Waking up with a pounding headache, dry mouth and the anxiety of putting together the fight last night is sadly not a place that is unfamiliar. Lots of changes have happened but still the same old habit. I have moved in with my boyfriend whom I met at work. He is great, perfect actually and I am unfortunately working my best at ruining it. I read something the other day, well actually listened to a radio lab and they were talking about the science of addiction and that there is actually a drug out there that has been approved to treat alcoholism and has shown some success. The more I read about it the more I want to give it a shot. Its called Vivitrol, it supposably has been used in other countries for a long time but is not really put on the table for people in the states. I am still researching and the side affects seem rather frightening but how amazing would it be not to have cravings.
I had a great day yesterday, well work was boring as hell because I don’t really have anything to do currently. I went to my sisters and celebrated Easter with my Niece and mom and we died eggs and had some wine and headed home to the man. Well of course I mentally talked myself into grabbing an extra bottle earlier in the store when I was getting wine and on my way home I was freaking out that one bottle wouldnt be enough so I stopped at the store at 8:30 just to grab another bottle. I kind of mentally captured the feeling and it was such a strong compulsion, a compulsion I can only compare to being so thirsty for water and coming up to a stream. After I purchased the bottle I felt like I had just taken a sip of that stream and could relax. Needless to say I came home opened one bottle, tried to drink as much as possible before my man noticed and made me share and then proceeded to open the second bottle. A fight ensued about a shitty comment he made (which honestly I think I had a valid point) and he left this morning for work angry. I on the other hand decided to “work from home” and am sitting here trying to make my mind work properly again and trying to forget the evening…How does such a wonderful night turn into something so ugly..oH YEAH ME + Wine is how 😦 Grrrr. This talk makes me really want to try this new drug. I know its not a quick fix and I need to get my mental game on point too but I really need something to push me in the right direction.
I will try to be better about updating.