My assignment from my therapist last week was to write a letter to my sister that outlines my resignations in regards to moving in with her as well as why I am excited about living with her.
A little backstory, I moved in with her my last year of college because I had a tool for a landlord that stopped paying his mortgage so the bank seized the property and evicted all of the tenants the week before finals. She just bought a house about 10 minutes from campus with 3 bedrooms so I moved in. Her DOUCHE bag boyfriend lived there and we DID NOT GET ALONG. In some ways it was my fault, I was drinking heavily every night living there (insert dumbass rationalizing for why i drank heavily here…college was ending during a really bad recession, I was working at a surgical vet clinic with no prospects of a grown up job in sight and animals dropping dead of horribly sad illnesses every day, My high school sweetheart of 5 years moved away but wanted to keep me on hold without any commitment, see i told ya. I got excuses!) Anywho we did not get a long. He is and has always been a very chauvinistic pig. He would kick the dogs and would tell me how woman needed to do all the chores in the house. Just a really not nice person but she has been with him now for 14 years and if I have learned one thing, it is that you cannot change people. I moved out the day I graduated and moved with my friend to Colorado. I have been here ever since and now I am headed back to a different city but same situation in Texas, and a newborn…
None of the issues have anything to do with my sister, she is and has always been basically my mom and the responsible one of the whole family. I mentioned in an earlier post that my parents were very lackadaisical when it came to parenting and when i was on a course for disaster my sister was the one to step in, not my parents. I actually live really well with her, we get along very well and are on the same wavelength. Any who i should get on to the letter. I am not sure why I need to write this because he told me i wasn’t actually going to give it to her, maybe its to become aware of the issues that i foresee and then to actually work them out in my brain before they happen? I don’t know.
Feel free to stop reading now if you don’t want to read the letter. I am just too lazy to start a new word document 🙂
So i know that we have lived together before and as much as I absolutely love being around YOU and living with YOU. I don’t think you realize that the last time we lived together, it was the darkest and most self destructive time in my life.
Most of it had to do with the fear of graduating and having nothing lined up compounded with working at the vet and watching countless animals suffer and die on a daily basis and add to that my really rocky relationship with Steven and his stringing me along, I can say I was not in a good place during those years and I felt like I was suffocating.
i don’t believe it necessarily had anything to do with where I was living as much as it had to do with my mindset and mental attitude towards life. I know that me being financially responsible for myself has been a huge struggle for me. I never wanted to rely on anyone to support me but I have always allowed you and dad to bail me out and support me for so long that I don’t have the slightest appreciation for money.
When we lived together I did not pay rent or anything to help support the household. I am not quite sure when it happened that I started believing other people “owe” me a living or how I became this person that feels entitled. I unfortunately believe I have taken after mom in that respect and feel like my continued financial instability has diminished a lot of my self worth.
I think my biggest fear (and probably yours) is becoming like mom or dad. I was definently on that path of the “woe is me” victim of circumstance” (mom) and the “drunken should have, would have, could have” person (dad) and I am worried that with my move back to Texas I will start sliding back into those patterns.
I am also worried about living with your boyfriend, or frankly being around him. I don’t really know him all that well, but from how I have seen him treat you while I lived with y’all before, I know he has never garnered my respect. You are such an amazing person and to watch you treated the way he treats you is unnerving. I also know that you can’t make decisions for people in regards to how they live their life and as long as you are happy, I am happy and will be there for you.
I have been seeing a substance abuse counselor (hence the gross emotional letter:) and am working on my abuse with alcohol and my self esteem issues. I know alcohol has always been my way of trying to escape myself and my consistent disappointment in myself as well as an escape from our VERY dysfunctional family. I never learned to expect much from myself or for myself, I was never the smart one or the athletic one and I never felt like there were any expectations from me so I never expected anything above average from myself. I always felt like I had really impossible shoes to fill so I gave up pretty quickly when I knew that I would never be as good as you and I have continued to not strive for anything.
I have always looked up to you and love you more than anything in the world. I know we are not the outwardly emotional type of people, probably a learned skill from mom and dad, but I am always here for you if you ever need emotional support and I know you are here for me as well. I am really excited to be there for you in this new chapter of your life and I am asking that you hold me accountable with all the stuff I have been working on. I want to be a positive role model and not a drunken disaster of an aunt. I want to start expecting more from myself and I want you to require more from me.
***Is it odd that I am literally cringing inside re-reading this? I think my body is allergic to vulnerability***