I have been thinking. I, along with most problem drinkers of the world. Give far too much power to alcohol. I mean if you think about it, alcohol is a liquid, like every other liquid that we consume, so why does it have so much power? Its like if you were overweight and you blamed pizza for all the troubles in your life. Ridiculous right? Why is there such pressure associated with drinking on a night out with friends? Why do you feel like you NEED to have a glass/beer/shot when the weekend comes to unwind. If you replace all those things with pizza it sounds so ridiculous but I don’t know too many people who struggle with having too much pizza. I have an acquaintance that writes a pretty successful blog mainly about how to get a head in business, but his last blog has been stuck in my head. He was talking about an army ranger that gave a speech at a local college and he said if you want to make a change, make your bed….I have thought about this for a while and it is so true. When I think about my decision to buy/open/consume that one bottle at night I am ultimately causing a ripple effect in my world and not only is that night effected, the next two days and who knows, probably longer than that is effected. When I think to myself, I can have a pizza, it won’t effect anyone, I am kind of throwing in the towel. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone or if anyone even still reads this, but every choice I/you make defines you and your journey.
Im not going to bore you by describing my past few months slowly tumbling back down that crap hole I dug myself out of but I will say it hasn’t been fun, but the exact opposite.
I FINALLY found an apartment that I live at alone (goal 1), I have an amazing real life adult job where my presence matters (goal 2), I got the chance to start over and what did I do?? Oh you know I hit that self destruct button so hard it got stuck. I slowly started drinking with friends then drinking with family and finally I found myself polishing off two bottles of wine in my new apartment alone on Sunday night. I barely got to work on time and was so unmotivated because I constantly wanted to throw up. I rode home holding back tears. I don’t want to do this anymore and I don’t know how I got back here.
I am not going to have a pity party, its time for next steps, and that means starting over and digging myself back towards the sunshine. I reached my very short term goals and I think once that happened I said fuck it, now I can drink again. Its time for new, harder goals.
The first thing I’m going to focus on is self respect.