The “whys”

I am not sure how beneficial examining the whys of my drinking is but I have read about the exercise enough that I think it’s worth a shot.

Why do I drink?

Mostly I would say I drink to stop my mind from going a million miles a minute but when I actually think about the times that I get drunk my mind still goes a million miles a minute and it’s usually full of anger and hate filled thoughts. I know I do drink for the numbness it has the ability to make all the worry and stress and disappointment go away for a while and it also makes me feel capable of anything. I also have the belief that it makes me creative and allows me to conquer the world without leaving my couch. I drink cause it makes me blind to a lot of my shortcomings or failings somehow the extra 15 pounds, acne scars and aging skin seem alright after a few glasses of wine and completely non existent after a bottle. The thing about it though is it does all these things only for a few hours and what it leaves me with in return is all of those insecurities amplified by a million.

I drink for exactly what alcohol was created to do. It numbs, I drink to numb out reality. So instead it’s time to change reality. I need to look at all the areas of my life that I’m trying to numb and either make piece with it or work on making the situation better.




Another Holiday and a new excuse to get drunk…amirightoramiright??? Blah! Every time this season comes around I make so many promises to myself. I promise myself I will only have a little to drink with dinner (yeah fucking right) or I will just get plastered the night before so I will be too sick to drink the day of or-OR my ultimate favorite, just get shit faced and make an ass out of yourself, they have to keep loving you right??? Your family! I will give you one guess which one I chose…Get wasted prior and during. Logical decisions right? The only problem is I feel like absolute garbage for all family events and the whole not drinking that day due to feeling like a big ole turd turns into drinking just to feel human again. This year was no different, I decided to get wasted both families thanksgiving as to absolutely miss everything fun about the holidays and then wallow in shame in bed trying to nurse my hangover…So much for a 4 day weekend.

So I am trying something new and something that scares the shit out of me.

Hellllllooooo Naltrexone.

IMG_0458.JPGOk, so quick overview. I was listening to a radio lab on NPR and heard this one episode called “The Fix” It was about this doctor that was pretty much ready to kill himself because his addiction was so strong (I am sure many of you can relate) anyways I can’t remember the exact combination he took but I think it consisted of Baclofen and something else, just listen to the episode here: it will make much better sense then me trying to remember the details.

Long story short he took these drugs and at some point was cured. Like never wanted alcohol again!!! LIKE IM SORRY, COME AGAIN?!? NEVER WANTED ALCOHOL AGAIN!

Anywho, I found a local psychiatrist that prescribes some of the other drugs out there that treat addiction (who knew these existed???? FUCK all you other drug counselors out there that never gave me options) I met with her and she basically was like you are an amazing candidate for this. She prescribed me Naltrexone and Baclofen. I haven’t taken the Baclofen yet as she said it is for anxiety and since I am basically a human ball of anxiety and I am not sure if I want to be medicated all the time I am going with one drug at a time. Also drugs scare the living bejeezus out of me, I know, makes no sense I will drink myself into a coma but taking a Tylenol takes some serious decision making (I would absolutely love to see an MRI of my brain)

So, I have Naltrexone and I have taken two doses so far. I can’t say I feel any differently other than yesterday I kind of wanted to stop at the store for a bottle or 4 of wine but it passed really quickly and my mind kind of went we should get wine, nah…ok.  I have to go get blood work done and see her once or twice a month for actual therapy sessions but so far so good. I will follow up with my experience. So stay posted!

A No good night very bad kinda night

What a night…Not in a good way! I got first hand experience with my biggest fear of this sobriety thing.

Our anniversary was last night and we planned to do dinner and a movie. I wanted Xmen but he wanted to see Independece Day. We spent the entire day moving and packing and I was pretty excited to relax. I took a shower and proceeded to get dressed. He was taking a little longer and being goofy even though it was almost 6 and the movie started at 7:30. I was getting annoyed because the movie started in an 1 1/2 hours and I knew the drive was about 20 minutes and the chances of grabbing dinner on a saturday evening was dwindling. I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry and I really didnt want my stomach growling the whole movie. We finally got out the door around 6:30. I knew something was really wrong when he started driving. He hit the curb on the way out and seemed slow. I thought maybe he just got high…(*sidenote: he smokes weed. I don’t have an opinion on weed. I don’t really see any downsides to people smoking weed it just isn’t my cup of tea. I think it smells and anytime I have ever tried it I feel the need to pee the entire time. Not a good time for me so I avoid it) any who he started talking to me and I kept trying to explain where we were going and that we needed food before we get there. He was swerving in and out of lanes and crossed three lanes in front of people without a signal. To say I was scared to death is an understatement. He proceeded to tell me in broken slurred english the guy who he buys weed from gave him a xanax to help him “chill out” from our moving day. We ended up driving around aimlessly because he wouldnt listen to me about finding food and I couldn’t persuade him to pull over the car and let me drive. Finally we just went to the movie theatre and went in starving to sit there for 30 minutes. I was already so annoyed. I literally had to say “what are you saying” about a million times. In the movies he inhaled nachos, popcorn, and a Dr. pepper slushy which he preceded to throw behind him after he finished them and fell asleep. He was snoring and would wake up and yell something every so often.

After the movie I woke him up and told him to give me the keys. Thankfully he handed them over. I drove home listening to him mumbling random things and falling in and out of sleep. He got in bed as soon as we got home leaving me to walk the dogs and passed out. I slept like crap last night because he kept snoring and talking in his sleep and I just didnt want to be in the same vicinity as him and now the day I had planned to go see my niece, workout, and get ready for the week is going to have to be put on hold because I can’t keep my eyes open and my head is killing me. I resent him a little today and that is not something I want to feel after a date night.

This morning he apologized profusely but when I told him what he said and did he laughed it off and said well I’m sure it wasn’t funny last night but it is kind of funny today. I still don’t think it is funny at all. I had a horrible anniversary and felt like I was babysitting a drunk idiot all night long. I have always feared that being a sober person would make me judgmental and after reading numerous blogs about relationships working between sober and non sober people I was thrust right into the most negative part. He has never done this and he is never out of control or maybe I never thought he was because I was way more out of control then him but regardless I don’t have the patience for it. I really hope this isn’t the new norm and I know I have been that person countless times so I feel like such a hypocrite. Ugh okay time to hit the reset button. Back to bed