I have always considered myself a pretty low key person. I rarely ever show emotions and can stay relatively cool as a cucumber, not so much anymore. I am finding that I am in a constant state of panic. ALL. THE . TIME. I have never really cared what other people think of me. I really don’t, I’m not one of those that says that but secretly is crying inside for attention I actually find that is says a lot more about the person doing the judging then it does the judged, but thats neither here nor there. I do however care very much what I think of me and let me tell ya the audience is a hard sell. My head doesn’t stop running. I can feel my hard drive fan over heating as i speak. I am freaking out at a constant rate over anything and everything and I think I never noticed it because I kept this hard drive relatively sedated but now its working on full force (queue the electronica music). Remember that commercial about your brain on drugs? thats my brain in its natural state.
So back to my critics AKA this girl right here. I have this constant fear that I am now boring so utterly uninteresting. When my boyfriend gets tired early or falls asleep on the couch my brain hits that frying pan and goes into overdrive…”Would he rather be drinking with his friends?””Is it so uninteresting hanging out with me now that he can’t keep his eyes open?” “Does he feel like he is having to change or hide his drinking because of me? “”Will he soon grow so sick and tired of hanging out and doing mundane things with me and find someone that can handle alcohol and have a good time?” This incessant stream of self doubt all because he fell asleep while watching a show with me! Does this happen to anyone else? I mean the fear that now you are just a boring human that is destined to walk the earth in a level mood, always the DD and always the responsible one? Do people need a little dysfunction in their life to feel alive? Do I need a new problem to fit in with the “normal people”
The worst part is I really don’t want to drink, have no desire to drink and when I smell it I actually feel repulsed but the social constraints are what is really weighing on me but not so much social as in everyone but social as in people I love. Riddle me this am I boring and if so am I okay with it?