A few weeks on Naltrexone and I feel conflicted. First off, I am spending $150-$300 on appointments that are not being covered by insurance and second off I really haven’t spoken about anything with my therapist other then her asking questions about my medications.
- I am pretty sure I can’t keep up with this cost, my credit card bill has become out of control and
- I am still drinking almost weekly.
So I don’t feel any real drive not to drink. For Example, I assumed the drug makes the cravings manageable but today for about 6 hours all i thought about was drinking and finally i just went to the store and got wine. It really hasn’t helped with cravings. Also, I can feel my insides hurting lately, like my lower body just cramps and I wake up every day with a severe headache and thats not from drinking. I also recently drank a bit more than I have been (roughly two bottles of wine) and I was hallucinating. I was hallucinating that I was in a camp being murdered and when i got in bed I imagined (hallucinated?) that my fiancé was a guard that had to watch me from getting away.
This literally scares me away from this drug. I don’t care how blacked out I have ever been I have NEVER thought someone I loved would hurt me. I was so scared and kept telling myself to lie still cause if he attacked me I would have to kill him and its like had he cuddled me in that moment would i have done something that couldnt be fixed???? Like no thanks! I know this doesn’t make you a “regular” drinker but I also feel no desire not to.
Fuck this is scary and its always scared me to ever be on drugs, like I am literally afraid of my mind on prescription drugs (I know alcohol is a drug but for some reason it has always seemed manageable).
My doctor prescribed me an antidepressant and I have had it for over a week but I just don’t want to take it. I know why I’m depressed and I know how to fix it and that aint a pill. I don’t workout anymore and I used to workout intensely 7 days a week. I work 8 hours a day refreshing a yahoo screen because I’m not challenged and i don’t care to be challenged anymore in the position I’m in. I let any setback take hold of my imagination. i know the shit that makes me sad and living on a happy cloud isn’t going to make those things go away, it will just make me okay with my current life and I don’t want to be okay with that.
Fuck. I don’t know what to do. I feel like giving up on therapy is shitty but i really can’t afford it and i don’t really think this drug is worth it. I don’t ever want to wake up to something I can’t undo because I hallucinate something crazy.
What a night…Not in a good way! I got first hand experience with my biggest fear of this sobriety thing.
Our anniversary was last night and we planned to do dinner and a movie. I wanted Xmen but he wanted to see Independece Day. We spent the entire day moving and packing and I was pretty excited to relax. I took a shower and proceeded to get dressed. He was taking a little longer and being goofy even though it was almost 6 and the movie started at 7:30. I was getting annoyed because the movie started in an 1 1/2 hours and I knew the drive was about 20 minutes and the chances of grabbing dinner on a saturday evening was dwindling. I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry and I really didnt want my stomach growling the whole movie. We finally got out the door around 6:30. I knew something was really wrong when he started driving. He hit the curb on the way out and seemed slow. I thought maybe he just got high…(*sidenote: he smokes weed. I don’t have an opinion on weed. I don’t really see any downsides to people smoking weed it just isn’t my cup of tea. I think it smells and anytime I have ever tried it I feel the need to pee the entire time. Not a good time for me so I avoid it) any who he started talking to me and I kept trying to explain where we were going and that we needed food before we get there. He was swerving in and out of lanes and crossed three lanes in front of people without a signal. To say I was scared to death is an understatement. He proceeded to tell me in broken slurred english the guy who he buys weed from gave him a xanax to help him “chill out” from our moving day. We ended up driving around aimlessly because he wouldnt listen to me about finding food and I couldn’t persuade him to pull over the car and let me drive. Finally we just went to the movie theatre and went in starving to sit there for 30 minutes. I was already so annoyed. I literally had to say “what are you saying” about a million times. In the movies he inhaled nachos, popcorn, and a Dr. pepper slushy which he preceded to throw behind him after he finished them and fell asleep. He was snoring and would wake up and yell something every so often.
After the movie I woke him up and told him to give me the keys. Thankfully he handed them over. I drove home listening to him mumbling random things and falling in and out of sleep. He got in bed as soon as we got home leaving me to walk the dogs and passed out. I slept like crap last night because he kept snoring and talking in his sleep and I just didnt want to be in the same vicinity as him and now the day I had planned to go see my niece, workout, and get ready for the week is going to have to be put on hold because I can’t keep my eyes open and my head is killing me. I resent him a little today and that is not something I want to feel after a date night.
This morning he apologized profusely but when I told him what he said and did he laughed it off and said well I’m sure it wasn’t funny last night but it is kind of funny today. I still don’t think it is funny at all. I had a horrible anniversary and felt like I was babysitting a drunk idiot all night long. I have always feared that being a sober person would make me judgmental and after reading numerous blogs about relationships working between sober and non sober people I was thrust right into the most negative part. He has never done this and he is never out of control or maybe I never thought he was because I was way more out of control then him but regardless I don’t have the patience for it. I really hope this isn’t the new norm and I know I have been that person countless times so I feel like such a hypocrite. Ugh okay time to hit the reset button. Back to bed