Alcohol has already controlled a huge portion of my life. Even when I’m not drinking I am thinking about drinking. i don’t know what it is but this time feels different. I decided to try something I haven’t tried before and signed up for acupuncture. I had to try something different. I really didnt expect much from it but it did give me an hour of meditation that I desperately needed.
I came in pretty reluctant but willing to try anything. It was a pretty cold office and the nice woman at the counter gave me the clip board with the usual info to fill in. I left the “reason for visit” line empty until i checked and rechecked that a legitimate treatment for alcoholism was acupuncture and that i wasn’t going to be shamed out of the office. Finally I wrote ALCOHOL ABUSE on the line. i returned the clipboard where the nice receptionist looked it over and asked me to have a seat. I will skip all the boring stuff and get to the part that really shook me. The doctor or acupuncturist (I am not sure if they are actual doctors or not) looked me up and down and said “so you abuse alcohol?” I said “uh..yeah shyly…” Without skipping a beat she said “your a pretty girl but pretty fades and no one likes a drunk girl.”
I spent the next day or so thinking about that. At first I thought who the hell is she to talk to me like that. Then it kind of started seeping in. She said it so matter a factly and just straight to the point. It hurt only because I knew it was true.
The boyfriend and I finally set down and talked. I of course am so tired of thinking about it and talking about my actions and making false promises that I automatically assume he is tired of hearing them but I’m wrong. I told him all the shitty feelings I have about him and alcohol and that there isn’t a place for him because alcohol is my first love. He wrongly thought I was upset when he was out with friends and I feel alone and try to drown myself in libations when its so opposite of the truth. I feel elated that it will just be me and a night with the bottle. I think he finally gets the point that there isn’t this happy medium. I quit or we quit our relationship.
So here I am. I am almost to a month and haven’t had too many cravings. I crave the glass of wine with dinner or when I’m cooking or when we are just lounging around and thinking about those thoughts make my mouth water but I have to remember that I am romanticizing a poison that would ultimately kill me and any form of happiness I can imagine. I just have to take the curtain down so I can enjoy the play. Im going to enjoy this play dammit!