i watched the secret today. After yet another wasted weekend I was too exhausted from my heavy night drinking to do anything besides plop down on the couch and veg out on Netflix. I am going to take the advice of putting more positive things out in the universe and seeing what happens. For now, I am so grateful to be in my bed in my apartment cuddling with my dog. i am so grateful for that
Something i have always thought about and honestly dreaded when trying to get sober has always been the fear of stillness, of just sitting with myself and experiencing no extreme highs and no bottom of the barrel lows, but being emotionally calm. I can honestly say as I sit here, completely sober, full, and worn out from my day and my workout, and knowing that I will wake up fresh as a daisy for work tomorrow and ultimately do a great job and eat and feel well through my day should be enough, right? wrong. The stillness is terrifying to me, no drama and knowing what will happen in my near future and having control over it, is terrifying…Why??? Why is it that if you ask anyone what their ultimate dreams are and they will say “to be happy”. I am one of those people and when I try to break it down into what would make me happy I tend to go towards the no drama lifestyle, easygoing, food, friends, and love. All these require a stillness for them to last. I have been in the ups and downs of drunken fights with relationships and I can say I was never living a happy life. I have also experienced life as a drunk and there is nothing easygoing about it. I have experienced food and events that I can’t recall. I have ruined friendships and countless happy moments by being a belligerent drunk Why is it that calming my mind and living in a world where I KNOW, that what lies ahead for me is drama free and really everything I could ever ask for pure happiness is so frightening that I turn away from it and settle back into the abyss of pure chaos. Is this a human trait? Is this something everyone experiences in some way or another? Just an ultimate fear or being happy and still?
If I had to pinpoint one thing that has consistently pulled me back into my drunken stupor it would have to be doubt. I have told myself thousands, if not millions of times this was it, this was the last straw, the buck stops here but as soon as any of these thoughts entered my brain I quickly followed them with a timeline or a but…I lift weights, I really love to lift really really heavy weights, why? It makes me feel invincible. I can go up to a barbell and just decide that I’m going to lift it and once that decision is made, there have been very few times I have failed. I am semi good at lifting weights, not olympic good, but pretty good considering I am usually doing this with a raging hangover. I keep trying to think of the times i have succeeded and why that was and why I am continually failing at this. The only thing I could think of was doubt. When I decided to try out for beach patrol in my city, I literally decided, there was no looking back. When I decided to move to another state I decided and got in my car and drove. When I decided to move home, i DECIDED. I rarely ever decide now a days. I spend most of my time waxing and waning the decision. Take a look at my love life. I have had two relationships and they both lasted 5 years. My last relationship was ehhh ok. I was more miserable than I was happy. Most of the time his presence made me nauseous but every time i thought about leaving I would say well its easier to stay and that would be the end of it. I do this a lot, not fight the current, but just go wherever the wind blows me. I never make a conscious decision to do something and forget about all the buts. So I am consciously putting it out there that i will not drink. I will not drink, i WILL NOT DRINK. There is no for so many days, there is no until the weekend, or until a friend asks me to hang out. Drinking will no longer be a part of my life and I am done with it. It does not serve me so from tonight on. I have decided that I am not a drinker, I do not drink anymore. the end.
Wow addiction is a powerful and very very lonely road to be traveling on. I am realizing my worst fears. I have moved to a new city to be closer to my sister, rented my own apartment, bought my on furniture, and found a great job and here i am spending my weekends wasted and alone…again. The worst part about it all, is my therapist had me outline what my worst fears were for when I moved and its almost like I carved that future into stone when I did that. I don’t know why i continue to sabotage myself. I went this whole week without drinking and PROMISED myself that I wouldnt drink this weekend, then I was invited by a friend at the gym to a game night on Saturday so naturally I decided to get wasted Friday so that when the Saturday game night came around I wouldnt end up making a scene and would end up only drinking a little because i was so still so hungover. I also thought to myself, well just don’t drink, but then I quickly decided that I am not interesting when I’m sober and in order for people to want to hang out with me I have to be the perfect amount of drunk. This is my usual thinking when it comes to events I’m nervous about. Meeting all these new people and knowing that I will get too drunk and be obnoxious and ridiculous so instead I get shit faced all alone the night before. This time, and all the times before this leads to a horrible, horrible Saturday trying to choke down water and ending up canceling the actual social event I have been looking forward to because I feel so awful. So not only am i sabotaging myself, my body, and my confidence. I am now isolating myself from people that want to hang out with me, which has been the ultimate reason for my drinking. I feel like my drunk brain wants me to be lonely and I think it has become stronger and stronger over the last few months. I have not figured out a plan yet to build up my happy sober brain and kill my drunk brain but I know that I have to make a change.