Shame on me

Whats that saying? Fool me once shame on you…fool me twice shame on me? Well whatever that saying is, it applies to me. I was supposed to be in Texas now, well for the past 5 days…I was supposed to leave Monday and had everything packed up and ready to go.

I got a text from my current roommate/ex boyfriend that if I didnt have to leave Monday for anything specific than he would love it if I would stay so we could take the dogs to the mountains and just spend some time together. Hook, line, and sinker…I decided to stay until Wednesday and then Wednesday came and so did tropical storm Bill so my tentative new date was Friday after everything passed through Texas.

I have officially spent the past week helping him move, carrying heavy shit, and sweating my ass off and in the evenings he always has something he HAS to go do, but he has a “real job” so I wouldnt understand. Oh and we have not taken that hike yet either. So in all reality I just stepped back into my old role of being used as his maid and thrown away…i also have fallen back into drinking to numb these feelings of inadequacy.

I drank too much with him on Wednesday, you know, because drinking is the only thing we ever had in common and drinking with him will make him want to hang out with me right (how pathetic)? Per usual I wanted to DIE until just now from the hangover. Tonight is my last night and i AM LEAVING TOMORROW and I am sitting alone on a mattress pad in the empty house feeling sorry for myself. How do I keep getting back here? Utter self loathing and sadness. I have been so excited about moving and being close to my sister and family and starting over as a healthy sober individual with real life goals and now I am sitting here trying not to cry…What gives, oh yeah alcohol, low self esteem and someone in your life that fucking sucks. SHAME ON ME.

XO

RM

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