Fear of stillness

Something i have always thought about and honestly dreaded when trying to get sober has always been the fear of stillness, of just sitting with myself and experiencing no extreme highs and no bottom of the barrel lows, but being emotionally calm.  I can honestly say as I sit here, completely sober, full, and worn out from my day and my workout, and knowing that I will wake up fresh as a daisy for work tomorrow and ultimately do a great job and eat and feel well through my day should be enough, right? wrong. The stillness is terrifying to me, no drama and knowing what will happen in my near future and having control over it, is terrifying…Why??? Why is it that if you ask anyone what their ultimate dreams are and they will say “to be happy”. I am one of those people and when I try to break it down into what would make me happy I tend to go towards the no drama lifestyle, easygoing, food, friends, and love. All these require a stillness for them to last. I have been in the ups and downs of drunken fights with relationships and I can say I was never living a happy life. I have also experienced life as a drunk and there is nothing easygoing about it. I have experienced food and events that I can’t recall. I have ruined friendships and countless happy moments by being a belligerent drunk Why is it that calming my mind and living in a world where I KNOW, that what lies ahead for me is drama free and really everything I could ever ask for pure happiness is so frightening that I turn away from it and settle back into the abyss of pure chaos. Is this a human trait? Is this something everyone experiences in some way or another? Just an ultimate fear or being happy and still?


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