Itty bity juice boxes

Cooking is one of my stress relievers, I could call it my meditation my happy place. I get lost in the tastes and smells and seasoning and searing and plating and garnishing! Something about serving the ones you love something that comes from the heart is so rewarding. I spend a hell of a lot of money on this experience probably close to $80 a week. The problem is cooking has always been synonymous with wine, lots of wine. Yesterday I was challenged. I wanted to make Seafood Paella, this in itself is not the problem, its the 1/2 cup of white wine that was the issue. During my anesthetized days I would be sure to look up recipes that called for wine. Oh shoot I need a 1/2 cup of wine for this sauce, better get three bottles so I have enough…you know…for the recipe.

I mulled it over at work for a few hours. What if I just use chicken stock and not wine? No, wine is part of what makes it delicious and am I always going to have to avoid recipes with alcohol involved? What if I buy like cooking wine? You know better than that, food network has told me on many occasions that you only cook with something you would want to drink….Well…Shit

Hey, but who knew that you could buy a single serving of wine in a tiny bottle? Not me,  I mean I guess I knew that, I have seen mini bars at hotels I just wouldn’t imagine in my wildest dreams why anyone would get A, 1, UNO bottle of wine. Whats the point?

As I waited in line I learned a new mental strategy while looking at this tiny little box of wine, kinda like a juice box, Whats the fucking point? Really what is the point to getting drunk and causing chaos. The juice in this tiny juice box is really something that is controlling me, causing me so much angst?

I bought some stuff to make Fauxhitos (Fake Mojitos, I just came up with this term don’t steal it!). It really hit the spot. I don’t like liquor at all (I know, weird, an alcoholic that would turn down liquor, its just never been my thing) so I really didn’t miss the rum but it felt good to have a fancy drink while whipping up this meal, made me feel classy and definitely took my mind off of wine.

Next time I have a yearning to check out of life I am going to try to remember to tell myself “whats the point?” what are you trying to achieve? “Need a break, eat a snickers or take a walk or make a fauxhito and color your extra cool adult coloring book.

P.S. Have you seen the weird color of whats in children’s juice boxes, I’m just saying…

Happy Thursday!

 

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Just one of those days

You know how some days just don’t go right? Like you spill your coffee on a purse you are trying to return and when you go to get a wipe you jam your finger in the car door kind of wrong? Its just one of those days.

I am on day 4 of my hangover week and i think I have reached the depressed/irritated/cursing the sky part. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and i had to divulge my drinking Sunday. i was so embarrassed and feel like i am just wasting his time and mine, i mean he gets paid and all, but I don’t want this sobriety thing to feel like a game where I can make it 2 weeks and then twice a month I get plastered. We have had the conversation many times over that i have been fairly successful in life, depending on your idea of success, but overall i went to college, have a job, and have for the most part stayed out of trouble but I am still going on with life in such a lackadaisical way. I haven’t really ever WANTED something, I have never really had goals or dreams for myself. I have always just done what you are “supposed” to do. He suggested that i don’t have something that outweighs the desire to drink and i will be in this cycle for ever until something actually pushes me out of my comfort zone and forces me to change. He says thats why people have rock bottoms but I have not had something so catastrophic that i have no other choice and i really don’t want to get there.

I have to think about this more. I feel that light again in the far off distance that is going off saying “here is a little nugget of wisdom, understand it”

I am feeling so irritable right now I could go off on anyone at anytime today so I am just going to stay home so i don’t shit on anyone else’s parade.

No one said sobriety would be sunshine and rainbows all the time but I hope the lightning and rain (and pigeon shit ) doesn’t stay around for too long. One more day, I am sober for another day.

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XO

RM

Oh here comes the weekend

Why do weekends give me such trouble??? I, for one, do not have a bustling social life. I have made sure that i will never be invited around certain social groups with my previous drunken antics. UGH…cue self loathing. I also have spent most of my adult life working weekends so I am not sure what in my brain says weekends equal drinking, oh well maybe the fact that I drank the most heavily for the past 14 years on weekends, maybe??? Well its really an obnoxious feeling, always dreading weekends or dreading being bored, or dreading being asked to hang out with people, or really just existing on weekends altogether.

I am not a highly social person, I think I drank socially to hide how uncomfortable I am around people. My drunken nights usually included dinner with a few drinks or a bottle of wine, you know, cause I’m classy and then head to a friends house or continue drinking at the same restaurant until we are kicked out of the restaurant or I am too drunk at my friends house to make it home so hey, might as well keep drinking. The bar tab is always more than the food and I decide which credit card I can put the $90-$200 dinner tab on while keeping my fingers crossed. I don’t ever remember what happens after dinner. I wake up, in either my bed or someones guest room with dry eyes, dry mouth (but no matter how dry your mouth is, water tastes like shit), nausea, pounding headache, chapped lips, makeup and clothes still on. I struggle to find my phone and scroll through my texts and find numerous texts that are either so ridiculous or just outright unreadable to god knows who. I see that I am super late for work, text my coworker some lame excuse and stumble for my keys, usually still wasted. I spend my day hating myself and telling myself its time to get my shit together. Then I feel a little better as the day goes on and well why not do it all again. Thats not insanity right????

I have made lots of enemies pulling this shit over and over, not to mention I switch from really witty and funny to obnoxious on a dime (I have seen videos) So why in the world does my brain still equate weekends with binge fests and make it seem like its a great idea??

I will stop freaking out about this. I have decided not to drink tonight so I WILL NOT DRINK. In other news I am still wrestling with those 2 damn margaritas. Do they count against my days??? Well I guess of course they do but honestly I can’t bear to think that I am at day 2 again without saying “hey fuck it, I am headed to the liquor store” so like it or not I am going to say I am 18 days sober with a 2 marg, not worth drinking, slip. GET OVER IT, SELF!

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XO

RM