My drunk brain has taken over

Wow addiction is a powerful and very very lonely road to be traveling on. I am realizing my worst fears. I have moved to a new city to be closer to my sister, rented my own apartment, bought my on furniture, and found a great job and here i am spending my weekends wasted and alone…again. The worst part about it all, is my therapist had me outline what my worst fears were for when I moved and its almost like I carved that future into stone when I did that. I don’t know why i continue to sabotage myself. I went this whole week without drinking and PROMISED myself that I wouldnt drink this weekend, then I was invited by a friend at the gym to a game night on Saturday so naturally I decided to get wasted Friday so that when the Saturday game night came around I wouldnt end up making a scene and would end up only drinking a little because i was so still so hungover. I also thought to myself, well just don’t drink, but then I quickly decided that I am not interesting when I’m sober and in order for people to want to hang out with me I have to be the perfect amount of drunk. This is my usual thinking when it comes to events I’m nervous about. Meeting all these new people and knowing that I will get too drunk and be obnoxious and ridiculous so instead I get shit faced all alone the night before. This time, and all the times before this leads to a horrible, horrible Saturday trying to choke down water and ending up canceling the actual social event I have been looking forward to because I feel so awful. So not only am i sabotaging myself, my body, and my confidence. I am now isolating myself from people that want to hang out with me, which has been the ultimate reason for my drinking. I feel like my drunk brain wants me to be lonely and I think it has become stronger and stronger over the last few months. I have not figured out a plan yet to build up my happy sober brain and kill my drunk brain but I know that I have to make a change.

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