Ups & Downs

I have had some ups and downs this week. i am finally, FINALLY relocated to Texas and as lonely as it is, since I really don’t know anyone here other than my sister, I feel a sense of relief. After me and the ex had some fun (AKA blackout drunken) times I started having those feelings of maybe this CAN work between us, but after this week and finally being away I know that being with him was so toxic. We were going to “try” to be friends and be civil. He was texting me most the day I was driving and after that night he has ignored me. I am not sure if he is mad at me for something or busy or whatever but I just have no interest in playing this game anymore. This was basically our relationship. Drink, party, sex, fight, ignore each other for a few weeks and repeat. I just honestly won’t bring that energy here with me, its time to grow up and now that I am not in the middle of the garbage I can finally just ignore it. He was such a black hole for my emotions and energy. The only issue is he has my dog while I look for an apartment, but luckily i have his mom to give me updates.

I had a final interview yesterday with two hiring managers and just really felt bad about how it went. I am very self aware of the fact that I am embellishing my past work history and it really trips me up in interviews, I try to over explain and end up rambling. I know I can do the job, if not excel at the job, but my random work history is just a crappy show of my skills. I basically accepted any and all job positions for money to live on and those kind of gigs really never work out.

I left feeling defeated and embarrassed as well as like a fraud. I feel so far behind in life being 28 and just now trying to start a career. I spent the entirety of my 20’s chasing guys that were really uninterested in me and being drunk. I have nothing to show for it other than a lot of cellulite and huge credit card balances. It also feels really defeating to be in a house (I am currently living with my sister) with my sisters boyfriend, who HATES ME. He pretty much hates anything that makes my sister happy and gives her something to do outside of activities with him. So yeah he treats me like garbage when I am around and has already told his family they can stay in the room I am in when they come visit, leaving me pretty much homeless. Its hard because on one hand I feel like he is justified, like who wants a freeloading family member living with them but my end goal is not to sit around and drink and live off them, its to get a job, start school again, and move the fuck out of here.

On the positive side, I joined a gym here and signed up for temp work so hopefully things start looking up. I am feeling depressed but all in all it is really pushing me not to drink so that I can get out of this funk soon. I know that all this is for the better and will end up being alright so there is no point in drowning it with alcohol I just have to go through it.

XO

RM

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