Slips and Falls

I started writing this blog at an extremely low point in my life where I felt like I had no one and I was just looking for a connection. I have always been an extremely private person so posting my thoughts ANYWHERE that someone could read was a real cry for help. I also intended for the blog to hold me accountable, I had this idea that any time in doubt of myself I could just read an entry and it would jolt me out of whatever I was feeling, however I only ever wrote anything when I was drunk or the next morning after getting drunk. Today I am neither. I have considered trying to take everything down from this site to erase all these terrible experiences but all in all its my truth and the road from addiction aint pretty.

Today, I am in such a different place, I would like to say things have changed more than they have but I am grateful for the changes that I have made and I think I can credit it with finally putting a tiny little toe into reaching outside of myself and looking for support. I always thought that sobriety would be some AH-HA moment or something I could achieve from taking a magic pill (like literally I tried those “magic” pills) but I think its been this journey. I never wanted to spend my life hanging off the side of a cliff like AA lead me to believe and I also didnt want to feel the constant monkey on my back every time I left the house. I always knew as a pure fact that I would one day be sober, that this charade couldn’t be maintained but I just was waiting for it to happen. There is such a huge amount of bullshit out there when it comes to addiction and the crazy thing is no one really honestly knows why it happens, how it happens, or who it will affect. I spent so much time and way too much money looking for answers, a book, a phrase, an AA meeting, a psychiatrist, a drug to cure me of my disease and spent no time and no money on introspection. I always threw in the adage of my father is an alcoholic so science says I have to be too and you know its incurable so no point in fighting nature. Well thats a load of bullshit, I mean honestly who gives a shit if Dr. Gofuckyourself says that its an incurable disease, all you can do is hold tight and pray that today you don’t go off the handle. Doctors are people and people and science can be wrong. People were also pretty damn sure the earth was flat for a long time too. Just saying. I am finally realizing that I am in charge of my beliefs and I don’t want any more defeating beliefs like that to enter my grey or white matter again.

I am sure that I am on a journey towards something amazing and journeys are long and come with slips and falls and that what makes the end so great.

Thanks for reading my slips and falls.

Renee M.

WHO AM I?

For the longest time, really from my teens, I let people dictate who i am and how I act. I let people tell me i wasn’t good enough or pretty enough according to their standards. i spent years bleaching my hair until it was so crunchy it would stay in a ponytail without a hair tie. I carried a straightener everywhere I went even though I lived on an island and no matter how much you straighten your hair humidity wins every time. I would quickly escape into bathrooms when I got to y destination to straighten the tiniest curl because curly hair isn’t pretty. I was asked at work to “look more presentable” when i would attempt to embrace my curly hair. i was called powder in middle school, even though I am 50% Italian and darker than most people in winter but that was enough to send me to the tanning bed two to three times a day leaving irreparable sun spots all over my skin at only 28. While in college I wanted to become a lawyer to create legislation to protect animals from poaching but I was told that I wasn’t smart enough for law school and my parents didn’t want to waste money. I was also told I wasn’t good at math and science either so veterinary med school was out.

All these things i have spent 20 something years believing. Every dream and every goal I have quickly drilled out of my head because i knew I just wasn’t good enough. I have spent so much time sabotaging any and all big stepping stones in life because of these beliefs and because I knew i would fail but what if all this time all those things were just bullshit. Someone else’s insecurities thrust upon me. What if this whole time i have been living with this created version of myself that isn’t me. What if curly hair is beautiful and being white isn’t all that bad and hell what if I’m actually good at math and science and smart enough for anything i set my mind to. What if all these preconceptions of myself that have followed me for so long arent real? Who am I if i take that all away? I am nothing and no one without it. Thats scary. If I remove everything i believe about myself then I am a new person that can create THE real me built on my own conceptions of myself and who I want to be and who i am at my core.

Once you remove all of the things that you THOUGHT were true you have the ability to rebuild yourself one brick at a time. One strong ass titanium brick at a time and i am just getting started.

I AM smart enough

i AM pretty enough

I AM capable of amazing things and that includes overcoming alcohol and staying sober

I am going to take all the things I didnt believe I could do and make them my strongest assets.

Time to get to building.

XO

RM