I drank…I couldn’t resist. I felt like I needed to see what it was like and well I can say you definently can still get drunk but its not the same. I decided Sunday I was going to drink and test it out. I bought a good bottle of wine and shared it with my fiancé. I figured I would only want one glass and then I would get tired of it or not want to drink or I don’t know what I expected but that one bottle turned into breaking into the shitty box wine I have from Thanksgiving. I would almost equate the feeling to chasing a sugar cookie when starved on an island. I see the sugar cookie (I have no idea why I want a sugar cookie but you get the metaphor), I know its delicious and I know if i could only bite it I would be happy and full again but I can’t ever reach it. So I drank and drank and drank and continued even though I really felt like stopping and by stopping I mean my brain was like yuck every sip but my mind was like come on keep trying, you can get there! So I tried and tried and tried and I never got there. Its like being unable to climax in sex. Like its good and it feels good but its just not happening, so I quit, I went to bed fully conscious. I didnt experience a black out even though I guess I would say I had maybe 1.5 bottles over a few hours. I felt exceptionally shitty the next day, but i also felt exceptionally unresolved.
Its a weird feeling to feel like this. I hate my dark passenger (as Dexter would have put it) but i feel strangely attached. I know obviously you become attached to something that makes you feel good even with all the bad that comes with it but one would think a conscious brain would be able to label these feelings as bad??? This still confounds me. One good thing is I told my fiancé about my blog. I know thats not a big deal but it is to me cause this has become a diary really.
I also started taking the Baclofen and it makes me talkative but not tired. I havent tried it at work yet but I will do so when I feel stressed. Fuck. Did I tell you guys we are getting evicted?!?!? Not cause we suck but because our landlords want to move back in cause they suck so we have been super stressed recently.
Anywho, Sorry for such a downer post, I wish that the Naltrexone made it impossible to get drunk but it doesn’t and to some point it satisfies the ability to drink but also inhibits the good feelings.