I am a big fat liar

Lies, Lies, and more Liiiieeesss…

I am starting to realize that almost all the things that people know about me are lies, or at least over exaggerations of the truth. For example, i signed up for triathlon swim in college. I signed up all four years of school and it was really grueling. 6 am classes M,W,F for a few miles and some sprint work, but no meets or swim team pics or old swim buddies. I tell people I swam in college and tell myself that I don’t feel like explaining the whole swim triathlon class thing so I let people think I swam FOR my college. In all reality I started believing my lie, i even looked up competition strokes and made up an answer for when I was asked what was your stroke? Lets be very clear, the only thing i was passionate about in college was bars, drinking, and guys, that left very little time to dedicate to growing as a person or dedicating time to a team.

I am a great swimmer and was on lots of swim teams growing up but telling people I played collegiate level sports gave me an initial high when they seemed so impressed but after walking away, i just felt like a loser and a sham.

I have done this with so many things: like i used to have people drop me off at a really nice house in an accompanying neighborhood only to have to walk all the way home in the dark. I overextended credit cards to buy nice clothes and purses so people would think I was wealthy, only to ask for an extension on rent or bills. i lied about relationships that fell a part so I could be the victim. I lied when I would pretend not to care about goals so no one would ever see my vulnerability. i lied about missing work, appointments, and family functions so i could stay home and get shit faced alone. I lied my whole life all to make myself feel better but it only ever made me feel like, well a liar, and it always kept me on edge that one day someone might see through it and call me on my shit.

And honestly who would give two shits about where I came from or if I was the one to ruin a relationship or if I swam on a collegiate level team or not and if those people did judge me for that, then they obviously are not people i should keep in my life.

I still catch myself lying because it has become so ingrained and an automatic reply to the simplest things but I am conscientiously trying to be my true self and stop being such a liar. Taking the mask of alcohol away has given me a chance to really look at myself and finally appreciate all the good things as well as the seemingly bad parts of ME and really there arent any bad parts.

XO

RM

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2 thoughts on “I am a big fat liar

  1. Ah. I totally relate. I lied all the time too. It was crazy. Sometimes I didn’t even know why. Well I do now. The lies sounded much better than my actual life back than. Now in sobriety I actually have no need to lie and that’s pretty cool. I am sure this will happen to you too.
    Thanks for the great post. Hugs.

  2. It is such a weird feeling to finally be okay with what you have always perceived as your short comings when in fact no one really cares! I only have 30 days under my belt but it is such a great relief to just talk to people and listen and not try to calculate what I will say next to puff my chest out so they can’t see the real me. Thank you for reading it! It is so encouraging to know someone out there has or is going through the same stuff!
    XO and hugs back!

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