Its been 26 days, i think. The boyfriend and I talked out the disaster of date night and I started realizing that I’m really struggling with controlling situations. That has always been my MO, wanting to control everything around me but you can’t do that with other people. Sure, he shouldn’t take drugs that make him like that but really who am I to say. All I can say is that if he chooses to engage in activities like that, then i don’t want to be around him. Done. The end. It doesn’t have to have such an effect on me. I have to start being like a duck and let shit just roll off my back. Feelings are just the worst!
So I also have noticed that my taste buds are changing. Can that happen? Its really interesting how much I craved things and now they just are ehh blah gross. It isn’t even just crapy food like donuts or breakfast tacos or other shitty-I’m-drunk-make-me-feel-better foods. I used to love this one salad and now I eat it and it was so blah, I was like 14$ for this?!? YUCK! I did that with steak the other night, I was so excited and then I ate it and I was waiting for the flavor explosion but it never came 😦 I also have slowly started hating chicken, maybe it has been the two experiences having really gristly (is that a word?) chicken, but all i can picture is chewing on my own arm and thats not appetizing to me.
It is the weird all the little things that change, like because I don’t feel shitty in the morning anymore from drinking and staying up too late now I just feel shitty cause the dog barked and woke me up or I am resenting going to work cause its boring. I wish there was like a shock button that could let you experience the hangover for a minute so you can remember how shitty, shitty was. I read something about raising your standards and how that happens when you change yourself so i guess I have raised my feeling shitty standards along with my taste bud standards or maybe I’m just a not so glass is half empty person that can find the silver lining in life’s not so peachy moments.
I should have been careful thinking that not drinking would make everything better all at once. I guess after prolonged abuse there is going to be a prolonged recovery for everything in my life. I will say its totally worth it and I really don’t want alcohol and when i do they are short and I can resolve the feeling by just imaging what would happen and the craving is gone again but I envisioned pink cloud, unicorns, surprise money deposits and 6 pack abs and so far nada. its like I came to sober land and all i got was gristle… that should be on a mug