I started writing this blog at an extremely low point in my life where I felt like I had no one and I was just looking for a connection. I have always been an extremely private person so posting my thoughts ANYWHERE that someone could read was a real cry for help. I also intended for the blog to hold me accountable, I had this idea that any time in doubt of myself I could just read an entry and it would jolt me out of whatever I was feeling, however I only ever wrote anything when I was drunk or the next morning after getting drunk. Today I am neither. I have considered trying to take everything down from this site to erase all these terrible experiences but all in all its my truth and the road from addiction aint pretty.
Today, I am in such a different place, I would like to say things have changed more than they have but I am grateful for the changes that I have made and I think I can credit it with finally putting a tiny little toe into reaching outside of myself and looking for support. I always thought that sobriety would be some AH-HA moment or something I could achieve from taking a magic pill (like literally I tried those “magic” pills) but I think its been this journey. I never wanted to spend my life hanging off the side of a cliff like AA lead me to believe and I also didnt want to feel the constant monkey on my back every time I left the house. I always knew as a pure fact that I would one day be sober, that this charade couldn’t be maintained but I just was waiting for it to happen. There is such a huge amount of bullshit out there when it comes to addiction and the crazy thing is no one really honestly knows why it happens, how it happens, or who it will affect. I spent so much time and way too much money looking for answers, a book, a phrase, an AA meeting, a psychiatrist, a drug to cure me of my disease and spent no time and no money on introspection. I always threw in the adage of my father is an alcoholic so science says I have to be too and you know its incurable so no point in fighting nature. Well thats a load of bullshit, I mean honestly who gives a shit if Dr. Gofuckyourself says that its an incurable disease, all you can do is hold tight and pray that today you don’t go off the handle. Doctors are people and people and science can be wrong. People were also pretty damn sure the earth was flat for a long time too. Just saying. I am finally realizing that I am in charge of my beliefs and I don’t want any more defeating beliefs like that to enter my grey or white matter again.
I am sure that I am on a journey towards something amazing and journeys are long and come with slips and falls and that what makes the end so great.
You know how some days just don’t go right? Like you spill your coffee on a purse you are trying to return and when you go to get a wipe you jam your finger in the car door kind of wrong? Its just one of those days.
I am on day 4 of my hangover week and i think I have reached the depressed/irritated/cursing the sky part. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and i had to divulge my drinking Sunday. i was so embarrassed and feel like i am just wasting his time and mine, i mean he gets paid and all, but I don’t want this sobriety thing to feel like a game where I can make it 2 weeks and then twice a month I get plastered. We have had the conversation many times over that i have been fairly successful in life, depending on your idea of success, but overall i went to college, have a job, and have for the most part stayed out of trouble but I am still going on with life in such a lackadaisical way. I haven’t really ever WANTED something, I have never really had goals or dreams for myself. I have always just done what you are “supposed” to do. He suggested that i don’t have something that outweighs the desire to drink and i will be in this cycle for ever until something actually pushes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to change. He says thats why people have rock bottoms but I have not had something so catastrophic that i have no other choice and i really don’t want to get there.
I have to think about this more. I feel that light again in the far off distance that is going off saying “here is a little nugget of wisdom, understand it”
I am feeling so irritable right now I could go off on anyone at anytime today so I am just going to stay home so i don’t shit on anyone else’s parade.
No one said sobriety would be sunshine and rainbows all the time but I hope the lightning and rain (and pigeon shit ) doesn’t stay around for too long. One more day, I am sober for another day.
Why do weekends give me such trouble??? I, for one, do not have a bustling social life. I have made sure that i will never be invited around certain social groups with my previous drunken antics. UGH…cue self loathing. I also have spent most of my adult life working weekends so I am not sure what in my brain says weekends equal drinking, oh well maybe the fact that I drank the most heavily for the past 14 years on weekends, maybe??? Well its really an obnoxious feeling, always dreading weekends or dreading being bored, or dreading being asked to hang out with people, or really just existing on weekends altogether.
I am not a highly social person, I think I drank socially to hide how uncomfortable I am around people. My drunken nights usually included dinner with a few drinks or a bottle of wine, you know, cause I’m classy and then head to a friends house or continue drinking at the same restaurant until we are kicked out of the restaurant or I am too drunk at my friends house to make it home so hey, might as well keep drinking. The bar tab is always more than the food and I decide which credit card I can put the $90-$200 dinner tab on while keeping my fingers crossed. I don’t ever remember what happens after dinner. I wake up, in either my bed or someones guest room with dry eyes, dry mouth (but no matter how dry your mouth is, water tastes like shit), nausea, pounding headache, chapped lips, makeup and clothes still on. I struggle to find my phone and scroll through my texts and find numerous texts that are either so ridiculous or just outright unreadable to god knows who. I see that I am super late for work, text my coworker some lame excuse and stumble for my keys, usually still wasted. I spend my day hating myself and telling myself its time to get my shit together. Then I feel a little better as the day goes on and well why not do it all again. Thats not insanity right????
I have made lots of enemies pulling this shit over and over, not to mention I switch from really witty and funny to obnoxious on a dime (I have seen videos) So why in the world does my brain still equate weekends with binge fests and make it seem like its a great idea??
I will stop freaking out about this. I have decided not to drink tonight so I WILL NOT DRINK. In other news I am still wrestling with those 2 damn margaritas. Do they count against my days??? Well I guess of course they do but honestly I can’t bear to think that I am at day 2 again without saying “hey fuck it, I am headed to the liquor store” so like it or not I am going to say I am 18 days sober with a 2 marg, not worth drinking, slip. GET OVER IT, SELF!