Doubt

If I had to pinpoint one thing that has consistently pulled me back into my drunken stupor it would have to be doubt. I have told myself thousands, if not millions of times this was it, this was the last straw, the buck stops here but as soon as any of these thoughts entered my brain I quickly followed them with a timeline or a but…I lift weights, I really love to lift really really heavy weights, why? It makes me feel invincible. I can go up to a barbell and just decide that I’m going to lift it and once that decision is made, there have been very few times I have failed. I am semi good at lifting weights, not olympic good, but pretty good considering I am usually doing this with a raging hangover. I keep trying to think of the times i have succeeded and why that was and why I am continually failing at this. The only thing I could think of was doubt. When I decided to try out for beach patrol in my city, I literally decided, there was no looking back. When I decided to move to another state I decided and got in my car and drove. When I decided to move home, i DECIDED. I rarely ever decide now a days. I spend most of my time waxing and waning the decision. Take a look at my love life. I have had two relationships and they both lasted 5 years. My last relationship was ehhh ok. I was more miserable than I was happy. Most of the time his presence made me nauseous but every time i thought about leaving I would say well its easier to stay and that would be the end of it. I do this a lot, not fight the current, but just go wherever the wind blows me. I never make a conscious decision to do something and forget about all the buts. So I am consciously putting it out there that i will not drink. I will not drink, i WILL NOT DRINK. There is no for so many days, there is no until the weekend, or until a friend asks me to hang out. Drinking will no longer be a part of my life and I am done with it. It does not serve me so from tonight on. I have decided that I am not a drinker, I do not drink anymore. the end.

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