I have been here way too many times before over the last year. I had to pause and realize that I started this journey and blog last November after getting entirely too shit faced at Thanksgiving and making a horrible decision to sleep with two close friends. Well like I said I am back to square one and THAT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS!! I didn’t do any horrible things this Thanksgiving besides just drinking to excess and making an ass out of myself. I do feel like I have grown some and have looked into counseling in the new town I am in but to no avail, apparently this is the time of year when therapists are all booked up, imagine that.
On a better note, I have met someone and I am really thinking he is it for me. He is really amazing and knows more about my drinking problem and past then people I have known for 15 years. He makes me feel like I can open up and be honest and he won’t judge. I have already sent him the requisite drunk texts that span from being horny and making little to no sense to being angry and always my favorite the combination of being angry, happy and horny and making absolutely no sense. He has been great about understanding and “getting it” but I know this is not something he is willing to deal with like all the last losers I have dated that had their own issues and appreciated the disaster I became. I have started looking outside of my provider network just to find someone to talk to.
My mom heard from my dad that I got drunk this past weekend and decided to lecture me about god and the fact that I am part of some hereditary hex and then begin reciting some garbage about sins of the father….I don’t know why this pissed me off so much but it pissed me off to the point that I wanted to cry. I absolutely hate that I want to open up to my family about my struggles and I can’t have a intelligible conversation about it AT ALL. It irks me to the core. Anyways, I am headed to see my friend with my boyfriend out of town this weekend and I am scared shitless. I need to make a promise to myself that I am done with this spiral down the drain. I really can’t do this anymore. I am exhausted living in this personal hell.