All I got was gristle

Its been 26 days, i think. The boyfriend and I talked out the disaster of date night and I started realizing that I’m really struggling with controlling situations. That has always been my MO, wanting to control everything around me but you can’t do that with other people. Sure, he shouldn’t take drugs that make him like that but really who am I to say. All I can say is that if he chooses to engage in activities like that, then i don’t want to be around him. Done. The end. It doesn’t have to have such an effect on me. I have to start being like a duck and let shit just roll off my back. Feelings are just the worst!

So I also have noticed that my taste buds are changing. Can that happen? Its really interesting how much I craved things and now they just are ehh blah gross. It isn’t even just crapy food like donuts or breakfast tacos or other shitty-I’m-drunk-make-me-feel-better foods. I used to love this one salad and now I eat it and it was so blah, I was like 14$ for this?!? YUCK! I did that with steak the other night, I was so excited and then I ate it and I was waiting for the flavor explosion but it never came 😦 I also have slowly started hating chicken, maybe it has been the two experiences having really gristly (is that a word?) chicken, but all i can picture is chewing on my own arm and thats not appetizing to me.

It is the weird all the little things that change, like because I don’t feel shitty in the morning anymore from drinking and staying up too late now I just feel shitty cause the dog barked and woke me up or I am resenting going to work cause its boring. I wish there was like a shock button that could let you experience the hangover for a minute so you can remember how shitty, shitty was. I read something about raising your standards and how that happens when you change yourself so i guess I have raised my feeling shitty standards along with my taste bud standards or maybe I’m just a not so glass is half empty person that can find the silver lining in life’s not so peachy moments.

I should have been careful thinking that not drinking would make everything better all at once. I guess after prolonged abuse there is going to be a prolonged recovery for everything in my life. I will say its totally worth it and I really don’t want alcohol and when i do they are short and I can resolve the feeling by just imaging what would happen and the craving is gone again but I envisioned pink cloud, unicorns, surprise money deposits and 6 pack abs and so far nada. its like I came to sober land and all i got was gristle… that should be on a mug

Whomp whomp

A No good night very bad kinda night

What a night…Not in a good way! I got first hand experience with my biggest fear of this sobriety thing.

Our anniversary was last night and we planned to do dinner and a movie. I wanted Xmen but he wanted to see Independece Day. We spent the entire day moving and packing and I was pretty excited to relax. I took a shower and proceeded to get dressed. He was taking a little longer and being goofy even though it was almost 6 and the movie started at 7:30. I was getting annoyed because the movie started in an 1 1/2 hours and I knew the drive was about 20 minutes and the chances of grabbing dinner on a saturday evening was dwindling. I am not a happy camper when I’m hungry and I really didnt want my stomach growling the whole movie. We finally got out the door around 6:30. I knew something was really wrong when he started driving. He hit the curb on the way out and seemed slow. I thought maybe he just got high…(*sidenote: he smokes weed. I don’t have an opinion on weed. I don’t really see any downsides to people smoking weed it just isn’t my cup of tea. I think it smells and anytime I have ever tried it I feel the need to pee the entire time. Not a good time for me so I avoid it) any who he started talking to me and I kept trying to explain where we were going and that we needed food before we get there. He was swerving in and out of lanes and crossed three lanes in front of people without a signal. To say I was scared to death is an understatement. He proceeded to tell me in broken slurred english the guy who he buys weed from gave him a xanax to help him “chill out” from our moving day. We ended up driving around aimlessly because he wouldnt listen to me about finding food and I couldn’t persuade him to pull over the car and let me drive. Finally we just went to the movie theatre and went in starving to sit there for 30 minutes. I was already so annoyed. I literally had to say “what are you saying” about a million times. In the movies he inhaled nachos, popcorn, and a Dr. pepper slushy which he preceded to throw behind him after he finished them and fell asleep. He was snoring and would wake up and yell something every so often.

After the movie I woke him up and told him to give me the keys. Thankfully he handed them over. I drove home listening to him mumbling random things and falling in and out of sleep. He got in bed as soon as we got home leaving me to walk the dogs and passed out. I slept like crap last night because he kept snoring and talking in his sleep and I just didnt want to be in the same vicinity as him and now the day I had planned to go see my niece, workout, and get ready for the week is going to have to be put on hold because I can’t keep my eyes open and my head is killing me. I resent him a little today and that is not something I want to feel after a date night.

This morning he apologized profusely but when I told him what he said and did he laughed it off and said well I’m sure it wasn’t funny last night but it is kind of funny today. I still don’t think it is funny at all. I had a horrible anniversary and felt like I was babysitting a drunk idiot all night long. I have always feared that being a sober person would make me judgmental and after reading numerous blogs about relationships working between sober and non sober people I was thrust right into the most negative part. He has never done this and he is never out of control or maybe I never thought he was because I was way more out of control then him but regardless I don’t have the patience for it. I really hope this isn’t the new norm and I know I have been that person countless times so I feel like such a hypocrite. Ugh okay time to hit the reset button. Back to bed

Am I Boring?

I have always considered myself a pretty low key person. I rarely ever show emotions and can stay relatively cool as a cucumber, not so much anymore. I am finding that I am in a constant state of panic. ALL. THE . TIME. I have never really cared what other people think of me. I really don’t, I’m not one of those that says that but secretly is crying inside for attention I actually find that is says a lot more about the person doing the judging then it does the judged, but thats neither here nor there. I do however care very much what I think of me and let me tell ya the audience is a hard sell. My head doesn’t stop running. I can feel my hard drive fan over heating as i speak. I am freaking out at a constant rate over anything and everything and I think I never noticed it because I kept this hard drive relatively sedated but now its working on full force (queue the electronica music). Remember that commercial about your brain on drugs? thats my brain in its natural state.

So back to my critics AKA this girl right here. I have this constant fear that I am now boring so utterly uninteresting. When my boyfriend gets tired early or falls asleep on the couch my brain hits that frying pan and goes into overdrive…”Would he rather be drinking with his friends?””Is it so uninteresting hanging out with me now that he can’t keep his eyes open?” “Does he feel like he is having to change or hide his drinking because of me? “”Will he soon grow so sick and tired of hanging out and doing mundane things with me and find someone that can handle alcohol and have a good time?” This incessant stream of self doubt all because he fell asleep while watching a show with me! Does this happen to anyone else? I mean the fear that now you are just a boring human that is destined to walk the earth in a level mood, always the DD and always the responsible one? Do people need a little dysfunction in their life to feel alive? Do I need a new problem to fit in with the “normal people”

The worst part is I really don’t want to drink, have no desire to drink and when I smell it I actually feel repulsed but the social constraints are what is really weighing on me but not so much social as in everyone but social as in people I love. Riddle me this am I boring and if so am I okay with it?

Hmmmmm….

Itty bity juice boxes

Cooking is one of my stress relievers, I could call it my meditation my happy place. I get lost in the tastes and smells and seasoning and searing and plating and garnishing! Something about serving the ones you love something that comes from the heart is so rewarding. I spend a hell of a lot of money on this experience probably close to $80 a week. The problem is cooking has always been synonymous with wine, lots of wine. Yesterday I was challenged. I wanted to make Seafood Paella, this in itself is not the problem, its the 1/2 cup of white wine that was the issue. During my anesthetized days I would be sure to look up recipes that called for wine. Oh shoot I need a 1/2 cup of wine for this sauce, better get three bottles so I have enough…you know…for the recipe.

I mulled it over at work for a few hours. What if I just use chicken stock and not wine? No, wine is part of what makes it delicious and am I always going to have to avoid recipes with alcohol involved? What if I buy like cooking wine? You know better than that, food network has told me on many occasions that you only cook with something you would want to drink….Well…Shit

Hey, but who knew that you could buy a single serving of wine in a tiny bottle? Not me,  I mean I guess I knew that, I have seen mini bars at hotels I just wouldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams why anyone would get A, 1, UNO bottle of wine. Whats the point?

As I waited in line I learned a new mental strategy while looking at this tiny little box of wine, kinda like a juice box, Whats the fucking point? Really what is the point to getting drunk and causing chaos. The juice in this tiny juice box is really something that is controlling me, causing me so much angst?

I bought some stuff to make Fauxhitos (Fake Mojitos, I just came up with this term don’t steal it!). It really hit the spot. I don’t like liquor at all (I know, weird, an alcoholic that would turn down liquor, its just never been my thing) so I really didn’t miss the rum but it felt good to have a fancy drink while whipping up this meal, made me feel classy and definitely took my mind off of wine.

Next time I have a yearning to check out of life I am going to try to remember to tell myself “whats the point?” what are you trying to achieve? “Need a break, eat a snickers or take a walk or make a fauxhito and color your extra cool adult coloring book.

P.S. Have you seen the weird color of whats in children’s juice boxes, I’m just saying…

Happy Thursday!

 

A Wrinkle in Time

Holy Balls batman where did all this time come from. I have probably written a post about how much time you seem to gain when not consumed by massive hangovers or swimming through the evenings in a dense fog of drunkeness but look at that I can’t remember, and it would be to nauseating to search through all the other posts to see if I have, so here goes.

I tell you what, I am not the early bird gets the worm kinda gal. I normally roll into work at 9:30 and I’m exhausted by noon. I would work out in the evening then proceed to get blasted from 6- 11 shove food of sorts in my mouth deciding if its too late to go get another bottle. Usually i was more prepared and had enough to accomplish my task at hand. Hey, at least I was a forward thinking drunk. Waking up the next day I would curse my idiocy and slink into the office hoping no one would notice the wine stench emanating through my copious amounts of perfume.

Those were the days, and by that I mean days of mania. I never knew what my day would entail. I would call in to meetings instead of going to them just so my lack of self care wouldn’t be noticed. When I had to go to meetings I would sit quietly as not to be noticed and defiantly not breath on someone unless I had 10 pieces of gum in my mouth, well I wouldn’t really breath on people anyways cause thats just gross, but you get the point.

Anywho now a days time seems to passssss sooooo slowlllllly, I can’t decide if its a good thing or not. It gives me too much time to reconsider this new lifestyle but it also feels so great. Lately (I am not sure I will maintain this or want to, I’m still a sleep in kinda gal and will be fo life) I have been waking at 4:45, working out, heading into work by 7:15 well dressed and showered. I have made meetings with people I never would have contacted before and I am speaking up for myself. I head home at 5 or so and either get dinner started or lounge with the pups or take them to the dog park if it isn’t too hot. I am in bed by 10. Hell the other night I played some kinnect video game that I’m sure was for children working up a sweat only to go jump into the pool with my boyfriend until 10 pm. All Sober and so much fun and let me tell you the sex is phenomenal its like I just got a prescription for glasses and never knew I was legally blind. I hope this momentum continues.

I know there will still be boring days and days that I am sad or things just arent right, but those days won’t even compare to how bad the bad days used to be.

(P.S. My mom read me this book when I was little and I remember it being super creepy but I don’t remember the actual book so disregard if the title makes absolutely no sense to the post)

Toodles.

 

Is he finally done 2

Alcohol has already controlled a huge portion of my life. Even when I’m not drinking I am thinking about drinking. i don’t know what it is but this time feels different. I decided to try something I haven’t tried before and signed up for acupuncture. I had to try something different. I really didnt expect much from it but it did give me an hour of meditation that I desperately needed.

I came in pretty reluctant but willing to try anything. It was a pretty cold office and the nice woman at the counter gave me the clip board with the usual info to fill in. I left the “reason for visit” line empty until i checked and rechecked that a legitimate treatment for alcoholism was acupuncture and that i wasn’t going to be shamed out of the office. Finally I wrote ALCOHOL ABUSE on the line. i returned the clipboard where the nice receptionist looked it over and asked me to have a seat. I will skip all the boring stuff and get to the part that really shook me. The doctor or acupuncturist (I am not sure if they are actual doctors or not) looked me up and down and said “so you abuse alcohol?” I said “uh..yeah shyly…” Without skipping a beat she said “your a pretty girl but pretty fades and no one likes a drunk girl.”

I spent the next day or so thinking about that. At first I thought who the hell is she to talk to me like that. Then it kind of started seeping in. She said it so matter a factly and just straight to the point. It hurt only because I knew it was true.

The boyfriend and I finally set down and talked. I of course am so tired of thinking about it and talking about my actions and making false promises that I automatically assume he is tired of hearing them but I’m wrong. I told him all the shitty feelings I have about him and alcohol and that there isn’t a place for him because alcohol is my first love. He wrongly thought I was upset when he was out with friends and I feel alone and try to drown myself in libations when its so opposite of the truth. I feel elated that it will just be me and a night with the bottle. I think he finally gets the point that there isn’t this happy medium. I quit or we quit our relationship.

So here I am. I am almost to a month and haven’t had too many cravings. I crave the glass of wine with dinner or when I’m cooking or when we are just lounging around and thinking about those thoughts make my mouth water but I have to remember that I am romanticizing a poison that would ultimately kill me and any form of happiness I can imagine. I just have to take the curtain down so I can enjoy the play. Im going to enjoy this play dammit!

Is he finally done?

Its been a while. I have been avoiding blogging only because it didnt seem to work last time but in reality I am not sure I was ready for it to work. Giving up drinking is scary as shit. There are so many “what about’s”. What about birthdays and weddings and trips???How will I EVER stay sober? There are so many more reasons to drink than not, or at least i felt like there were. I can’t remember where I left off but i remember a lot of titles that said day 1 again, or it happened again, or some other semblance of “shit”. I don’t even want to look back at how long I have been at this, it makes a lump well up in my throat when I think about how much time I have lost that I will never get back.

The last straw was about two or three Thursdays ago? (I decided not to count this time, I figure since this is forever there is no point in keeping track) It really wasn’t even a huge event. My boyfriend and I finally got the case of wine we couldn’t find anywhere of this white wine that we had fallen in love with. I got home from work, passing my gym in a fury to get home and unscrew that cap as quickly as possible. I didn’t  care that I would get charged $12 for missing my workout class. My focus was on one thing and one thing only. You see my boyfriend was out with friends and that afforded me at least 3 or 4 hours of undisturbed oblivion. I mentally took stock of how much of that case we had left. 2 bottles from the case and one in the fridge of a special wine we bought together. I got inside and poured a drink before I even took the dogs to go to the bathroom. It felt like heaven. I could feel my body soaking up every ounce. I felt like i could finally breath and then I decided to get shit done. I normally really enjoy doing chores when I’m drunk. It makes it all seem so fun like I’m wonder woman and I can handle everything, the truth is usually the food I cook I burn, the stuff I organize is even more of a mess and the next day I have to undo what I messed up the night before. I started ironing, and cleaning up the place. I make calls to anyone I can think of and of course my grandma is the first one to pick up. She is the one person that can’t tell how drunk I am because she is 90 and that gives me license to speak my mind knowing she won’t remember half the things I say and rely it to my family.

(*Sidenote* I forgot to mention my dad was in the hospital at this time with a weird bug bite that was causing him issues but due to his severe alcoholism was in and out of consciousness and going through incredible withdrawals.)

I finish the first bottle and quickly open the 2nd. I know that time is of the essence because the boyfriend will be home soon and he will want to, god forbid, share the wine and i will have to begrudgingly pour him a glass. I can’t really remember the rest. I know I blacked out and remember fragments of crying and telling my boyfriend to leave me alone and somethings about how I am my father and will end up just like him and that he should leave me. The next morning he gets up and heads to work. I pretend to be sleeping so I can gauge his mood. When he leaves without kissing my forehead I quickly try to run through last night and piece together what happened. Did I break up with him? Threaten him? Tell him some other bullshit that has no truth attached?…Is he finally done? Has he finally had too much? FUCK.

I decided to take stock in myself. A lot of what I was crying about was actually a real possibility. I very much was on the trajectory of drunk, alone and sad just like my dad and it almost looked like I was okay with it. As long as my bottles of wine were with me, that really was okay with me in that moment. Who the fuck is okay with pushing everyone out of their life for an inanimate object? Whats wrong with me?

Meditation

I am sorry I know that last post was…well far too truthful for the web but honestly I don’t think I am the only one in this situation who has these thoughts. It is so frustrating to feel out of control but in all reality we are always out of control. I have been doing more research as I always do after a binging night and even worse day and all roads lead to dealing with your subconscious. So either severe amnesia, meditation, or hypnosis. I would go with the first option but I’m not sure how well that one would work. I am committing to 15 minutes of meditation once a day. I would rather do it in the morning but we will see.

Broken Record

I can’t help but realize what a broken record I am and how sick and tired I am of it. Another night of drunkeness, another needless fight, and another lost day. I laid in bed this morning and seriously contemplated suicide. Wow. that one hit hard. I wrote this yesterday but had to stop. Its a really scary thing to say out loud, but my thoughts have gone there and in some ways I don’t really feel negatively about that. I feel like it would be the best thing I could do for the people that love me since I feel like I am ruining their lives but the oddest thing is I don’t want to leave the dogs. Hmm feelings are strange. I am not going to actually do that, but the idea just seems like the only reprieve from this constant internal dialogue. The silence that it would afford seems so i don’t know, necessary.

And the cycle continues…

Waking up with a pounding headache, dry mouth and the anxiety of putting together the fight last night is sadly not a place that is unfamiliar. Lots of changes have happened but still the same old habit. I have moved in with my boyfriend whom I met at work. He is great, perfect actually and I am unfortunately working my best at ruining it. I read something the other day, well actually listened to a radio lab and they were talking about the science of addiction and that there is actually a drug out there that has been approved to treat alcoholism and has shown some success. The more I read about it the more I want to give it a shot. Its called Vivitrol, it supposably has been used in other countries for a long time but is not really put on the table for people in the states. I am still researching and the side affects seem rather frightening but how amazing would it be not to have cravings.

I had a great day yesterday, well work was boring as hell because I don’t really have anything to do currently. I went to my sisters and celebrated Easter with my Niece and mom and we died eggs and had some wine and headed home to the man. Well of course I mentally talked myself into grabbing an extra bottle earlier in the store when I was getting wine and on my way home I was freaking out that one bottle wouldnt be enough so I stopped at the store at 8:30 just to grab another bottle. I kind of mentally captured the feeling and it was such a strong compulsion, a compulsion I can only compare to being so thirsty for water and coming up to a stream. After I purchased the bottle I felt like I had just taken a sip of that stream and could relax. Needless to say I came home opened one bottle, tried to drink as much as possible before my man noticed and made me share and then proceeded to open the second bottle. A fight ensued about a shitty comment he made (which honestly I think I had a valid point) and he left this morning for work angry. I on the other hand decided to “work from home” and am sitting here trying to make my mind work properly again and trying to forget the evening…How does such a wonderful night turn into something so ugly..oH YEAH ME + Wine is how 😦 Grrrr. This talk makes me really want to try this new drug. I know its not a quick fix and I need to get my mental game on point too but I really need something to push me in the right direction.

I will try to be better about updating.

Peace out