Connections or lack there of

Well I HATE to say it, but I am here again….not here posting on the website, but here drinking again… I am not back to the fall down send horribly embarrassing texts kind of drunk but I am having a few drinks by myself in my dark room and that very slowly but surely leads to those good bad ole days. I came to realize that I drink mainly because I am looking for some sort of connection. It really hasn’t occurred to me until earlier when i was sitting on the couch watching TV thinking, well I have 1/2 bottle of wine left. I might as well drink it. I literally had no desire to drink, like 0.00000 but I was bored and alone and then it dawned on me…All my triggers were a direct result of the feeling of being disconnected. Watching reality TV-wanting a connection with friends on fancy trips. Patios-having laughs with friends and enjoying summer and feeling connected. Every time I start drinking is always a direct result to feeling so disconnected to the world and to other people. I have always labeled myself as a loner that just enjoyed being alone and while that is true, i need people and connections.

90 Days starts today

I went out Wednesday. It wasn’t supposed to be a big party, just dinner with an old friend but it turned into lots of drinks and laughs. Honestly I had fun and have been feeling pretty down lately. i don’t know anyone here and not having a job yet has left me bored and a lot less confident. I knew we were going to have a few drinks with dinner which I had okayed with myself before I even went but grabbing a drink at a local hangout after dinner was not in my play book. I still have quite a lot to work on when it comes to peer pressure. i actually took a shot (shots=bad idea) of fireball (cinnamon gum=yuck) from two guys (alcohol from strangers=bad idea)  just because they were annoying me. I hate shots and hate liquor even more. I don’t know why i cave so easily. I assume its because I don’t have those boundaries or goals set up for not drinking and it becomes a slippery slope or its just because I want to be liked, I’m not sure. I don’t know if this whole not drinking for life thing is for me. i don’t drink alone anymore and i don’t really drink but once every 2 months, but after nights of drinking I always have the regret of just wishing I had experienced the night or could remember it. I am going to go for 90 days sober this time around. I always get to 30 and then decide to start up again. i just don’t think 30 days is enough time to change this nasty habit. I am going to blog every day and I am going to make some goals for my months so I am working towards something. July 4th weekend seems as good a time as any to start this challenge. Wish me luck!

XO

RM