I went to a BBQ yesterday with my ex, long story short, they are kind of mutual friends and the ex and I are trying to be friends plus I am leaving the state in 7 days for good so I just don’t have the energy to hate him/care anymore and I actually enjoy his company, imagine that.
Anywho, the pressure was on as soon as I arrived to the party, not because they are all a bunch of ragers, mainly because I think the host just wanted everyone to feel comfortable and make sure we were all well hydrated. I was debating on how this was going to go down the whole car ride there and honestly, I was so sick of thinking about it when we got there. I was on day 36 and really had very little to no cravings. This is also my 5th time at day 36 so I am pretty sure I have reached a point of just not having the same cravings as I did initially during the first month sober. I went about 30 minutes before I realized I was going to spend the entire party thinking about not drinking, being jealous of the drinkers, feeling awkward and uncomfortable so I just said fuck it. I told myself you will not get drunk and I didnt at all, I didnt even get a buzz.
I had four light beers over the course of 5 hours and waters in between mainly cause it was hot outside but I can’t say I felt anything from the beer other than more comfortable being around people and after the 4th one I was tired and full and just wanted to go to bed. I also didnt have any sudden desire to switch that buzz to full on blackout mode like i normally do after 3 drinks and on the way home I wasn’t wishing that we would happen to get a flat in front of a liquor store so I could load up on wine like I normally do. I kind of am upset at myself but I woke up this morning feeling fine, other than bloated from the wheat in the beer, and I went for a 3 mile run to flush my system.
During my run I though a lot about it, I don’t listen to music on runs so that I can purposefully mull over my thoughts:
1. I am very scared that this lapse in sobriety and the seemingly successful evening of drinking will result in falling back into my drinking every night routine.
2. I felt differently drinking this time because in my mind I was no longer looking at the drink and fretting about getting it down as fast as possible so I could get the next one I was more or less enjoying it and taking my time. I was also not trying to drink away the awkwardness or some kind of loneliness, it was just a beverage for me.
3. What was my reasoning behind drinking? I have been doing so well and feeling so great, why would I test the waters? What made this time different and “successful”?
I think I have to emphasize number one and figure out what to do about it. I can honestly say that my drinking brain light has been switched on and I found myself looking at pinterest summer drinks and googling where I can find the new summer shiner beer this morning. Sometimes, I can’t decide if full on cutting things out of your life is good, because when you get it it all the sudden becomes a treat that you want all the time.
I want to feel that experience again of just being and existing and enjoying and not having to think about not drinking constantly or that I might slip up but I don’t want to head down that drunken hole that I have worked so hard to get out of 😦