Lies, Lies, and more Liiiieeesss…
I am starting to realize that almost all the things that people know about me are lies, or at least over exaggerations of the truth. For example, i signed up for triathlon swim in college. I signed up all four years of school and it was really grueling. 6 am classes M,W,F for a few miles and some sprint work, but no meets or swim team pics or old swim buddies. I tell people I swam in college and tell myself that I don’t feel like explaining the whole swim triathlon class thing so I let people think I swam FOR my college. In all reality I started believing my lie, i even looked up competition strokes and made up an answer for when I was asked what was your stroke? Lets be very clear, the only thing i was passionate about in college was bars, drinking, and guys, that left very little time to dedicate to growing as a person or dedicating time to a team.
I am a great swimmer and was on lots of swim teams growing up but telling people I played collegiate level sports gave me an initial high when they seemed so impressed but after walking away, i just felt like a loser and a sham.
I have done this with so many things: like i used to have people drop me off at a really nice house in an accompanying neighborhood only to have to walk all the way home in the dark. I overextended credit cards to buy nice clothes and purses so people would think I was wealthy, only to ask for an extension on rent or bills. i lied about relationships that fell a part so I could be the victim. I lied when I would pretend not to care about goals so no one would ever see my vulnerability. i lied about missing work, appointments, and family functions so i could stay home and get shit faced alone. I lied my whole life all to make myself feel better but it only ever made me feel like, well a liar, and it always kept me on edge that one day someone might see through it and call me on my shit.
And honestly who would give two shits about where I came from or if I was the one to ruin a relationship or if I swam on a collegiate level team or not and if those people did judge me for that, then they obviously are not people i should keep in my life.
I still catch myself lying because it has become so ingrained and an automatic reply to the simplest things but I am conscientiously trying to be my true self and stop being such a liar. Taking the mask of alcohol away has given me a chance to really look at myself and finally appreciate all the good things as well as the seemingly bad parts of ME and really there arent any bad parts.