disappoint is hard).

Next post, figuring out why I still think that quitting drinking will disappoint someone?!? What kind of dumbass thinking is that!

Happy Monday Everybody

XO

RM