I started writing this blog at an extremely low point in my life where I felt like I had no one and I was just looking for a connection. I have always been an extremely private person so posting my thoughts ANYWHERE that someone could read was a real cry for help. I also intended for the blog to hold me accountable, I had this idea that any time in doubt of myself I could just read an entry and it would jolt me out of whatever I was feeling, however I only ever wrote anything when I was drunk or the next morning after getting drunk. Today I am neither. I have considered trying to take everything down from this site to erase all these terrible experiences but all in all its my truth and the road from addiction aint pretty.
Today, I am in such a different place, I would like to say things have changed more than they have but I am grateful for the changes that I have made and I think I can credit it with finally putting a tiny little toe into reaching outside of myself and looking for support. I always thought that sobriety would be some AH-HA moment or something I could achieve from taking a magic pill (like literally I tried those “magic” pills) but I think its been this journey. I never wanted to spend my life hanging off the side of a cliff like AA lead me to believe and I also didnt want to feel the constant monkey on my back every time I left the house. I always knew as a pure fact that I would one day be sober, that this charade couldn’t be maintained but I just was waiting for it to happen. There is such a huge amount of bullshit out there when it comes to addiction and the crazy thing is no one really honestly knows why it happens, how it happens, or who it will affect. I spent so much time and way too much money looking for answers, a book, a phrase, an AA meeting, a psychiatrist, a drug to cure me of my disease and spent no time and no money on introspection. I always threw in the adage of my father is an alcoholic so science says I have to be too and you know its incurable so no point in fighting nature. Well thats a load of bullshit, I mean honestly who gives a shit if Dr. Gofuckyourself says that its an incurable disease, all you can do is hold tight and pray that today you don’t go off the handle. Doctors are people and people and science can be wrong. People were also pretty damn sure the earth was flat for a long time too. Just saying. I am finally realizing that I am in charge of my beliefs and I don’t want any more defeating beliefs like that to enter my grey or white matter again.
I am sure that I am on a journey towards something amazing and journeys are long and come with slips and falls and that what makes the end so great.
Thanks for reading my slips and falls.
Renee M.
A Drunken Disaster 