The 30 day itch

So drinking is still dumb and I am still very, very bad at it.

I am going to call this my 30 day itch. I get to 30 days with ease and then the 30 day itch hits me. “I obviously don’t have a drinking problem”, “I will just have a few and see how it feels” I then proceed to drink socially and I prove to my drunken self that I can be successful at drinking casually by having a few beers and stopping, then I decide I will attempt to ease back in it, cause why not, I am an adult and allowed to drink if I want to.

Last night we were having a going away party with my close friends. I DECIDED early on that day that I would drink and it would be like old times (even though old times involved be getting wasted, sleeping with my ex, and feeling like shit the next day, sounds like fun, right?)

I realized I was having the “old” mental dialogue early in the day. I was prepping the meat for grilling and cleaning the house and all I could think about was when can I have my first drink. I felt giddy driving to the liquor store continuously telling myself that i was just really excited to try the new Shiner prickly pear summer beer which is such bullshit since I don’t even like beer. Of course I grab a 24 pack not just the 6 pack so I can make sure everyone can enjoy it (and by everyone I mean making sure I had enough alcohol to get me nice and wasted) I had an entire conversation reassuring myself in the car “you have control over this, you will drink and have fun and live like a 28 year old should instead of this life like a mormon.”

Well I drank and I divulged the fact that I had a threesome with my ex’s business partner and his wife (which honestly I wanted to tell him anyways but I didnt ever have the guts) We fought, even though we were broken up at the time he obviously and rightly feels betrayed and now I am feeling like garbage and questioning myself.

I know its just another stumble on my road and I know that I am going to brush myself off and get another 30 days under my belt, but I have to figure out a way to get past the 30 day itch this time around.




One thought on “The 30 day itch

  1. Yep. Been there. Had many starts. Just remember this “great” night brought to you by your so very adult drinking, and next time when you start feeling like you can drink again, remember it.

    This technique really helped me. I would bring back my last drinking memory. Then bring one before that or even before. Till I stopped feeling like “I got this.” because in reality – I don’t. I never had. I never will.

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